Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber
whispers to his Customer,

"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while
I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and
two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid
never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same
young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,
*"Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE
GAME IS OVER *
.............
.............
.............


Moral: When you think the other person is dumb, you
are making a fool of yourself.

2007-09-04 17:30:57 · 23 answers · asked by Electric 7

Don't read the answer until you guess, OK?





















A mortuary.

2007-09-04 17:25:05 · 14 answers · asked by Jim N 3

CHAT ROOM LIES



* "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend."

* "You're different. I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."

* "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile but tell me more about yourself."

* "I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited."

* "Yes, of course I'm female."

* "No, this is my only screen name. You mean you can have more then one?"

* "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!"

* Male version is... "I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out."

* "I'm not like most of the guys/gals here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other." (at the hotel coffee shop)

* "I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts." (Which is true, it means: 'I'm horny and could care less, just type.')

* "Tonight my love... our souls have touched."

2007-09-04 15:58:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I mean it's hard to convinve people when he's on tv. And does he really look 40 ????

2007-09-04 15:57:29 · 29 answers · asked by J.E Lane 2

Do you have neighbors from hell? If so, please share your "Neighbors from Hell!" story here. 10 points to the funniest!

2007-09-04 15:39:28 · 4 answers · asked by Dominic 4

I pray, God has never seen me.
A king rarely sees me.
And a commoner sees me everyday.

What am I?

2007-09-04 15:24:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I Hung Up.

2007-09-04 14:27:59 · 18 answers · asked by SomeGuy 2

A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN!

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?

2007-09-04 14:22:59 · 17 answers · asked by klcmommy 1

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very
concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.
As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening
all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this
had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door
holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the
young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door
and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flow. We're going to the
show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their
way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty,
we're going to get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay
too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started
off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

2007-09-04 13:32:14 · 20 answers · asked by ? 3

I tried so hard to get the guiness world record for the most food eaten by a hippoi after dancing on a stool of gorrila poop. I failed! Can you believe it? They told me, they told me, they told ME!... that it isn't a good record to hold so they wont make it!!! IM crying a river of emotions. Wanna know what I told them? POOOO!!! and then they left. In the end, I have a question, what was I saying?

2007-09-04 12:49:33 · 10 answers · asked by Lenny M 1

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

2007-09-04 12:43:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!”

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind your having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?”

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all the money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

CLOUMBUS’S MOTHER: “I don’t care what you have discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!”

BABE RUTH’S MOTHER: “Babe, how many times have I told you, quit playing ball in the house! That’s the third broken window this week!”

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEAN’S MOTHER: “All right, Napoleon. If you’re not hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!”

2007-09-04 12:34:16 · 14 answers · asked by That Blonde Rebel 5

When I had like 7 I burned my finger and my mom said: "Don't worry its a first grade burn" and I said: "But if i'm in second grade"

2007-09-04 12:25:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The MD told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body cuz he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the MD felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The hubby and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the MD honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied
"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

2007-09-04 12:09:16 · 20 answers · asked by ◄Rainy~♥~Rain► 3

This guy has a 25 inc d***. He goes to the doctor and asks him how to get it smaller.

The doctor says \"go down to the islands and look for a witch doctor, he should know what to do.\"

So he flies to the islands and finds the witch doctor and asks him how to get his d*** smaller. The witch doctor tells him to go down the road to find this magical frog ask it to marry you and if she says no 5 inches will come off.

He walks down the road and sees the frog. He asks her to marry him and the frog says no. 5 inches come off. 20 inch d***

He says \" oh this is great!\" He goes again, \"frog will you marry me?\" frog says no. 5 more inches off. 15 inch d***.

He says \"Cool, I just have to ask the frog to marry me one more time and if it says no I will have a 10 inch d*** better then most men and better than what I had.

So he goes one more time \"Frog will you marry me?\"

The frog says \" How many times do I have to tell you, NO!, NO!, NO!!!!\"

2007-09-04 11:29:50 · 10 answers · asked by *mommy to 3 boys* 4

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy.

The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."

"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

2007-09-04 11:15:26 · 3 answers · asked by *mommy to 3 boys* 4

I phoned tonight for a home delivery,all i wanted was a thin crusty supreme.











The b'stards sent me dianna ross

LOL WITH ME

2007-09-04 10:57:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

2007-09-04 10:57:34 · 15 answers · asked by Rickard 3

as i was walking home from taking the bus it seems like the light turned red, and then i was about to cross the street until next to me you know that sign that workers put on the street when they do construction , idk if it had to deal with it, but it was loud! like a gun, but it sounded more like a explosion in a plastic bag, i hid behind a tree, and get getting vision if what happened if i was getting shot, but there was no one in site

2007-09-04 10:52:17 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in esperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.

The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking?

Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

2007-09-04 10:48:01 · 7 answers · asked by *mommy to 3 boys* 4

We have a 5 month old daughter... I want to preternd to change her diaper, but instead get a clean diaper. With the clean diaper I want to put Refried Beans into it, and then show it to my wife, by way of rubbing it in her face. Haha?? or Nono?

Oh, afterwards, I will buy her a Coach or Dooney and Burke purse...

2007-09-04 10:24:38 · 17 answers · asked by Darius W 3

An FBI agent is due to escort an Arab prince and his two toddlers from the airport, who were due to arrive from Germany. The agent said "What do they look like" The supervisor said "Easy just look for a Hamburg Sheik and small fries.

2007-09-04 09:39:52 · 2 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

I have a friend who told me a joke and not the answer and he said if i can figure it out i could get 20 bucks lol...
"Where was the man before he jumped off the bridge?" idk the answer so ill ask u people.

2007-09-04 09:36:32 · 12 answers · asked by Luke 3

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman-then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend.
"My wife found out...
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

2007-09-04 09:30:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

2007-09-04 09:29:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

2007-09-04 09:28:27 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I got this from http://www.mindchallenger.com where there are other kinds of puzzles, brainteasers and riddles as well as some of the answers.

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the correct answer? Good luck. Your 6 minutes starts now.

2007-09-04 09:27:01 · 12 answers · asked by J S 2

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"! IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even SWEPT together!"

2007-09-04 09:18:15 · 12 answers · asked by parrothair3 2

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,

"We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive."

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, "God Save The Queen," and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, "Viva La France," and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, "Remember the Alamo," and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

2007-09-04 09:05:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hung Like a Horse

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

2007-09-04 09:02:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous