Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

If people target you in their jokes, do you find it offensive?
TRUE friends appriciate that you will take it as meant in fun, and would be the first to defend you if it wasn't.
From friends I certainly DON'T find it offensive.

2007-09-07 06:16:09 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Darned If I Know

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

2007-09-07 05:20:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every

year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is

fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".


One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther,

I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get

another chance. "Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty

dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".


The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.

I'll take the both of you for a ride, If you can stay quiet for the

entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you!

But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."


Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds

of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil

tricks over and over again, but still not a word


When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly,

I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm Impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something

when Esther fell out, but you know --
fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

2007-09-07 05:18:39 · 14 answers · asked by Heather 4

An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
- a Bible, - a silver dollar, - a bottle of whiskey and - a Playboy magazine

I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good, low down drunkard, and, Lord, help me.... What a shame that would be.

And worst of all..... if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin', no good bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps a s he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman."

2007-09-07 05:17:18 · 11 answers · asked by Heather 4

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.


When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.


Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.

2007-09-07 04:46:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've got a new riddle...

A man arrives in town on Monday. He leaves on Friday. He stayed a total of 6 days in town.

How is this possible?

2007-09-07 04:36:06 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

This could be a fun thing...Have a sense of humor and make up any 4 words you can say after sex try not to use what someone else says..Let's see what we end up with....

For example:
What's your name again?

2007-09-07 04:15:22 · 50 answers · asked by Anonymous

Eddie really wanted to have sex with this really hot girl in his office but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him, then said "NO." Eddie said "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said she would consult her boyfriend so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "what happened?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!" Management lesson: always consider a business proposition completely before agreeing and getting screwed.

2007-09-07 04:08:58 · 5 answers · asked by HipHopGrandma 7

IN THE SERVICE

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."


TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"Amen"

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."


DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're ****-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

2007-09-07 04:04:25 · 8 answers · asked by universal_me93 2

1- Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's such a *****.

2-A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there
was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True
to his word he made contact,

"Connie....Connie. .. "

"Is that you,Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd
be proud- lots of greens) another romp around the golfcourse, then pretty
much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to
golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch
some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over
again."

"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"

"NO, I'M A RABBIT SOME WHERE IN ARIZONA!"

2007-09-07 03:48:40 · 15 answers · asked by MoRmEx 5

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.



The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."



The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."



The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and make love to the cat."

2007-09-07 03:44:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

At a jewelry store, Big John bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. Big John thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

2007-09-07 03:33:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this....

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock you doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in you favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.

Then, carefully place it on a table or a flat surface, so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins- Take ou the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement.
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Finally, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times.

"I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

2007-09-07 03:12:57 · 13 answers · asked by universal_me93 2

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

2007-09-07 02:36:57 · 11 answers · asked by universal_me93 2

A man walked into the ladies department of a Harrod's, one of Londons largest department stores.

He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the assistant.

"Type?" enquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the assistant, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the assistant.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The assistant replied "The Catholic type, The Salvation Army type, and The Baptist type. " "Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

2007-09-07 02:12:09 · 20 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

A country boy finally got the chance to call on a beautiful country gal he'd had his eye on for some time and really wanted to impress her. So he got all gussied up and called on her at the home of her parents. She let him in and he handed her flowers and chocolates for which she thanked him and seated him on the soft. Her dog came into the room and the boy petted him while the gal took a seat at the nearby piano to plan him a tune.

While she was playing the boy had to fart sooo bad he could hold it on longer, so he quietly let one seep out while she was playing hoping she wouldn't notice. After that the gal yelled "Rover"!

The boy thought to himself, "I got away with that one, so I'll let another seep out cause I'm about to burst!". Again, the gal yelled, "Rover"!

After that the boy let one more seep out cause this had become easy and the dog was taking all the grief for it. After that the gal yelled, "Rover, if you don't get away from that boy, he's gonna sh!t on you!"

2007-09-07 01:50:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A son asks his dad the difference between "theoretically" & "realistically"....
Dad says thats a hard one, but i have an idea. Ask mum if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid.....
Mum says yes.
Dad says now ask your sister if she'll sleep with the newspaper man for 2 million quid...
sister says yes.
Dad says well there you go son thats your answer, theoretically we're sitting on 3 million quid,but realistically we're living with 2 slags!!

2007-09-07 00:40:59 · 11 answers · asked by richy 3

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a hoilday in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar they're dazzled by two women and wind up taking them to their seperate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that from next door, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE....HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispers back, " It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erect*on."

The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

2007-09-07 00:32:48 · 11 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

A very attractive blonde woman arrives at a casino and bets £20.000 on a single roll of the dice.

"I hope you don't mind," she says, "But I feel much luckier when I am completely naked."

With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells out, "Yes! I've won! I' ve won!" She jumps up and down, hugs each of the dealers, scoops up all the chips on the table as well as her clothes and then quickly departs.

The dealers stare at each other utterly dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asks, "So, what did she roll?"

"No idea," replies the other. "I thought you were watching the dice"

2007-09-07 00:30:02 · 8 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

A young man asked his girl friend to marry him, she agreed on the condition that he never looked into the box that she kept by her bed. He agreed and they were married.
The years rolled by until eventually they reached their 50th wedding anniversary, the man turned to his wife and said :- "For all these years I have kept my promise and I have never looked in your box, don't you think I could look now?

"Well she said I don't suppose it will do any harm"

He opened the box and inside he found 2 eggs and £1000.

"Whats with the 2 eggs he asked?"

His wife replied "Well every time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box"

He wasn't very happy about it but thought well twice in 50 years wasn't so bad.

"And what about the £1000 ?" he asked.

Well she said . "Every time I got to a dozen eggs I sold them".

2007-09-07 00:15:09 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-07 00:02:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have one
Your husband will have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie uses your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced lady would lose her one

A Pope doesn't use his one
Madonna doesn't have one

The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Pakistanis usually have long ones

After your marriage your husband will give you his one?
Longer or shorter you have to take his one.

Are you afraid of taking a LONG one.
Do you want one?
How long do you want?

Which one is your preferred one?
Long one or short one

What you are thinking of?

Are you sure?

Its your Surname, what where you thinking of?

You Dirty mind!!!

2007-09-06 23:52:07 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big d*ck."

2007-09-06 23:05:57 · 10 answers · asked by **Missy** 3

3 nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week." The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."

The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train."

2007-09-06 22:42:53 · 15 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they don't smell and are silent.

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what medicine you gave me, but now my gas.....although still silent... smells terrible."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

2007-09-06 22:02:06 · 7 answers · asked by Discovery 5

The widow of the late Mr.Pavarotti has found a real bargain. She wandered into the local undertakers and managed to get a coffin for him to be buried in for the handsome price of a tenor!

Anon.

2007-09-06 22:01:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:
- !?Sh*t!, that must be my husband!?

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed to the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman:
- I am your husband, you sl*t!!!

So the woman answers:
- Oh, yeah?!! So why were you running so fast?!! You son of a b*tch!

2007-09-06 21:53:59 · 7 answers · asked by Discovery 5

2007-09-06 21:07:06 · 27 answers · asked by tjclarkey 2

Mike Rotch, say it outloud a few times.

2007-09-06 19:19:56 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

a fire broke out, the wife yell to the husband, " hurry, we have to run now, what r u doing?' husband answer" i am putting on my socks" , wife yell again " nobody put on socks at this moment", a second later, wife yell again"what the hell r u doing now?" husband answer, " i am talking off the socks"

2007-09-06 17:33:40 · 15 answers · asked by oli 2