Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Impress me. :D

2007-09-06 16:19:09 · 16 answers · asked by Sam, Vice President of the YAA 2

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

2007-09-06 16:13:17 · 26 answers · asked by Heather01Anderson 3

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

2007-09-06 13:07:30 · 4 answers · asked by NaDaKa 2

A lady approaches a priest and says to him, 'Father I have a
problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one
thing'.

'What do they say? 'the priest inquired'

'They only know how to say ..... Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya
wanna have some fun?'

'That's terrible!' exclaimed the priest, 'but I have a solution
to your problem, bring your two female parrots over to my house and I
will put them with my two male parrots who I have taught to pray and
read the bible.
My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase
and will learn to praise and worship instead.'

'Thank you' the woman responded.
The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the
priest's house.

His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in
their cage.

The woman put her two female parrots in with the two male
parrots and the females immediately said 'Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya
wanna have some fun?'

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims

'Put the f***ing beads down Frank, our prayers have been
answered !! --

2007-09-06 12:44:45 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the druggist, "I'm looking for something to rub on my penis that causes an erection, but I can't think of the name."

The pharmacist says "Elaine, you introduced her to me yesterday"

2007-09-06 12:24:15 · 2 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor

to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little

concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed, “she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her

nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional

and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is

underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

2007-09-06 11:48:25 · 6 answers · asked by L!LO 4

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

"So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceeded to talk up a storm.Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the
door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of
him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2007-09-06 11:44:08 · 13 answers · asked by sweetpea 4

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I 'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent,
"What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied,
"He just found a bomb!"

2007-09-06 11:35:31 · 9 answers · asked by Heather 4

Blonde woman take her broken car to the garage to be repaired.... fearing an expensive bill, the mechanic fixes it in just 2 minutes. "nothing serious love , just s**t in the air filter"he says.......blonde replies " really! how often do i have to do that?"

2007-09-06 11:31:16 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

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A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****....

2007-09-06 10:53:02 · 8 answers · asked by Heather 4

When someone says,

"I promise never to keep a promise,"

do you or do you not keep the promise?


^_^

2007-09-06 10:28:13 · 17 answers · asked by A 6

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

2007-09-06 10:11:29 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-06 08:15:32 · 4 answers · asked by tanlaask 3

2007-09-06 08:08:39 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The old folks no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points," his wife rolls over and says, "what in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

2007-09-06 07:59:33 · 31 answers · asked by ian h 3

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at "Lovers Cove" where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

"NO!" yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

"NO!" the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

"Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?" asked the guy.

"For the last time, NO!" said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde looked at him and said, "Because I wanna stay up here with you."

2007-09-06 07:56:21 · 28 answers · asked by ian h 3

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

2007-09-06 07:38:50 · 30 answers · asked by ian h 3

Poor people must be gutted-i know just how they feel-
i lost a tenor last week!!xx

2007-09-06 07:12:44 · 8 answers · asked by SUZANNE R 7

Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said,"I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has evrything,and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said,"I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So thats what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said,"Well?did you take my suggestion?

"yes, I did," said Rich.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up,thanked me,kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling
" I'll be back in an hour!! "

2007-09-06 07:00:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-06 06:57:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree, staring back at him. He tried unsuccessfully to get the gorilla to leave, so he called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with: a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun.
“Now listen carefully,” the serviceman told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for the privates of the animal, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs!”
“Got it.” the homeowner replied. “But what’s the shotgun for?”
“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” said the serviceman, “shoot the Chihuahua.”

2007-09-06 06:41:43 · 6 answers · asked by angeleyes 2

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly," Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf

2007-09-06 06:20:51 · 10 answers · asked by Bio Hazard 4

We're a tenner short

2007-09-06 05:58:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in
bed.

He shoots his friend to death..

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL
your friends".

============ ========= ========= ========= =========
==

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"

Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

============ ========= ========= ========= =========
==

Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and
panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

============ ========= ========= ========= =========
==

Teacher: Do you know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my
mom fainted,
dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

=========== ========= ========= ========= =========
==

Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in
the U.S?

B'coz people started licking the wrong side.

============ ========= ========= ========= =========
==

Women asked man who is traveling with six children,
all these kids are yours??
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer
complaints.

============ ========= ========= ========= =========
==

Two men met while both were looking for their lost
wives.

1st: What does yours look like?

2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, beautiful Fair, Black
eyes. What about yours?

1st: Forget mine. Let's find yours!!

============ ========= ========= ========= =========
==

Son asks father the difference between confidence and
confidential

Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend
is also my son, that's confidential!

============ ========= ========= ========= =========
==
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the
right time we should talk about sex.

Daughter (Excitedly) : Sure mom, tell me what you
want to know

2007-09-06 05:51:52 · 28 answers · asked by ? 5

RING ...
RING ...
*click*

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully to the little voice until it tells you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

2007-09-06 05:46:59 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Star if you like this joke...I am still laughing my butt off!

Sandy :O)

DO YOU KNOW HIM
>
> A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job
> opening.
>
> After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
> equally
> qualified.
>
> He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their
> answer would determine which of them would get the job.
>
> The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the
> interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
>
> Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
> It just
> pops into your head. There's no warning.
>
> "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?", he
> asked the
> second man. "Hmmm...let me see.
>
> "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A
> BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
>
> "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
> popular
> cliché for speed."
>
> He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
>
> "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
> there's
> a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture
> the light
> on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT
> is the
> fastest thing I can think of"
>
> The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
> had
> found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
>
> Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
> same
> question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers,
> it's
> obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
>
> "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure", said
> Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran
> for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,
> I ad already MESSED MY BRITCHES."
>
> Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! You probably
> will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!....
>

2007-09-06 04:53:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he
inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy
slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then
stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to
the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" He told the
guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling
his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him,
kissed him gently behind the ear and said:

"This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

2007-09-06 04:46:09 · 6 answers · asked by blackfirescorpio05 3

3 women on a plane and it crashes into the sea.. They all swim to an island with there little cases. They sit down and dry off and the next thing the Indian woman starts to put on her gold ear rings necklaces rings and the 2 other women say what are you doing and she reply's its a well known fact the most richest women gets rescued first and with that the English lady starts to put on her make up and do her hair and put on perfume and the other women say what are you doing that for and she reply's it is a well known fact the most beautiful woman gets rescued first and with that the black woman stands up and shouts bollocks walks to the edge of the sea and drops her pants, the other women asks why are you doing this and she reply's its a well known fact they always find the black box first....

2007-09-06 04:45:11 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 55," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29.? "I am actually 55. This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

2007-09-06 04:39:38 · 22 answers · asked by **Missy** 3

3 sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together they discussed gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "Ha, I got you both beat. Remember how mother loved to read the Bible? And you know that she can't see very well? Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Church elders 14 years to teach him. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Adam," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Jon," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was absolutely delicious..."

2007-09-06 04:39:32 · 14 answers · asked by tastybits 7