What is the funniest joke you've ever heard?

Question

Impress me. :D

Answer 1

here are 2:

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

or

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
Started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blond says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her Boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him into her apartment and shows him the puzzle spread all
over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box.
He then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....he sighed
Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.....

Answer 2

Subject: LABOR PAIN

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine
that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that
even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt
fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The
doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's
blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At
this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to
feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband
were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their
porch.

Answer 3

First melt six ounces of Baker's bittersweet chocolate in double boiler and when melting begins add two packages of chocolate flavored laxative and three ounces of good brandy
(German, if possible). Stir steadily until all blends. Use electric mixer to beat eight ounces of heavy dairy cream until it is stiff. Allow chocolate to cool to where it will not melt the whipping cream but not be too thick to blend well. But once
the chocolate is ready fold in the whipping cream. NO NOT STIR. Then gently add six ounces of shaved Baker's semi-sweet chocolate. The idea is to make one absolutely swell
gift that seems to be a grand mousse but with an even more interesting encore. This might resolve mystery of who is snitching food of other people from 'fridge several share
at place of employment or an anonymous party donation
for those who play loud music too often near your cage.

Answer 4

LOL now a joke for you...
three men got arrested in the park...
the first man stands before the judge...
and the judge says, okay what did you do?
the man replies, blowing bubbles in the park..
the judge looks down and says are you serious?
the judge says a 1$ fine get out!
okay so the judge is really starting to get pissed off bc people are wasting his time...
the 2nd man comes to the stand and the judge
asks, what did you do?
the man replies blowing bubbles in the park...
and the judges is like omfg 1$ fine leave now...
the 3rd man comes forward and the judge i like and what did u do? and the 3rd man replies ... well sir, im bubbles...

Answer 5

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Answer 6

lol ok look there was this black dude and he went to the market one day and they were giving free cheese samples

ok he took some and ate and said " Hmmmm thats some good cheese ill buy the whole cheese wheels "

ok he bought it but 1 problem the cheese wheel was to big to fit in his car

so he decided to lock his car and roll the cheese home

he came across this hill rolled the cheese up hill but when he got to down hill the cheese got loose and rolled down hill with the guy running after it

when the cheese get to the bottom of the hill this mexican guy stops his car and get out and taste the cheese and saw it was so good he decided to take it home and sticks it in his truck

later when the mexican guy gets home he shares it wit his wife there eating the cheese the wife asks him what kinda cheese is this he replies i think it nacho cheese cause when i went to put it in my truck this black guy was yellin to me. HEY MAN THAT NOT CHO CHEESE!!! lol thats so corny its funny

Answer 7

I realize I need to lose some weight. I had a threesome last weekend but I was by myself...

Answer 8

a state trooper stops a woman driving 60 in a 45 mph. he pulls her over. he says ma"m did you know you were speeding. she says no, it did'nt seem like i was really going that fast. so, he tells her he clocked her at sixty and starts to write her ticket. she says, do you have to give me a ticket? don't yall give out warnings? he says yes ma'm we do. you passed one it said 45.

Answer 9

A blonde keeps strolling down herchronic to her mail field. She keeps doing this till her neighbor asks her why she is doing that. The blonde replies "My computing gadget keeps telling me that i've got have been given mail". ----------------------------------------... An 80 year old couple have been having issues remembering issues, so they desperate to pass to their healthcare expert to get looked at to make optimistic no longer something replaced into incorrect with them. while they arrived on the docs, they defined to the healthcare expert with regard to the themes they have been having with their reminiscence. After checking the couple out, the healthcare expert informed them that they have got been bodily ok yet ought to be certain directly to start up writing issues down and make notes to help them keep in mind issues. The couple thanked the healthcare expert and left. Later that evening on a similar time as gazing television, the guy have been given up from his chair and his spouse asked, "the place are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "optimistic." She then asked him, "do no longer you think of you're able to write it down so which you will keep in mind it?" He reported, "No, i will keep in mind that." She then reported, "nicely i might additionally like some strawberries on authentic. You had greater advantageous write that down because of the fact i be attentive to you will forget approximately that." He reported, "i will keep in mind that, you pick for a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "nicely I additionally might like whipped cream on authentic. i be attentive to you will forget approximately that so which you greater advantageous write it down." With inflammation in his voice, he reported, "i do no longer ought to place in writing that down! i will keep in mind that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After approximately 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and exceeded her a plate of Francis Bacon and eggs. She stared on the plate for a 2d and reported angrily: "I informed you to place in writing it down! You forgot my toast!" ----------------------------------------... The affected person says, "supply me the undesirable information first!" healthcare expert replies, "you have have been given AIDS." "Oh, no! What must be worse than that?" asks the affected person. "you have even have been given Alzheimer's illness." finding relieved the affected person says, "Oh...nicely, that's no longer so undesirable. a minimum of i don't have AIDS."

Answer 10

a little boy asked his dad one day "daddy, is god a boy or girl?"

the dad says "he is both, son."

the boy asked "is god black or white?"

again, the dad says "he is both, son."




after the little boy thought about it for a couple of minutes he asked his dad "daddy, is micheal jackson god??"



----------------and one more for ya :)




whats the difference between a womans G-spot and a golfball?



a man will actually look for a golfball, even if it takes him hours to find it..







ps- YOUR PICTURE IS HOT