To cat owners every where incl Nemesis and Elflaeda?

Question

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Answer 1

It's TRUE.

You should try applying flea remedies. The last time I tried ..... Well, this is what I wrote in my diary about my very sweet-natured and constantly purring Jet .......


"Tried to deflea a very unimpressed cat. Listen to the back of the bottle instructions ..... ' Groom animal's fur in wrong direction, spray product from a distance of 12 inches, brush fur back taking care not to get the product in the animal's sensitive areas. Do not allow the animal to groom until the fur is dry ....' THIS CAT IS DEAD, THAT'S THE ONLY WAY IT ALLOWED YOU TO TAKE THE TOP OFF THE STUPID BOTTLE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Jet obviously didn't read the back of the bottle, he knew he was not going to enjoy the experience from the moment he saw the towel come out. Five minutes later, it was tightly over his head. I didn't need to see the daggers in his eyes; the low threatening howl said it all!

Good job I've got a full first aid box although I did consider going to the walk-in centre for a blood transfusion and a stomach pump (He kicked so much that I think I injested most of the spray)

Anyway, I dried his fur and let him out into the hazy sunshine making sure he had a sachet of his favourite Whiskas ..... came in .... closed the door and ..... the heavens opened. Went back out but couldn't convince a foaming mass of black fur to return to the scene of the crime."

Answer 2

I really hope your little girl gets better soon. My mother breeds and shows Rag Dolls in the UK - they really are beautiful. When I got my cats here in Germany I removed all house plants as I wasn't sure which would be poisonous. I went to a really big garden centre and asked for advice on which plants I could safely display. They were absolutely no help whatsoever. Really strange as many plants would also be poisonous for children. So now I only have artificial plants in the rooms where the cats go. I bought really lifelike ones and the plus point is I don't have to remember to water them!! Once again I hope your little girl gets well soon.

Answer 3

I don't have a cat, but I was once charged with looking after two, when house sitting once. One of the cats was a real handful. In the morning I made a coffee and went upstairs. She followed me and kept running between my feet, till eventually, I lost my balance and poured hot coffee over her back.

She was fine, but I got daggers for the rest of the day. How's that work? She tries to break my neck and I'm the bad one.

Answer 4

I am never getting a cat, hehehe

Have a star

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Answer 5

LMSUIAO Feck I knew I was doing something wrong when I kept lifting the tail

Answer 6

Hahahahhaaaaa that was fookin great mate, once again you set a high standard

Answer 7

That was great glad i don't have that trouble when im'e giving my cat the worming pill.

Answer 8

The scary part is that is not far from the truth! Lol

Answer 9

From that I'd fecking swear you knew one of my previous she cats.
Absolutely brilliant.

Answer 10

my cat penny is really hard to give med to, that is so true, well most is...take a army to sort her out.