Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Ground beef!

2007-08-25 03:53:22 · 6 answers · asked by carpe-diem 3

At a school one day during history, the tutor asked "who knocked down the walls of jerhico" and Billy at the back said "It wasn't me sir""Good greif boy" said the tutor, and at breaktime rang his father to tell him what Billy had said, and his father replied "Look, we know he can be a bugger, but if he said he didn't do it then I believe him" the tutor, who cant believe the stupidity of what hes hearing approaches the headmaster, and tells him all about it, then the head says "Does it really matter who did it, cant we just get the janitor to contact the builder for an estimate, and say no more about the matter?"

2007-08-25 03:47:34 · 3 answers · asked by Shaun of Egg 2

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with you're drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.


"I'm as jober as a sudge."

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

2007-08-25 01:51:55 · 13 answers · asked by Deedee 6

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.
She said, "The sky is definately blue!"
"I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?"
Timmy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definately green."
"I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher do farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "no why?"
Johnny says, "Then I definately $hit my pants!"

2007-08-25 01:12:53 · 19 answers · asked by kelly 3

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

***************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727 in a midair crash?"

***************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Very Happy

The following is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a U.S Navy ship and the British authorities, near the coast of England:

The following transcript was released by the MOD on 10/10/95:

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision.

U.S. NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision.

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

U.S. NAVY: This is the captain of a U.S Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert YOUR course.

U.S. NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: This is a lighthouse. Fuk off!!

2007-08-25 01:07:05 · 7 answers · asked by Conan 2

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

2007-08-24 22:37:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

going out for the evening when the woman of the
house decided to
give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home
very late and he
should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't
having a good time at the
party, and came home early.As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves
sitting by himself
in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him
into the master bedroom,
where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles.
"Jeeves. Take off
my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and
garter." He
silently obeys her. "Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties." As he does
this, the tension
continues to mount.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

She looks at him. "Jeeves. If I ever catch you
wearing my clothes
again, you're fired!"

2007-08-24 22:13:35 · 4 answers · asked by Conan 2

Very hostile farmer
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

2007-08-24 22:00:16 · 6 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Two workmen were approached by a passer by who asked what they were doing...

"Well, we work for Dublin City Council" one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Decco, and Mick. I dig the hole, Decco sticks in the tree and Mick, here, puts the dirt back."

"Now, just because Decco's sick, that don't mean that Mick and me can't work."

2007-08-24 21:51:59 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

This bloke is in our pub in Temple Bar, really drunk. Some lads decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and the bloke's wife looks livid. One of them says: "Here's your husband, Missus! Safe and sound." And the wife says: "Yeah right. Now where the hell is his wheelchair?"

It's New Year's Day in Dublin, and this Baskerville font walks into a pub, goes up to the barman and says: "A pint of stout please." Nervously, the barman serves up the pint. After half a dozen pints, the barman goes to where the Baskerville font is standing by the counter and says: "We don't see many of your type around here." The font replies: "I'm not surprised at five euros a bleedin' pint."

2007-08-24 21:42:39 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 reasons computers must be Males
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

2 kindergarten kids were fighting and saying to each other :-

"Yo mamma so old she knew burger king when he was still a prince"

"Yo mamma so poor she waves around a popsickle stick and calls it air-conditioning."

"Yo mama so ugly she took one look at the sun and it hide behind a cloud"

and there mama's came and ground them for a year..hope you like em.

2007-08-24 21:28:43 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly,
I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when
you are sober."

2007-08-24 20:33:05 · 17 answers · asked by Conan 2

1.A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year old scotch. As the bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under his hand.

The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one."

When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year old scotch. The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this one a six-year old.

The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a six-year old one."

The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a twelve-year old one as requested.

The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a nine-year old one."

The barten

2007-08-24 20:29:34 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

If no one sees who ate the last cookie, does that mean the last cookie still exists on the plate?

2007-08-24 16:50:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-24 15:44:24 · 11 answers · asked by Camille P 1

This happened in a kindergarden.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them to each buy a copy of the group picture.

" Just think how nice it will be to look at it maybe 30 yrs from now when you're all grown up and say,'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor."

A small voice at the back of the room rang out," And that's the teacher. She's dead."

2007-08-24 15:30:02 · 14 answers · asked by witch2order 5

what did u tell them?.

2007-08-24 15:04:50 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 his favorite color was clear
2he would always wait at the airport for his boat to arrive
3 he thought manual labor was the president of mexico
4 he was outstanding in his own field
5 if anybody has anymore they want to add feel free,thats all i can think of at this time,best one gets 10 points

2007-08-24 15:04:39 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.

The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."

Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the

penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your

truck again?" The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him

to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."

2007-08-24 14:59:17 · 7 answers · asked by Conan 2

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

2007-08-24 13:40:35 · 20 answers · asked by "!" 5

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

2007-08-24 13:38:52 · 17 answers · asked by "!" 5

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can, and she replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

2007-08-24 13:31:53 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a true story!:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for £40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of £40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture ... of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine

2007-08-24 13:20:18 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a young boy walks on to a city bus and sits directly behind the bus driver. He begins to shout at the top if his lungs saying, "If my mummy were a girl elephant and my daddy were a boy elephant, I'd be a baby elephant!"
He goes on like this for half an hour when the bus driver finally reacts to the young boy's antics.
He slams on the brakes and turns around to the boy and yell's, "If your mother were a prostitute and your father were gay, what would you be then?"
To which the boy replies with a grin on his face, "A bus driver."

2007-08-24 11:52:43 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy dies and he goes to Hell. He is nervous obviously, because he has heard a lot of bad things about this place. The Devil appears before him.

Devil: Welcome to Hell!
Guy: You know, I am kind of nervous, I've heard a lot of bad things. I'm scared...
Devil: It's not so bad! Do you like to eat?
Guy: Yeah, I like to eat...
Devil: Well that's Great! On Mondays you can eat all you want and never get fat because you are in Hell and you are allready dead!
Guy: Hey, that's not so bad!

Devil: Do you like to drink?
Guy: Yeah, I've been known to stop at a bar a lot...
Devil: Well thats great! On Tuesdays you can drink all you want and never get alcohol poisoning because you are in hell and allready dead!
Guy: Hey, this isn't that bad!

Devil: Do you like to smoke?
Guy: Yeah, I do smoke ciggarettes a couple times a day...
Devil: Well that's great! Because on Wednesdays you can smoke all you want and not get cancer because you are in Hell and allready dead!

2007-08-24 11:52:09 · 9 answers · asked by parrothair3 2

There were three friends by the name NoOne, Nobody, and Stupid.Stupid went to the police and said,"Officer,Nobody fell in a hole and NoOne is helping him,"the officer responded "Excuse me sir are you Stupid?Yes nice to meet you.

2007-08-24 11:44:11 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the man cross the road?
Because he heard the chicken was easy.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time!

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop to ask for directions.

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're usually intended for children, but it's the men
who end up playing with them.

Why did God create a man before a women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

2007-08-24 11:42:42 · 19 answers · asked by pd6491 2

One day a little girl is outside with her father. She claps her hands together and said "Daddy, I killed a butterfly."

Her father replied "Don't do that, butterflies are our friends. No butter for a week."

A little while later the girl was playing and she clapped her hands and said "Daddy, daddy, I killed a honeybee!"

Her father said, "Don't do that, honeybees are our friends. No honey for a week."

Later on that day the girl and her father were in the kitchen. The girl's mother joined them. The mother stamped her foot and said, "I killed a cockroach."

The little girl said to her father, "Should I tell her or do you want to?"

2007-08-24 11:36:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"

The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"

2007-08-24 11:31:07 · 7 answers · asked by puma 4

I Was Just Wanderinding What Kind Work .

2007-08-24 11:07:51 · 4 answers · asked by mks 7-15-02 6