Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

prove that: sin x=6n
(answer after about half an hour)

2007-08-27 02:06:21 · 9 answers · asked by N- Aazi 2

...he asked.
'Bond,James Bond,and what's yours?'
'Chick,Chick Ken.'

2007-08-27 01:22:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts
for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later. "The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked,
"Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her
skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't
want to go to Iraq." The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but
you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a
little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't
want to go to Iraq either."

2007-08-27 01:18:16 · 22 answers · asked by Sweety 3

1) Over the Cliff by Hugo Furst (you go first)
2) Will He or Won't He? by Mae B. Sew (maybe so)
3) Peek-A-Boo By I. C. Hugh (I see you)
4) Who Killed the Robin by Howard I. Know (how would I know)
5) High and Dry by Rufus Leeking (roof is leaking)
6) Early One Morning by R. U. Upjohn (are you up John)
7) Round the Mountain By Sheila B. Cumming (she'll be coming)
8) Is it Love? by Midas Welby (might as well be)
9) Ten Years in the Monkey House by Bab Boone (baboon)
Detective Stories by Watts E. Dunne (what's he done)

2007-08-27 01:05:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-27 01:02:57 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day at the local all you can eat buffet, a man suddenly called out, “My
son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!”

A man from a nearby table quikly stood up and announced that he was quite
experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over they boy with almost no
look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy’s gonads, and
squeezed.

Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though
nothing had happened. “Thank you! Thank you!” the father cried.

“Are you a paramedic?” “No,” replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”

2007-08-27 00:41:33 · 11 answers · asked by Taddy 2

He put his meat up two Francs...

2007-08-27 00:14:12 · 14 answers · asked by bren 6

2007-08-26 23:48:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

life would be more fun if he had a
pet.
So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which
came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box & decided he
would
start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's
Head with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he
waited a few minutes
and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more,
thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this
time putting his face up against the centipede's
house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head
and have a drink with me?"







A little voice came out of the box:...........


















"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my bloody shoes on!!!!.

2007-08-26 23:28:20 · 9 answers · asked by Conan 2

I dont know what the answer is. Help?

2007-08-26 22:17:43 · 14 answers · asked by Hector C 2

They take a seat at the bar, order drinks, and begin to plan World War III.

The bartender overhears them and asks what they're doing.

Bush replies: "Making plans for the next war. This time we're gonna use nukes and we're gonna kill all 1.2 billion Muslims in the world and one blonde with big breasts."

The bartender looks shocked: "Why are you going to kill a blonde with big breasts?"

Bush nudges Cheney in the shoulder: "See! I told you you no one would give a damn about those Muslims!"

2007-08-26 17:30:28 · 15 answers · asked by My Name Is Ken 5

Dr.Frankenstein was in the middle of making his famous monster made from dead bodies. All he has to do is put in a brain. But he's all out of human brains so Dr.F goes to the brain store. At the front desk there is a sign listing prices.

Dumb brain......$1.35 per lb.
Average brain.....$1.99 per lb.
Smart brain.......$2.75 per lb.
Doctor brain......$3.25 per lb.
Lawyer brain......$50.00 per lb.

Dr.Frankenstein asks the guy at the front desk why the lawyer brains cost so much.
The guy at the desk says,"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get one pound of their brains?!"
@->-->-

2007-08-26 14:46:58 · 22 answers · asked by Chimpanzees? Monkey. 7

What is the longest word you can make with the top row of keys on your keyboard (ie q w etc)? What about the middle row and the bottom? The one who can make the longest word in all three rows gets the points. Proper nouns aren't allowed, but plurals are.

2007-08-26 14:45:41 · 11 answers · asked by BeckV 2

A blonde decides to paint her living room one day while her husband is away for the day. She is trying to prove to him that she can handle doing the dirty work. so she gets out the paint that she wants covers the floors and then 5 hours later the husband comes home and see the walls all painted...but notices his wife lying on the ground passed out. he goes over to her and she awakens, sweat is dripping down her face. the husbad goes hunny why r u wearing two jackets on, its 87 degrees. she said, i was reading the directions on how to apply the paint and it said to put on two coats.....................................................Please star if you liked my joke...thankyou!

2007-08-26 14:07:32 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the middle of the jungle, a cannibal walks into a restaurant specializing in human delicacies.
The waiter brings him a menu. He reads:

Fried Missionary: $5.99
Stewed Explorer: $5.99
Grilled Republican: $99.99
Baked Democrat: $99.99

He calls the waiter over.
"Hey, can you tell me why are the politicians so much higher?"

The waiter looks at him and says, "You kidding? Have you ever tried to clean one of those guys. They're so full of s**t it takes all day!"

2007-08-26 14:03:11 · 25 answers · asked by My Name Is Ken 5

ok so there is this plane and its about to fall...so the captain says to everyone that they must jump off the plane..but there r 5 passangers and 4 parachutes
so the first passanger is Ronaldo...and he says " im a soccor player, and the world needs me" so he jumps off...the second passanger is hilary clinton, and she says " im running for presidnt the world needs me" so she jumps off...then the 3rd passanger is george bush, and he says "im the president, i cant die, the world needs me" so he jumps...the now there is only the pope and a school boy leftt, so the pope says "my child i have lived a great long life, but u r still young grab the parachut and go"...then the small school boy says "father it is all right we can both be saved...George bush took my backpack instead of the parachut"




hahahahahah get it???
stupid *** george bush took the backback instead of the parashut

2007-08-26 13:58:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

as lunch was being served the woman sneezed and began to shudder violently, the man thought nothing of it and continued eating his lunch.

Half an hour later the woman sneezed and shuddered violent again, the man worried for himself plucked up the courage to ask her why, "ive seen you sneeze and shudder a few times now are you ok?" the woman " i have this rare condition that when i sneeze, i have an orgasm" the man replied " i had no idea, what are you taking for it?"

the woman looked at him and said, "pepper"

2007-08-26 13:41:30 · 22 answers · asked by Beenie 3

A man needs his wedding ring cut of his willy.
His mistress found it in his pocket and was so furious, she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
But whats worse?
Your mistress finding out your married?
Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your willy?
Or having a willy that fits through a ring?

2007-08-26 13:03:58 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

He apologies for his actions but she said it was fine. Impressed with how much a gentleman he was she said ”I will do you any favour you desire providing you do one thing, that you ask me to do it in 3 words.”

The guy pauses for a moment and thinks about it… he then says” I can have anything as long as I ask it in 3 words?” and she said ”Yes”. The man thinks about it for another moment.

He replies “PAINT MY HOUSE”

2007-08-26 12:37:00 · 11 answers · asked by Beenie 3

I saw a dog pee on a tree and the leaves started giving each other hi-5's!!!!!

Sorry Folks, friend just shared it with me and I had to share it with you.

2007-08-26 12:04:24 · 12 answers · asked by sunflower38024 2

Riddle:Insert parenthesis to make true
7-3 divided by 2(8)+2=20

2007-08-26 11:56:31 · 20 answers · asked by azizka93 3

One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of
your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable,
she kept silent.


The next morning,
the man woke his wife with
a pinch on each of her breasts
and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up,
we could get rid of your bra."

This was
beyond
a silent response...


So she rolled over
and
grabbed him
by his
'DANGLER.'


With a death grip in place,
she said...

"You know,
if you
firmed this up,
we could
get rid of
the gardener ,
the postman ,
the pool man
and
your brother!"

2007-08-26 11:52:23 · 34 answers · asked by Angela G 4

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady “Do you have a vagina?”

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman “Do you have a vagina?” She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice “Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.”

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice “Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it.” She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have vagina” .......

“Yes” she says......

The man replies.. “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?”

2007-08-26 11:48:10 · 31 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Little Johnny came home from Catholic school with a black eye. His father saw it and asked "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me and had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reachd over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!

"Johnny", the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Little Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. His father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Little Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

2007-08-26 11:39:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 15 " black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 29 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a king-size bed, and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping every night with a 60 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up to your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 30 year old blonde, and she would make absolutely sure that I would be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 15" TV.

I just love older women. They know how to solve a man's problems in a hurry.

2007-08-26 11:36:57 · 26 answers · asked by pd6491 2

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what had happened 16 years
ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" Again the mother
told her not to worry and explained what had happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a
tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

2007-08-26 11:28:34 · 22 answers · asked by Angela G 4

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

2007-08-26 11:17:02 · 21 answers · asked by ? 3

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

2007-08-26 11:09:02 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-26 10:39:51 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hitler".

2007-08-26 10:30:40 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous