Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A woman was in her front yard mowing grass when her attractive blond male neighbor came out of his house and went straight to the mailbox.

He opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later he came out of his house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went.

As the woman was getting ready to edge the lawn, he came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by his actions the woman asked him, "Is something wrong?"

To which he replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

2007-08-27 12:44:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered
answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a
helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME
."

2007-08-27 12:42:35 · 6 answers · asked by Roxas of Organization 13 7

The doctor says to Murphy. “Right Murphy. Your wife has just had her
tenth baby. I think it’s time you started taking precautions.”


“Oi’ll take anything that stops me wife havin’ more babies.” Says
Murphy.

“Right then Murphy. Here’s a prescription for condoms. Take it to the
chemist and he will give you a box of 100.”

“Roight.” Says Murphy. “But what do Oi do with’em.”

“No problem.” says Doc, “The instructions are on the box.”

A few weeks later, Murphy calls to see the Doctor.

“Can you come round please doctor. Oi think me wife’s pregnant.”

“Pregnant!“ says the doctor. “Didn’t you use the condoms?”

“Ter be sure Oi did. But they weren’t any good.” Says Murphy.

The doctor calls round to Murphy’s house and Murphy lets him in.

When they go into the front room, the doctor sees an upright piano in
the corner.

Hammered into the top of the piano, at each end, are two 6 inch nails.

2007-08-27 12:38:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

WOMAN'S DIARY

5th August 2007

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him thought it
might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter
to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went some where
nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself – he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the
television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up lt

2007-08-27 12:37:28 · 4 answers · asked by blahblahblah 5

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

2007-08-27 12:32:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-27 12:23:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

2007-08-27 11:44:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Shag me now she says , 'right now. ;He shags her on the kitchen table & then she go's back to cookin. ' Wot was that all about he asks. "Oh she said lookin at him over her shoulder, i couldn't find the egg timer!'

2007-08-27 11:43:56 · 12 answers · asked by m2united 1

e FBI was looking for a new agent because one just retired. The day of the testing, two men and a blonde lady show up. The first man goes up and the FBI agent says, "Here, take this gun. That woman in there is your PRETEND wife. Now go in there and shoot her."
The man walks in and then immediately walks back out. He says, "I cant do it, I love her too much!"
The second man does the same.
So the blonde goes in and you hear a POP! And then silence... then people screaming and stuff being thrown and banging. Then the blonde walks back out, and the FBI agent asks, "What was all the noise?!"
Replies the blonde, "Well the bullets were blanks, so I had to beat him to death with a chair!"

2007-08-27 11:41:48 · 14 answers · asked by puma 4

an englishman, an irishman, a scotsman & a welshman are all to face a firing squad.
each is given a last request
the scotsman says he would like to hear 'scotland the brave' on the bagpipes
the welshman wanted to hear a welsh male voice choir sing 'land of my fathers'
the irishman wanted to see traditional irish dancers doing an irish jig

the englishman requested that he be shot first.

2007-08-27 11:36:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates.

St. Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision.

Bill has a look around heaven. Lot's of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord . He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women . Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St. Peter.

Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.

St. Peter: No worries. You've got it.

Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't figure it out.

Gates: Hey! St. Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?

St. Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version.

2007-08-27 11:36:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her roommate, also a blonde came home and said, "What are you doing?" The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, " Duh! Helloooo .....You need to roll up the windows first!"

2007-08-27 11:32:19 · 11 answers · asked by puma 4

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. The female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled even louder, "HELLO, IS ANYONE HERE?!"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away: "Hello, we're down here..."

2007-08-27 11:30:18 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into
a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $1000

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

2007-08-27 11:28:05 · 4 answers · asked by ♥ Rachel The Great ♥ 4

Stop in the graveyard for a piss. one wipes herself with her knickers and the other uses a wreath. Ther two hubbands were in the pub the next day. One says, "i'd better watch my wife. She came home lastnight with no knickers on " The other man says' Thats f..k all , mine had a card wedged in her ars e saying, We'll never forget you. From all the boys at the firestation.

2007-08-27 11:20:18 · 15 answers · asked by m2united 1

A priest falls on hard times and is forced to sell his beloved horse. He explains to the new owner, "Remember now, you say, "Praise the Lord" to go and "Amen" to stop."

"Okay, I've got it!" the new owner says, and says, "Giddap" to no result. "Oh yeah, Praise the Lord" he says, and the horse starts off. This is nice, but I'd like to go a bit faster, he says to himself, so he says, "Praise the Lord" again, and goes a bit faster. This continues a few more times until he is running along very fast. There is a cliff ahead.

"Stop, Whoa, Stop, Oh yeah, Amen!!!!!"

The horse stops an inch from the edge of the cliff.

The guy wipes his brow and sighs, "Praise the Lord".

2007-08-27 10:59:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Anyone remember any ot those old Jeff Foxworthy Jokes?

Like You might be a redneck if...
Your working tv is sitting on top of your non working tv.
An episode of Walker Texas Ranger changed your life.
People keep wandering up to your house thinking you're having a yard sale
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them
Dirrections to your house include "turn off the paved road"
You have more than one relative named Junior
You've ever financed a tatoo

2007-08-27 10:49:06 · 9 answers · asked by Dee G 1

A janitor at a local high school was getting peeved because along with his regular duties he had to clean the lipstick off the mirrors in the girl's washroom. It seemed the young ladies were "practise kissing" and leaving lipstick prints on the mirrors. One day he saw three teenaged girls coming out of the washroom applying fresh lipstick. He said "Were you the ones who've been marking up my nice clean mirrors in there?" The girls owned up to the deed and he said as punishment they would have to help him clean it off. He handed each girl a mop. "Where do we get the water?" said one girl. "From the same place I get it from, the toilets!" Funny, since then the janitor hasn't had to clean a single mirror.

2007-08-27 10:30:05 · 12 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

2007-08-27 10:15:38 · 15 answers · asked by puma 4

Jokes women tell about men
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit rugby stadium.

Q: What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching its *** and the other's a chimpanzee.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a ****.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity

Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Why did god make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy

2007-08-27 10:01:13 · 18 answers · asked by geebob358 2

a woman goes to see a gynaecologist.
when he sets eyes on her all his professionalism goes out the window as she is drop dead gorgeous with a body to die for.
he asks her to undress & then he proceeds to examine her. he starts to fondle her breasts & says to her
"do you know what i'm doing?"
"yes" she replies "you're checking for lumps or abnormalities"
"that's right" he says as he then start to stroke her thighs sensually "do you know what i'm doing now?"
"yes" she replies "you're checking my skin for any dermalotogical problems"
"that's right" he says as he mounts her & begins to make mad passionate love to her "do you know what i'm doing now?"
"yes" she replies "you're catching the herpes i came to see you about in the first place"

2007-08-27 10:00:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus is walking around heaven, feeling nostalgic for his earthly life and family. He decides to look for Joseph to catch up on old times. He sees an old man and goes up to him.

Jesus: "Excuse me, I'm looking for my father."
Old Man: "What a coincidence. I'm looking for my son."
Jesus: "Well, my father wasn't really my biological father, but he loved me like a son anyway."
Old Man: "What a coincidence! My son wasn't my real son, either, but I loved him as my own."
Jesus: "Well, my father was a carpenter."
Old Man: "What a coincidence! I was a carpenter, too!"
Jesus: "Wow! Well, when I was a child, I left home for a long time, and when I finally came back, I experienced a magical transformation and became something completely different from what I'd been before."
Old Man: "Wow! The same thing happened to my son!"
Jesus: "Father!"
Old Man: "Pinocchio!"

2007-08-27 09:53:12 · 16 answers · asked by geebob358 2

Why do you never see a Scouser on Star Trek?

Because none of them have a job in the future either.


Best Answer goes to Scouser joke i not heard before (& is funny)

2007-08-27 09:44:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed in February 2003.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in.....And then the trouble started.

Hope you like it, can't do any more tonite, do some tomorrow...Toe.

2007-08-27 09:04:27 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Stupid guide to Medicine
- A -
Artery: Study Of Paintings
- B -
Bacteria: Back Door To A Cafeteria
Barium: What Doctors Do When Treatment Fails
Benign: What You Be After You Be Eight
Bowel: A Letter Like A, E, I, O Or U
- C -
Caesarean Section: A District In Rome
Cat Scan: Searching For Kitty
Cauterize: Made Eye Contact With Her
Colic: A Sheep Dog
Coma: A Punctuation Mark
Congenital: Friendly
- D -
Dnc: Where Washington Is
Dilate: To Live Long
- E -
Enema: Not A Friend
- F -
Fester: Quicker
- G -
Genital: Non-jewish
G.i. Series: Soldier Ball Game
Grippe: Suitcase
- H -
Hangnail: Coat Hook
High Colonic: Jewish Religious Holiday
- I -
Impotent: Distinguished, Well Known
- L -
Labor Pain: Getting Hurt At Work
- M -
Medical Staff: Doctor's Cane
Morbid: Higher Offer
- N -
Nitrate: Cheaper Than A Day Rate
Node: Was Aware Of
- O -
Outpatient: Person Who Has Fainted
- P -
Pap Smear: Fatherhood Test
Pelvis: Cousin Of Elvis
Post Operative: Letter Carrier
Prostate: Flat On Your Back
- R -
Recovery Room: Place To Do Upholstery
Rectum: Dang Near Killed Him
Rheumatic: Amorous
- S -
Secretion: Hiding Something
Seizure: Roman Emperor
- T -
Tablet: A Small Table
Terminal Illness: Getting Sick At The Airport
Tibia: Country In North Africa
Tumor: More Than One
- U -
Urine: Opposite Of You're Out
- V -
Varicose: Near By

2007-08-27 08:57:32 · 22 answers · asked by geebob358 2

A doctor said to a man " you want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise and run ten miles a day".
Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor said " How is your love life since you have been running?"
the man said " I don't know, I'm 140 miles away"!

2007-08-27 08:35:07 · 17 answers · asked by Plato 5

Light switches outside of rooms

- Especially when the room is a bathroom. What the frig is the point of this? I mean it's like the electrician REALLY got a kick out of playing the "lights out while on the crapper" game, and just HAD to share it with everyone. I guess this peeve stems from the fact that between plumbing and paranormal investigation, I spend a lot of time in other people's houses, and in the dark at that, and there is nothing more frustrating that searching for the dumb switch only to find that it isn't even in the room

2007-08-27 07:47:27 · 9 answers · asked by hbf2828 2

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb To temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,

2007-08-27 07:45:06 · 24 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testings were done three finalists remained. Richard, Sam and Jane were to be given a final test.

For the final test, the FBI agents took Richard to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find Betty, your wife, sitting in a chair. Kill Her!” Richard said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

Sam was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Sam came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally it was Jane’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband Bob. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood Jane, wiping the sweat from her brow. “The gun was loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with a chair.”

2007-08-27 06:38:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An escaped convict broke into a house & tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered,"Honey, the guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it & pretend you like it. Our lives depend in it."
"Dear," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice asssss."

2007-08-27 04:52:56 · 1 answers · asked by Nancy M 7