Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

gifted!

2007-08-01 07:27:46 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

A neighbor was busted for smuggling from canada it the U.S and Alstralia...

2007-08-01 07:22:57 · 16 answers · asked by Letme 1

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well.

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming... ..

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something
else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

2007-08-01 07:09:35 · 32 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five year old Son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying....

"All of you bastards who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your *** in the train, 'cause we are going down the tracks now".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you are just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. "Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat ***** in the kitchen."

2007-08-01 07:06:53 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. They both cost about $100
2. They both last about 30 seconds
3. And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man!

2007-08-01 06:53:32 · 6 answers · asked by nrelle99 2

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

2007-08-01 06:47:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 five year old boys are standing at a urinal, one says to the other, "your thingy doesn't have any skin on it."
"I've been circumcised ," he replys.
"what does that mean?"
"it means they cut the skin off at the end"
"how old were you?"
"my mum said i was 2 days old"
"did it hurt?"
"you bet it hurt, i couldn't walk for a year!"

2007-08-01 06:46:36 · 3 answers · asked by nrelle99 2

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

2007-08-01 06:43:29 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three men in a 6th floor hotel room on the balcony, an Italian, an African American and a Caucasian. After about a case of beer, the Caucasian guy decides that he wants to talk about his penis size, he tells his other two friends that he bets that he can toss his penis over the balcony and it would reach the 4th floor... he does and it barely reaches the 5th floor, so the African American guy says he could reach the 2nd floor, he tosses his penis over and sure enough he reaches the 2nd floor. Both men sit there looking at the italian waiting so he gets up and tosses his penis over the balcony too, all sudden he starts moving his hips all over the place back and forth, the other two guys ask him what he's doing and the Italian replies... "I'm dodging traffic!!"

2007-08-01 06:39:22 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

here is a riddle see if u can figure it out

a man was driving to canada with his son, but got into a wreck and died.The son woke up in a hospital.The doctor was there waiting for him to wake up.when the son was fully awake the doctor said, "You are my son."
How can this be?

2007-08-01 06:33:47 · 13 answers · asked by IceM88 5

There was an old lady who thought she had seen and done everything in life that she could possibly do and there was no reason for her to still be alive. She decided to end her life and was going to shoot herself in the heart. Only problem was she didn't know what side her heart was on, so she rang her doctor and he told he it was located about an inch below her left nipple.
So she picked up her gun, took a deep breath and......shot herself in the hip!

2007-08-01 06:32:15 · 8 answers · asked by nrelle99 2

Imagine that you are swimming in the sea with your friends and you came across one such shark !! What do you think will happen?

2007-08-01 05:59:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you f*ck off, I'm trying to take a sh*t"!

2007-08-01 05:54:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, “Hey, have you noticed how horrible-looking the bride is? Man, she's ugly!”
“You jackass. That's my daughter you're talking about!” the person responds.
“Oops! I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know you we're the father.”
“I'm not, you stupid idiot. I'm the mother!”

2007-08-01 05:51:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cute little girl walks into a pet store. She asks the man at the counter is they had any bunnies. The man leans over and asks, "Do you want a little white bunny or a big brown bunny or a fluffy black bunny?" The little girl hesitates, then replies, "I don't think my cobra gives a cwap."

If your in the mood for a smile head over here really funny dumb criminals
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

2007-08-01 05:42:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of breath little Johnny who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is f**k-ing the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. "You should have said, ’The bull is surprising the cow’- not some filth you picked up in the City," he says. A few days later, little Johnny comes again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot ’surprise’ more than one cow at a time you know." "Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He’s f**k-ing the horse!"

2007-08-01 05:37:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A flat chested Calamity Jane was delighted when her fairy godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said "pardon" to her.
Walking down the street, Calamity accidentally bumps into a man who said: "Pardon me." to her delight, her breasts immediately grew an inch.
The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, and when he begged her pardon, another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven.
That evening, she walked into an indian restaurant, and collided with a waiter who bowed and said: "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behaviour."
The headline in the following mornings paper read: "Indian waiter crushed to death."

2007-08-01 05:26:50 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

2007-08-01 05:25:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The police have nothing to go on.

2007-08-01 05:21:32 · 6 answers · asked by hello world 7

Smila's an old man, and one day his wife say's let run upstairs and make love, he replies,"I can't do both!"

2007-08-01 05:14:47 · 10 answers · asked by "!" 5

Myklia walked into the dentist's, took off her knickers, sat in the chair and draped one leg over each arm,
"Myklia, i think you're mistaken, say's the dentist, "the gynaecologist's surgery is on the next floor.
"No mistake." replies Myklia. "Yesterday you put in my hubby's new dentures. Today I want you to take them out."

2007-08-01 05:07:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tall I am young, short I am old
I can destroy a home
I can die from a drop
What am I?

My stupid boyfriend's stupid friend sent it to me and he's all like, I bet you cant figure this out! And Im frustrated.

2007-08-01 05:05:44 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A gay man walks into a bar in the old west and orders a whiskey and water.



The bartender immediatley notices that the guy is gay and says " We don’t serve your kind here you will have to leave "



The queer replies" I just need a drink... Please give me a drink and I will sit in the back corner of the bar out of site and finish my drink"



The bartender told the queer "DO NOT SAY ANY THING TO MY CUSTOMERS’ and the fruit agreed.



After about fifteen minutes a redneck walks in and says at the top of his voice" Whew, It’s so hot out there I could lick the sweat off a bulls balls."



Just then, the queer jumps up on the table and shouts" MOO MOO BIG BOY "

2007-08-01 05:01:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man was sitting on a beach when he spotted Piscesburd in a bikini. Walking over to her, he announced boldly: "I want to feel your breasts."
Disgusted by the suggestion, she told him:"Go away, you dirty old man!"
But the old man repeated: "I want to feel your breasts, i'll give you £20."
"£20?" she exclaimed. "Are you crazy? Get away from me before I call the police!"
The old man persisted. "I want to feel your breasts, i'll give you £100."
"What part of 'get lost' don't you understand?" she snapped'
"OK" said the old man "£200"
She paused momentarily to think about it before coming to her senses and answering: "I told you, no. Go away NOW!"
The old man looked at her and said: "I'll give you £500, if you let me feel your breasts."
Against her better judgement, she had to admit that it was good money for a quick grope, and, besides, he was a harmless old man. "Alright," she said, "i'll et you feel my breasts for £500, but only for a few seconds."

2007-08-01 04:29:00 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

astupid man was walking in the street and looking for aporno house....he successfully founded one....and when he knocked on the door alovely girl answered...(ya what do you want)...he said is this a porno house ...she said ...yes thats right.....he said ....is mr porno here????!!!??

2007-08-01 04:23:49 · 5 answers · asked by person x 3

Lets you know EXACTLY what others do on your computer when you are away.
Perfect for catching cheaters, monitoring employees, children and spouse, acquiring others' passwords and even investigating crimes.

Power Spy secretly records: keystrokes, websites visited, emails read, documents opened, clipboard activaties, passwords typed, applications executed, conversation text of Skype, MSN Messenger, ICQ, AIM, Yahoo! Messenger and Windows Messenger. It even takes screen snapshots at your set interval like a surveillance camera.
Know More Details << Free To Download << Buy It Online Securely <<




Home Page <<

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs *******."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh ****!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the ***** in the kitchen."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your *** out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some ******* ice cream."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear?" There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know there are starving people in those third world countries, and you're just wasting that food. Then package it up and ship it to 'em if you're so concerned you dumb ****!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.

She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"

2007-08-01 04:19:11 · 15 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

2007-08-01 04:17:15 · 8 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

(read this out loud)

British Wrist Watch

2007-08-01 04:12:07 · 12 answers · asked by Susarella 2

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxy z
ok above is the alphabet im gone to give you some sets of numbers but im not going to tell you the mathmatics to get the letter.each set will give you a letter if you work out the math when you have all the letters you will have the title of a film
i will give you answer in 30 mins if anyone gets it before that time and shows me the math you will get ten points good luck,

set 1- 10 5 2
set 2- 6 2 3
set 3- 17 5 1
set 4- 3 3 4
set 5- 2 3 5
set 6- 7 2 9
set 7- 2 5 6
set 8- 18 2 6

2007-08-01 04:08:08 · 15 answers · asked by jericho sland 4

Okay:

1. There were 3 girls. A brunette, a blonde, and a red head. There were being chased by police. They found a shack and saw 3 sacks. They all hid. The police stopped and said "Come On!, We know you are in here!" And they kicked the first sack. "RUff Ruff" Said the brunette. "Sorry little puppy" they said. They kicked the next one. "Meow Meow" said the red head. Sorry little puppy. They kicked the third sack. "Potatoes Potatoes!!"!

If you are a blonde like I am, do not get offended, it doesn't mean you are dumb.

2007-08-01 04:03:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous