Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Do you still think they are going to be playing "Who Let The Dogs Out" at football games?

2007-08-02 06:01:59 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-02 05:53:53 · 3 answers · asked by safety expert 5

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

2007-08-02 05:52:21 · 26 answers · asked by Teeny 4

2007-08-02 05:37:33 · 13 answers · asked by archie j 2

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

2007-08-02 05:18:31 · 12 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

1)at a party, 1 woman asked another " r u wearin ur weddin ring on d wrong finger? d other woman said" yes i am..........coz i married d wrong man.
2)WIFE= worries invited for ever
3) 1 summer evenin a young son came in while his parents were settin d table 4 supper...quite suprisingly he askd if he could help his mother said " no,bt i appreciate ur askin......d child responded " well i appreciate u sayin no"
4) a mother was preparin pancakes 4 her sons kevin 5. nd ryan 3 yrs. d boyz began 2 argue over who could get d 1st pancake.their mother saw d oppurtunity 4for d moral lesson.if jesus was sittin here,he would say"let my brother hv d 1st pancake...i can wait" kevin turned to his younger bro ryan nd said"ryan u b jesus"

2007-08-02 05:18:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

2007-08-02 05:13:26 · 10 answers · asked by nrelle99 2

Things you learn from Children

For those with No children---this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age---this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age---this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age---this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children---this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-sq. ft. house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

2007-08-02 04:50:58 · 24 answers · asked by Arisa 1

HOW NOT TO COMMIT A BANK ROBBERY

Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.

Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

2007-08-02 04:46:32 · 12 answers · asked by Arisa 1

since conan is not here lemme do a lil somethin to cheer you up

A woman and a man wanted to have a baby, so they went to the doctor to see if there was a way. When the doctor came in, told them about a new study that transfers all the pain from the mother to the father during delivery. They both agreed to take part in the study. Later, when the woman went into labor, her husband was hooked up to the device to transfer the pain. After it was hooked up the doctor turned on the power. The man didn't feel anything so he told the doctor to turn the power up. After the power was turned up the man still couldn't feel anything. The doctor turned it up more. The man still couldn't feel it. Finally, the doctor turned it up the whole way. The woman delivered a beautiful baby, and neither of them felt any pain.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the doorstep

2007-08-02 04:42:19 · 31 answers · asked by caroline 5

Research proves that 22% of men like girls with long legs, 34% of men like girls with big legs and the rest said they liked something in between

2007-08-02 04:36:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly.
I dunno why she swallowed that fly,
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly -
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a bird;
How absurd, to swallow a bird!
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly -
Perhaps she'll die

There was an old lady who swallowed a cat.
Imagine that, she swallowed a cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die

There was an old lady who swallowed a dog.
What a hog! To swallow a dog!
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat...
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a goat.
Just opened her throat and swallowed a goat!
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog ...
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a cow.
I don't know how she swallowed a cow!
She swallowed the cow to catch the goat... She swallowed the goat to catch the dog...
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat...
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
But I dunno why she swallowed that fly
Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who swallowed a horse -
She's dead, of course.

2007-08-02 04:34:42 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chris benoits cat



lmfao =)

2007-08-02 04:34:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

2007-08-02 04:24:38 · 12 answers · asked by CraazyGurl 2

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office
but she belonged to someone else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
The girl said, "NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast.
I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.
She called her boyfriend and told him the story.
The boyfriend said, Ask him for $200. then pick up the money very fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal.
Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened.

She said, "THE BASTARD USED QUARTERS!"

2007-08-02 04:22:17 · 44 answers · asked by big H 4

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your a*ss didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

2007-08-02 04:22:13 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ Rachel The Great ♥ 4

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.

This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, ****".

Only down south it was a little different 89.8 said
"Hold my beer and watch this!"

2007-08-02 04:03:26 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The gorgious black-haired girl walks through the croud and meets her friends: the red-headed girl and the blonde girl.
Black-haired girl: "Hey, what's up!"
Red-headed girl: "What's up!"
Blonde: Looks up, "I don't see anything."

Black-haired girl: To red-head girl, "So hows work coming?"
Red-haired girl: "Piece of cake! You bet ya!"
Blonde: "Mmmmmm...yummy job. What's that?"

Black-haired girl: "What do you girls wanna do?"
Red-haired girl: "Let's go to the mall and buy, girls!"
Blonde: Leaves, "yeah, bye girls! See ya!"
Red-haired girl: "Wait, [blonde girl's name], we haven't heard your opinion."
Black-haired girl: "Yeah, what do you want to do?"
Blonde: Starts crying. "But I thought you girls didn't want me to come along with you!"
Black-haired girl: "Huh?"
Red-headed girl: "Huh?"
Blonde-haired: "And I don't want to play pall-mall!"

Note: pall-mall was a a game, popular in the 17th century. It was a ball game played in alleys called "malls".

2007-08-02 03:59:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anthony C 4

I had some brains in the refrigerator that I was saving for the weekend and now they're gone. Should I ask the "What should I do Retard" what I should do? And if this has ever happened to you (or something similar) could you please tell me about it and what you did then? Thanks, and pass the ketchup!

2007-08-02 03:49:21 · 4 answers · asked by Paul Hxyz 7

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age? "He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You're amazing. How do you do it?" He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well! !! You certainly are quite a man!" He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running"

The nurse said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

2007-08-02 03:47:45 · 15 answers · asked by bperez2002 3

why did the mississippi bridge collapse ?












Because it was full of fat americans

2007-08-02 03:42:18 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read

’Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins’, then she moved under one that read

’Sloans Liniments remove Swelling’. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read

’William Stick Did The Trick’. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read

’Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident’."

He won the case.

2007-08-02 01:58:44 · 42 answers · asked by kelly 3

THE PERFECT PASSWORD

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....

P...
E...
N...
I...
S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

2007-08-02 01:48:59 · 11 answers · asked by David 6

riddle

2007-08-02 01:39:56 · 5 answers · asked by Maureen J 1

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs". The second floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs and Love Kids". The third floor sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking."

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

At the fourth floor the sign reads: "These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework."
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still

2007-08-02 00:40:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (Scroll down)







First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?










Answer: If you answered that you are first, and then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.









Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?













Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, and then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?









You're not very good at this! Are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.






Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?












Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?








Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again



Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?






He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

2007-08-01 23:04:38 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said. "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies . . . "you just happened to catch my eye."

2007-08-01 23:04:27 · 13 answers · asked by Louis Junior. 4

A man sits next to a priest on a bus. He notices that the priest is only looking out of the window so he desides to ask him a question.
"Father why do we have to get diseases like diabedes? Is that God punishing us for our sins?
The priest, known as a fire and brimstone style preacher sees and opportunity to put a little of the fear of God into the man says.
"Well my son, diabedes and diseases like that are the result of people leading a life of sin, by drinking, overeating, and chasing loose women"
"how long have you known that you have diabedes my son?"
The man replies.
"Oh no, it's not me. I was just reading in the paper that it's the Bishop that has diabedes.

2007-08-01 22:59:06 · 2 answers · asked by ericbryce2 7

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice cream parlor together. The brunette went up and asked for a Dr. Pepper float with no ice cream. The counter man was confused, but gave her a Dr. Pepper float with no ice cream.
The redhead went up and asked for a single dip of vanilla ice cream with Pepsi poured over it. The man was really confused now. But he gave the redhead her order.

The blonde was listening to the other two women and thought that she should have a ''special order'' too. So she went up and asked for an extra-large root beer, but hold the roots.

2007-08-01 22:58:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish.
The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!''
"Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went.

Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!''
And off she went.

The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

2007-08-01 22:56:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous