Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

2007-08-01 11:39:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day God was looking down on the USA and saw all the bad behaviour that was going on. So he decided to send an angel to the USA to check it out.
When the angel returned he told God, " Yes, things are bad, 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not!".
God thought for a moment and decided to send another angel to get a second opinion. When this angel returned he said to God: " Yes it´s true, 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased!. So while he was debating what to do, he decided to send an e-mail to the 5% that where good, to encourage them to keep up the good standarts.
Do you know what the e-mail said? No?
I didn´t get one either!!!

2007-08-01 11:37:29 · 12 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple, now everyone is happy!!

2007-08-01 11:17:02 · 19 answers · asked by Grotty Bodkin is not dead!!! 5

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes, "she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?

2007-08-01 11:07:58 · 22 answers · asked by ? 5

I didn't know what a panda was...so I looked into the dictionary.
It said "eats, shoots, leaves!" I then decided to never go to the bar because they were going to display a panda from now on.

2007-08-01 10:56:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anthony C 4

there are 3 light bulbs in three seperate rooms. in front of you, there is a panel with 3 seperate switches. they only turn on or off. you may look inside each room only once. how can you tell which bulb belongs to which switch?

THIS ONE'S A LITTLE HARDER...

2007-08-01 10:53:08 · 12 answers · asked by MonkeeBizness 2

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter
from his mother asking him to send her a current photo
of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let
her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a
photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture
in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the
photo.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks
later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it
makes your nose look short!"

2007-08-01 10:52:26 · 13 answers · asked by jericho sland 4

Jeni R driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. Jeni didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. Jeni followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart car park, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"


A blonde woman Jeni R was tired of people calling her names and teasing her because of the colour of her hair, so she decided to kill herself. She found some rope and went to the park. She tied one end of the rope to a branch of a tree, climbed the tree and then tied the other end of the rope to her neck.
"Good bye, cruel world," and with that, she slid of the branch.
A couple of hours later, a man was walking in the park, when he noticed a blonde hanging from the tree, but the rope was now round her waiste.
"What are you doing?" the man asked in surprise.
"Im killing myself because the world is an evil place." Jeni R said with a tear in her eye.
"Well, isn't the rope supposed to be round your neck if your commiting sucide?" he said.
"Oh yes, but i tried that and couldn't breathe!"

2007-08-01 10:51:51 · 12 answers · asked by "!" 5

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple
go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you
can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh, aaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you
are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "my picture?"
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next
to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the
new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaimes, "oh, oh, my,
let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "why?"
She answers, "so I can get it enlarged!"

2007-08-01 10:42:02 · 8 answers · asked by jericho sland 4

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

2007-08-01 10:26:27 · 14 answers · asked by jericho sland 4

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes I saw it!" Replied Finney.

"Where are you callin' from?"

2007-08-01 10:05:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-01 09:50:14 · 8 answers · asked by asker 1

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

2007-08-01 09:49:07 · 20 answers · asked by Jeni R 4

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mudpit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it. The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his pen!s and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out. The moral of the story: You don't need a BMW to pick up chicks if you are hung like a horse.

2007-08-01 09:34:00 · 17 answers · asked by ? 5

a leprechaun walks into a bar and the bartender notices a big buldge in his pants. the bartender says to the leprechaun, "hey you have a big buldge in your pants!!"
the leprechaun replies, "yeah i know, its a steering wheel. and its DRIVIN ME NUTTS!!!"

2007-08-01 09:33:06 · 5 answers · asked by ♥jess♥ 2

Where does a mommy ghost take her kids for the day?

a daySCARE center!!! HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA

2007-08-01 09:16:01 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate the wife’s birthday. While they were getting ready, the husband put the cat out. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shot back into the house. Not wanting their cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

2007-08-01 09:03:31 · 8 answers · asked by ? 5

10 truths Black and Hispanic people know, but White people won't admit:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 truths White and Black people know, but Hispanic people won't admit:
1. Hickey's are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname

2007-08-01 09:02:47 · 18 answers · asked by Ms. Thang 4

2007-08-01 09:01:29 · 8 answers · asked by mastodonfan92 1

A soldier gets a "Dear John " letter....

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,
since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky..............


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.

In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
me.

Take Care,
Ricky

2007-08-01 08:58:46 · 9 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

The Creation of Eve

God went down to Eden to see how Adam was getting on.

"What do you think of life Adam"said God.
"Well"said Adam"It's quite hard work and a little boring and,well,just a little lonely too".
"Don't worry"declared God"I've been working on a solution to all these problems.I'm going to create a Woman.She'll wash and cook for you and she'll have sex with you whenever you want.Infact she'll do everything you can imagine".

"That sounds great" said Adam"but how much will this Woman cost me?"

"I was thinking an arm and a leg" answered God

"That sounds a bit steep what can I get for a rib"

2007-08-01 08:51:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not long after their wedding, Jim Jr M and Calamity awake early one morning.

They are up quite a while before they meet in the kitchen.

Marriage has been agreeing with Jim Jr M, and he meets his new wife with glee.

"Sweetheart," he says, "If you'll just make the toast and pour the juice, breakfast will be ready."

"Great! What are we having?" asks Calamity.

"Toast and juice," replies Jim Jr M.

2007-08-01 08:50:48 · 11 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

and no liquid came out. liquid always comes out! what should i do? am i dehydrated?

2007-08-01 08:46:48 · 8 answers · asked by brandon f 3

In Scotland there lives an irish man named jim jr m, and it's most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
Hell she said," It's the size of a whales doda then!!"

2007-08-01 08:40:24 · 11 answers · asked by "!" 5

Calamity Jane the brunette American astronaut, Myklia the blonde Russian astronaut and Fidgety fingers the redheaded Irish astronaut were sitting in a bar having a drink. Myklia says "Cheers to Russia we were the first in Space.!" Calamity says "God Bless America we were the first on the Moon" and Fidget not to be outdone says "Here's to Ireland we're going to be the first to land on the Sun." Myklia trying to prove the superiority of the Blonde haired Blue eyed Russian women says "You cant do that you'll burn up.!" Fidget replies "We're not that stupid we are going at night.!"

2007-08-01 08:37:04 · 23 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A Fudd-cicle.

2007-08-01 08:34:28 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A recently widowed lady, was sitting on a beach towel in Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! After, Sarah gasped and asked the man,

"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Kats?

2007-08-01 08:31:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says ’You’ve been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours, just ask.’ The cat says ’ I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm , had to sleep on hard floors.’ God says ’Say no more.’ And lo, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later 6 mice are killed in an accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, ’All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and women with brooms. If we could have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ’Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a lovely pair of tiny roller skates. A week later, God checks to see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, ’How are you doing? Are you happy here?’ The cat yawns and stretches ’Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life those Meals on Wheels are the best!

2007-08-01 08:29:01 · 7 answers · asked by ? 5

A: They are both made of plastic and dangerous for children
to play with.

2007-08-01 08:19:10 · 10 answers · asked by bernman101 6

a man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water the man behind the bar bends down comes back up and points a rifle at his head the man asking for a glass of water says thanks and walks out why?

ill give answer in 4 hours if no one gets, first person to get it gets 10 points

2007-08-01 08:07:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous