Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A old man walked into an Ice-Cream Parlor, covered in Sweat. He wiped the puddle of sweat off of his face, and plopped into a chair, gasping for air. He ordered a Hot Fudge Sunde. "Crushed nuts?," asked the waiter. "No," said the old man,"Arthritis."

♥♥♥ ;-) ♥♥♥

2007-08-03 09:30:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old, frial woman was looking into her mirror one morning and complained to her husband,"Honey, when I look into this mirror,I see an ugly old woman who is about to die. The skin on my neck in sagging, My boobs are nearly past my waist, and my butt's out a mile." She looks at her husband,"Say something positive about me!" He says,"Well, Dear, Your Eye-sight isn't half-bad!"

The services for the husband will be next Sunday
at 3:300 PM At St. Luke's Church.

2007-08-03 09:23:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

And you went through the proper channels with Customer Care and nothing happened. Maybe they responded by acknowledging your petition, but nothing ever came about as a result?

Was your account suspended or even deleted?

Was this because somebody got annoyed with what you posted or perhaps just because they had an axe to grind that day?

You couldn't do anything about it, could you? Somebody was abusing the "report violation" button, and you were getting the short end of the stick.

Well, you can fight this "injustice" by going to

http://tech.groups.yahoo.com/group/anti_nazi_allies/

Maybe if enough of us get together, we can persuade Yahoo! Answers to revamp their seemingly robotic report system.

Thanks.

Or you can just go ahead and report me.

2007-08-03 09:16:29 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just a reminder........

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

2007-08-03 08:09:23 · 9 answers · asked by CNJ 2

Saying The Right Thing
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

2007-08-03 08:02:15 · 9 answers · asked by CNJ 2

A two hundred dollar purchase
With a twenty-five dollar rent,
Until you have all four of us,
Then an even return you'll get.

One is next to Illinois,
And one borders Virginia.
One has no state name next to it,
The fourth's near Pennsylvania

2007-08-03 07:56:19 · 14 answers · asked by smutz 4

I have 3 brothers.
One is 8 and he values his toy guns and playstation time.
One is 10 and he has a lot of stuffed animals that he enjoys making fighters out of. And he talks alot.
One is 15 and he loves his music (including Akon, Timberland, and various rappers and a very little rock, surprisingly).

They have been extra annoying lately. I think they want my attention, especially since I tend to block them out...But, if it's my attention they want, it's my attention they'll get. I just need some HARMLESS ideas, please. Oh, and pay close attention to the fact that I said HARMLESS; I don't want anyone to get hurt.

oh, and if it helps to know, I am the second oldest.

2007-08-03 07:40:12 · 8 answers · asked by xREDrawr 4

2007-08-03 07:18:41 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago". He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" “Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really, " he said, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

2007-08-03 06:44:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

2007-08-03 06:20:02 · 14 answers · asked by "!" 5

A depressed man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks for eleven shots of whisky. Surprised but never the one to turn down money, the bartender lines up the shot glasses and fills them all. Without skipping a beat, the guy downs each shot, one after the other.

As he finishes the 11th shot, the bartender says to him "Hey buddy, slow down! Why are you drinking so fast?"

"I'm depressed. Today I had my first bl@wj@b."

The bartender says "Hey man, that's nothing to be depressed about. Here..." He starts to pour another shot.... "Have the 12th one on me!"

The man says "No thanks. If 11 shots didn't get the taste out of my mouth, 12 sure as hell won't."

2007-08-03 05:32:25 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!

2007-08-03 05:14:49 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATlON BULLETIN

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSlS




ELEMENT : Woman
SYMBOL : Wo
DISCOVERER : Adam
ATOMIC MASS : Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 - 200kg
OCCURRENCES : Copious quantities in urban areas



PHYSICAL PROPERTIES :

1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied to correct places.

CHEMlCAL PROPERTIES :

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

2007-08-03 04:27:39 · 21 answers · asked by Est passé de velours ♥Rose♥ 5

Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 minutes.

Q. What is the difference etween "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

2007-08-03 02:55:52 · 21 answers · asked by Jim 7

guess how tall am i in (cms)
get it right and u will get 10 points or be the closest

2007-08-03 02:41:17 · 26 answers · asked by westham till i die 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organizers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Manchester' athletes.

100 METERS SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting

2007-08-03 02:06:04 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

on the head.

The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.

Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes, "Taa-Daa!"

2007-08-03 01:58:48 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys were at a bar arguing with their friend who was a midget. Sudden out of nowhere, the Pope walks into the bar! "Oh my god its the pope " they all say at once "the midget says to the guys 'That's it I'm going ask him." So he walks up to the Pope and asks "Sir, are there midget nuns in America?", "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are there midget nuns in the entire world?" "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are there even such things as midget nuns?" "No, no, no." says the Pope. His friends burst out chanting, "Joe screwed a penguin, Joe screwed a penguin..."

2007-08-03 00:40:38 · 11 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't get a boyfriend, since my husband (his Dad) had run off. I told him the television is my new boyfriend, he entertains me all the time. And, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I just give it a few hard whacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm happy as a lark for hours. He was satisfied with the explanation and walked away.

Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. My son answered the door. The pastor smiled and asked, "Is your Mom busy, son?" My little one looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she's in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy for hours!"

2007-08-03 00:30:01 · 25 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

2007-08-02 23:27:55 · 21 answers · asked by Emmi92 1

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

2007-08-02 23:23:03 · 13 answers · asked by Emmi92 1

adam returned home late one night, and eve confronted him at the door.

"you`re seeing another woman, arent u?" she accused

"dont be silly, you`re the only woman on earth" he replied

later, while half-asleep, adam felt a tickle on his chest. "what are you doing?" he asked eve

"Counting your ribs"

2007-08-02 23:03:19 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

hi everyone another nice day.can anyone tell me. my girlfriend was scratching the palm of her right hand and said im going to receive money. i said you give with your right and and recieve with your left whos correct thank you.

2007-08-02 22:57:13 · 9 answers · asked by meandean 5

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's GIRL FRIEND found the wedding ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Discovering that your penis fits your wedding ring.

2007-08-02 22:02:34 · 14 answers · asked by Brad 2

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."

2007-08-02 21:57:36 · 12 answers · asked by Brad 2

The question is why. the correct answer will give you 10 points. the answer is only 2 words, and is the only answer that can disprove or CANCEL OUT the question.

2007-08-02 21:05:13 · 16 answers · asked by Shauny Boy 2

Ok.. we have heard of alot of blonde joke, mostly dumb blonde.
So here's the challenge: Anyone who can come out with the best smart blonde joke would get 10 points for best answer.

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!."

2007-08-02 19:46:07 · 7 answers · asked by Sleepy One 2

theres this pirate right, he goes to the bar and the bartender says, why do u have a hook? pirate says, lost me arm in battle. bartender asks, why the peg leg. pirate says i lost it in battle. finaly the bartender asks why do you have an eyepatch. pirate says, there was a fly on me eye, it was me first day with the hook!!

2007-08-02 18:52:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

... those that can read binary and those that can't

2007-08-02 18:46:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-02 18:42:51 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous