Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are
blind
that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight
lifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

2007-08-05 00:08:39 · 18 answers · asked by iowntheavenue 4

2007-08-04 23:38:31 · 17 answers · asked by aanthai5 1

And I don’t know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing’s real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me

Three months and I’m still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It’s never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I’m still standing here
Three months and I’m getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I’m still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

2007-08-04 23:37:31 · 4 answers · asked by munequita 1

1) i am trying to read a book but i cant wahy cant i read a book??

2) most people loves me the y come to see me and i entertain them i got funny nose . waht am I

3) there is somethin which i wear most of the time . and when i wear that thing it makes me see shady and dark but when i am not wearin it resides on my head . waht am i

2007-08-04 22:27:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

They agreed they should go & admit to the damage, & pay for repairs.

They go up to the house & find a man lounging on the sofa, and a beautiful green glass bottle smashed on the floor.

Husband: R u the owner?
Man: No, I'm a genie, & you just released me from 1,000 years of imprisionment, in that green glass bottle! I will grant 3 wishes.
HUsband: Wow, I'd like a million dollars!
Wife: I'd like a house in every country in the world, complete with servants.
Genie: May i take the 3rd wish?
Husband & wife: Sure!
Genie: well, I've been bottled up for 1,000 years, and haven't had sex in all that time. Will you let me have sex with your wife?

The husband & wife talked it over, and the wife agreed it was a small price to pay for all the riches they had just received.
So the genie & the wife head upstairs to the main bedroom & go for it. They were there for 4 hours, doing anything & everything. Finally, the genie was done, & rolled over & asked the wife

2007-08-04 21:27:24 · 19 answers · asked by Tessa 3

State cop: License and registration please
Man: I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?
State cop: I clocked you on radar doing 75mph.
Man: There must be some mistake, I was only going 65.
Wife: Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!
State cop: I'm also citing you for having a tail light out.
Man: But officer, I wasn't aware it was out.
Wife: Oh Harold, you know its been out for two months.
State cop: I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car.
Wife: Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Listen you dumb cow, shut your mouth!!!
State cop: Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: Only when he's drunk.......

2007-08-04 21:20:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

the one who tells me the best Joke and gives a star will get 10 points

2007-08-04 21:09:42 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man(90kg) was crossing a bridge with two boxes(20kg each) But the bridge can only take 100kg. they have to cross at the same time

2007-08-04 20:39:19 · 5 answers · asked by The guru 2

Traffic Light
A woman driving in Brooklyn stopped her car for a red light. However, when the light turned green again, she just stayed right where she was.

When the light had changed several times and she still hadn't moved, the traffic policeman finally went over to her and inquired politely, "What's the matter, lady, ain't we got no colors you like?"

2007-08-04 18:59:11 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear IT Support

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancé 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These later products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drain my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Any Ideas??

2007-08-04 18:59:01 · 16 answers · asked by maniac 4

2007-08-04 18:22:53 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

help!?

2007-08-04 15:54:20 · 6 answers · asked by DustMonkey 3

He was just here, so I got him- look, I took a photo to prove it!
http://www.its.caltech.edu/~smaranda/Funny%20pictures/Cats/frog%20cat.jpg

2007-08-04 15:51:56 · 12 answers · asked by ♥Pamela♥ 7

What takes right turns all day, yet never completes a circle,
Has a beginning, yet not an end,
and never goes anywhere without its twin.

(I just thunked up this one on my own, hope you like it)

2007-08-04 15:08:38 · 14 answers · asked by spinnaker sniper 2

A man lives a long, good, life and finally passes away. An angel greets him at the pearly gates and shows him around heaven. He stays at an inn with a never ending supply of cool water and good wholesome food. Soon he sees a new arrival with a biq bottle of gin and a gorgeous blonde lady on his arm. He complains to the angel, "I don't understand, I've always led a righteous life and avoided temptation, but I knew this man on earth and he was an unfaithful, drunk, swindler and he gets a beautiful woman and all the alcohol he can drink."
"Not all is as it seems," responds the angel, " the bottle has a hole in it and the blonde doesn't"

2007-08-04 15:07:21 · 8 answers · asked by seadog 5

Whoopi Goldberg was on a plane and the pilot comes on the speaker.."I'm afraid we've lost both engines, and the plane is going down, please take safety precautions" Immediately the passengers start screaming and crying, some start praying. other's get into the crash position... Whoopi takes off her panties spreads her legs and gets into her seat upside down. Joy Behar says "Whoopi, what the hell are you doing? we're about to crash?" Whoopi says "Honey I'm no fool, you know they always look for the BLACK BOX first!"

2007-08-04 14:25:19 · 7 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

This woman is a huge Beatles fan and decides one day to have the face of Paul McCartney and John Lennon tattooed on her inner thighs. The tattoo artist gets to work and puts John on her left thigh and Paul on her right. When she finally gets to see the tattoos she's horrified.
"These don't look anything like the Beatles, I want my money back!" she says.
"Well wait a minute," says the tattoo artist, " let's get a second opinion first."
The lady agrees and the first person they come accross is this drunk sitting on the curb. She goes up to him, lifts up her skirt and asks him if she recognizes who the two tattos are. He looks for a minute, then says, "Well I don't know who those two fellas on either side are, but that one in the middle with the beard and bad breath has to be Willie Nelson!"

2007-08-04 14:10:37 · 17 answers · asked by seadog 5

F B I stand for ... female body inspector

2007-08-04 13:53:23 · 7 answers · asked by slim trim 4

A teacher overheard two of her Italian students in the back of the class.

LUIGI : So you tell me...

MARIO: OK, First, Emma come, then I come, then two a$$es come, then I come again, then two more a$$es come, then I pee twice then I.....

TEACHER: That's enough! I don't care what activities you men are up to but my classroom is not the place to discuss them.

MARIO: I tell you how to spell MISSISSIPPI after school, OK?

2007-08-04 13:25:44 · 13 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

There were three kids Jim jr m, Smila and Jeni R and when the school bell rung their teacher asked them why they were late. The first kid Jim jr M said he was on top of blue berry hill. The second Smila said he was on top of blue berry hill. The teacher asked the third Jeni R why she was late, and whether she too had been on blue berry hill, but she said, "No, I am blue berry hill!"

2007-08-04 13:24:36 · 11 answers · asked by "!" 5

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car
broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix
his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was,
but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about
his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in
front of the same monastery.
The monks gain accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That
night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years
earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks
reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

2007-08-04 12:54:53 · 18 answers · asked by Doc 3

I'm a big class clown and I've done most pranks anyone has thought of so I was hoping you guys had some ideas. (I don't want to here how it's a bad idea or if I'm being immature thank you).

2007-08-04 12:40:29 · 8 answers · asked by deadmanrulz92 1

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

2007-08-04 12:19:15 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Snow White was getting ready to take a bath, the dwarves being little perverts, wanted to peek in on her. They made a beeline for the bathroom after she told them she was not to be disturbed. Happy tried peeking through the keyhole. Dopey said "What do you see?" Happy replied, "Nothing, she put something in the keyhole" Doc suggested they go outside and look through the window. Bashful said "But it's too far up, we won't be able to see" "We can stand on one another shoulders" said Grumpy. "The guy at the top can describe what he sees!" They all get in formation with Happy at the top. "She's taking off her dress!" says Happy, the others say "She's taking off her dress" and so on down the line. "She's naked!" says Happy, "She's naked!" says the others on down the line. Bashful who was the lookout, says "Somebody's COMING!" Somebody's coming.. "Me too!" Me too!" "Me too!"

2007-08-04 12:18:22 · 9 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

2007-08-04 12:15:24 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three young men are taking their final test to enter the Priesthood. Each are given a bell on a piece of string and instructed to tie the ned to their manhood. Once this was done the head Priest opened the door and a beautiful stripper named "Fiona" entered and began a very seductive dance. Not longer after it began Brother Francis began to weaken with her charms...

DING-A-LING-A LING!

The head Priest said "Francis, For Shame! You will NOT enter the Priesthood, I'm sorry now, go hit the showers!"

Fiona continued her seductive dance, and began to strip, and shook her ample breasts and Peter, Peter began to weaken ....

DING-A-LING-A-LING!

The head Priest said "Peter, you have failed, Join Francis in the showers!"

Fiona continued her dance, only Brother Michael remained, by now she was completely naked and giving the dance of her life, not a sound was heard from beneath Michael's robes. The head Priest was beaming. Frustrated Fiona left the room.

2007-08-04 11:55:08 · 18 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

2007-08-04 11:46:23 · 4 answers · asked by blank 3

there were 3 brothers named trouble, manners and shut-up.trouble went missing so manners and shut-up went to the police station.shut-up told manners to wait outside and shut-up walked into the police station.he went up to the officer and said "Sir, i've lost my brother." the officer said "Ok whats ur name?" "shut-up" he said."Excuse Me?" said the officer and again shut-up said "shut-up." the police officer was getting angry and said "Did u leave ur manners outside?" "Yes.as a matter of fact i did." then the officer said "are u looking for trouble?" and shut-up said "Yeah.How'd ya know?"

2007-08-04 11:45:21 · 9 answers · asked by Stephanie </3 3

2007-08-04 11:00:35 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who's there?



Dimension




Dimension who?




Dimension it

2007-08-04 10:56:22 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous