Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Can someone please exaplin this to me. I don't get it :D

2007-08-06 09:20:46 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

a snail in a boat ????
im diong this to help green eyes girl

2007-08-06 09:05:50 · 2 answers · asked by denise m 5

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and
began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife
asked,

"Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? "Your toes look all mangled and
weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had Tolio as a child, " he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off is pants, his bride once again
wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and
deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles, "he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox?"

2007-08-06 08:36:57 · 15 answers · asked by wdh25 2

Young Urban Professional Intelligent Ecologist, 3rd says im a R.U.B you know Rich Urban Biker. They turn to a woman & ask her what are you, she says WIFE you know Wash Iron F*** Etc

2007-08-06 07:35:47 · 17 answers · asked by DINGLE 3

i'm sad

2007-08-06 07:26:14 · 6 answers · asked by FREE HUGS 5

The 3 engineers:
3 automotive engineers take a restroom break during a conference.

The first engineer washes his hands thoroughly using lots of soap and hot water, then meticulously dries them using tons of paper towels. As he finishes he makes a smug remark to the other engineers “At Ford we are very thorough”

The second engineer washes his hands quickly, turning off the water while he lather’s then rinsing quickly. He thoroughly dries his hands using every square inch of one small paper towel. He smugly declares “At Chevrolet we are through AND Efficient.”

The third engineer walks right past them without washing his hands, as he exits the restroom he looks back with a smug comment “At Honda we don’t piss on our hands”

2007-08-06 07:05:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? . . . . . Do you really think they look alike, you ********?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

2007-08-06 06:56:53 · 27 answers · asked by Rainman 4

I am greater than god, more Evil than the Devil
You will die if you eat me, and You'll die if you don't eat me.

What am I?

2007-08-06 06:50:36 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy forgot his lines in a sunday school presentation.
His mother,sitting in the front row to prompt him,gestured and formed the words silently with her lips,but it didn't help.Her son's memory was blank.Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue ''I am the light of the world''.The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud,clear voice said,
''My mother is the light of the world''.....

2007-08-06 06:35:12 · 47 answers · asked by Sana 3

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed in

2007-08-06 06:01:38 · 11 answers · asked by 2cte4u 2

A 5-year-old kid was celebrating Christmas. He was amazed with every present that everyone got. He was so excited that his parents let him open all of theirs too. He finally opened the biggest present which was a massage chair, a gift his grandma gave to his parents. The next week when he was back in school, the kindergarten teacher asked the children to tell about the present that received. The child said, I got a fire truck, mittens, a shirt, and a spider man toy! But mommy and daddy got the coolest present. They got a vibrator, its really fun, you should all try it!

A mother was having a headache, and her son was misbehaving. She got tired of him throwing things around and slamming pots and pans together, so she stopped him and told him one of her "secrets." She told him, "Every time you misbehave, or do something bad, I get another gray hair. So please be quiet and let mommy sleep, okay?" the little boy thought for a moment, and then said "wow, you must've been a really bad girl when you were little. just look at grandma!"

2007-08-06 05:56:21 · 7 answers · asked by blank 3

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom
loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into
a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, the chicken searched and
searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had
gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new
Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off
with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save
his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy,
to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he
managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken
tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward
and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the
horse!

2007-08-06 05:49:34 · 13 answers · asked by nothing 5

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them forever!

2007-08-06 04:03:06 · 9 answers · asked by M v 4

One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

2007-08-06 03:33:51 · 25 answers · asked by Jim 7

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

2007-08-06 03:02:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't know if this has been answered already, but is he also meaner than King Kong, or badder than a junkyard dog?

2007-08-06 02:04:52 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

made me LOL.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thought-fully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

2007-08-06 01:45:56 · 11 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A blind man with his guide dog walked into a bar.

The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around
over his head.

The bartender runs up and asks, "Man, What the heck are you
doing?"

The blind man replies,"Just looking around."

2007-08-06 01:30:49 · 17 answers · asked by surfer_ade_uk 2

2007-08-06 00:53:14 · 3 answers · asked by Effie 2

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention the condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

2007-08-06 00:47:36 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

2007-08-06 00:33:06 · 12 answers · asked by Devil 1

Okay here's the riddle:

"What can't be bought with money, is so easy to lose, and is something everybody on Yahoo! Answers has?"

This riddle is so easy. Can you figure it out?

2007-08-06 00:01:19 · 33 answers · asked by lalala 2

they are both in the same country, but one the time is 7 pm and the other the time is 8pm.
Why

2007-08-05 23:31:58 · 4 answers · asked by jobees 6

What do you do if a blonde chucks a grenade at you???





Pull the pin out and chuck it back!!
-----------------------------

Tickles me lol, i dont know why, but thought id share lol

2007-08-05 21:43:59 · 21 answers · asked by Fader's Girl 6

Whilst watching TV in bed one night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach,

and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time his wife was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why did you stop, darling?" She asked.

"I found the remote!" He whispered

2007-08-05 21:43:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Atom Bomb: An invention made to destroy all inventions.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Father : A banker provided by nature.

2007-08-05 19:41:50 · 8 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 17 success is . having a drivers license. At age 35 success is . having money. At age 50 success is . . having money. At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants






GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

2007-08-05 19:23:14 · 11 answers · asked by takeonelastbreat 2

all but the last are anonymous

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

Midlife — when you decide not to kill yourself because you realize you are going to die anyway.

Having more money does not ensure happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars. But I sure wouldn't mind that 10 million.

A hen is just an egg's way of making another egg.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing!

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.

The man on the top of the mountain didn't fall there.

It's practically impossible to look at a penguin and feel angry.
(they are my favorite animal)

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. — Tom Clancy (1947 –), author (and my hero)

2007-08-05 17:36:48 · 5 answers · asked by spinnaker sniper 2

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Should you ever have plastic surgery from a doctor whose office is full of portraits by Picasso?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Can you yell "Movie!" in a crowded fire station?

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

2007-08-05 17:10:00 · 9 answers · asked by spinnaker sniper 2

Why is it called "rush hour" when your car barely moves?

If a 7-Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If it's a circular drive, how do you get out?

How do "Don't Walk on the Grass" signs get there?

Why does sour cream have a "use by" date?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If we find life on Mars, will it taste like chicken?

When a bug hits your windshield, what determines the color of the spatter?

If it was only a three hour tour, why did Gilligan, the Skipper and everyone else, have all that stuff?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station . . .

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

2007-08-05 17:09:13 · 7 answers · asked by spinnaker sniper 2