heres a package of my favorite jokes! (wait for the additional details)!?

Question

A 5-year-old kid was celebrating Christmas. He was amazed with every present that everyone got. He was so excited that his parents let him open all of theirs too. He finally opened the biggest present which was a massage chair, a gift his grandma gave to his parents. The next week when he was back in school, the kindergarten teacher asked the children to tell about the present that received. The child said, I got a fire truck, mittens, a shirt, and a spider man toy! But mommy and daddy got the coolest present. They got a vibrator, its really fun, you should all try it!

A mother was having a headache, and her son was misbehaving. She got tired of him throwing things around and slamming pots and pans together, so she stopped him and told him one of her "secrets." She told him, "Every time you misbehave, or do something bad, I get another gray hair. So please be quiet and let mommy sleep, okay?" the little boy thought for a moment, and then said "wow, you must've been a really bad girl when you were little. just look at grandma!"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned of

don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all.

They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.

They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. It's cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for Bush because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came o

of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American Dachshund, but when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of his dog. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief.

"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," said Bush.

"We had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

What is the meaning of divorce?

Ah, yes, "Divorce", from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.


Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"


"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."


"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."


The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"


"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.

Haha mary poppins style!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him...what?

"A super callused fragile mystic hexed by

hexed by halitosis!"

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE

THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink

. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read --

"Thoap!"

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man

nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last
minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be
good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one
he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moment

After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye

seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Answer 1

amazing thank you so much! xoxoxo

Answer 2

have you ever rather study numerous the added info at here? many circumstances the question replaced into lots greater useful without them. Then too, added info seem as you're answering or afterwards... there have been some circumstances that i've got neglected a factor of the biggest factors or did no longer study them.

Answer 3

LOL I thought that both were funny.

Edit: my favorite was the last one though. I posted my original answer before you post the last joke. Very funny.

Answer 4

What do woman wear on they're ears to attract men ??? ANKLES

Answer 5

Hehhehe they are very funny.

Answer 6

ha ha ha they are nice

Answer 7

those were great! dont have a fav tho...loved em all!! thanks for the laughs!