Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Once upon a time a female braincell happens to end up in a man's head. The cell looks around nervously, but the place appears deserted. "Hellooooooo?" she shouts, but there's no answer. "Is there anyone hereeeeee?"she cries, a little louder. Still no answer.
Now the female brain cell starts to feel scared and yells, "Helloooooooo, is anyone there?" ..... Then she hears a faint voice from far, far away.
"Hello! we're all down here...!"

2007-08-06 13:32:16 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the first night of their honeymoon, they cautiously began to undress in front of each other.
She removed her false teeth and put them in a glass. Then she removed her prosthetic leg and rested it against the wall. And all the while smila watched her intently. Then she removed her bra, which contained false inserts, and took out her glass eye, which she put in a box on the bedside table. Still smila gazed at her longingly. But as she took off her wig, she realised that smila had suddenly stopped undressing.
"What are you waiting for?" piscesburd asked.
"You know what i want, " smila said. " Take it off and throw it over here."

2007-08-06 13:29:55 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The geography of a woman:
Between the ages of 18 and 21 a woman is like Africa - she's half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful.
Between the ages of 21 and 30 a woman is like America - completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 and 40, she's like India - very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 40 and 50, she's like Iraq - She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is not necessary.
Between the ages of 50 and 60, she's like Canada - Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled with a glorious and all-conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania - Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

2007-08-06 13:25:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

just a short, retarded blonde joke i made up...


A blonde and her boyfriend were playing on the computer. A couple hours later the computer froze, so the blonde went upstairs. Ten minutes later, the blonde came back downstairs with a hairdryer, plugged it in to a socket and turned it on. Her boyfriend said what are u doing? The blonde said im trying to unfreeze the computer.

2007-08-06 13:23:36 · 11 answers · asked by jenrz02 2

A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her roommate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Hell-oooo! You need to roll up the windows first !!

2007-08-06 13:15:46 · 13 answers · asked by lilmissdisorganised 6

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

2007-08-06 13:14:18 · 16 answers · asked by lilmissdisorganised 6

I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday," moaned Smila. She already has everything, and she earns more than I do, so she can afford to buy anything she wants."

"Why don't you give her a voucher saying she can have 60 minutes of great s*x, any way she wants" asks his friend Jim.

"Well, I can't think of anything else," says Smila, "So I'll give it a try."

The next day, Smila's back in the bar, looking downhearted.... "I gave her the voucher," he says.

"Did she like it?" asks Jim.

"Oh yes!! She loved it!...She kissed me, thanked me for the best present I'd ever given her, and then she ran out of the door shouting, "I'll be back in an hour!"

2007-08-06 12:55:45 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a red-head. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the the island and the city. The red-head swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette swam 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!

2007-08-06 12:51:57 · 23 answers · asked by soccerchick8 1

An old lady phones the Fire Brigade in the middle of the night....
"Please come at once - a couple of big hairy bikers are outside, trying to climb up to my window."

"Madam, we're the Fire Brigade! - you need to call the police."

"Why???" I thought YOU were the ones with the ladders!"

2007-08-06 12:38:48 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-06 12:31:01 · 23 answers · asked by Chrys 5

A kuola bear went into a strip club to have a private encounter with a stripper, paid her and walked out. Later the kuola looked up the definition of stripper and it said: does stuff for money, the stripper looked up the definition of kuola bear and it said: EATS BUSHES AND LEAVES

2007-08-06 12:27:16 · 29 answers · asked by Nick 1

2007-08-06 12:24:08 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let´s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle´s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has

2007-08-06 12:20:16 · 9 answers · asked by blackfirescorpio05 3

fidget was making her first visit to the gynaecologist and was understandably nervous.
The gynaecologist sensed this.
"you're very nervous, aren't you?" he said
"Yes," she admitted
"Would you like me to numb you down there?"
"Please."
He stuck his head between her legs and went, "Num, num, num.....

2007-08-06 12:15:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 hunters were in the woods and just killed a deer. Two sat down on a log while the 3rd went behind a tree to do his business. The 2 on the log heard the 3rd grunting and grunting and then something hitting the ground. The other 2 ran around the huge tree and saw their friend passed out with his pants by his ankles next to a huge pile of sh**!
They decided to trick him by putting a pile of deer guts on top of the sh**. They went back around the tree and sat down to start a fire. 15 minutes later the 3rd comes around the tree zipping up his pants and shaking his head. The other 2 looked at each other trying not to laugh. "You guys will never guess what happened to me. I sh**ted and sh**ted and finally my guts came out!" The guys bust out laughing rolling around on the ground. Finally, one of them got his bearings and asked him "What did you do?"
He looked indignant and said, "What do you think, you idiot! I did what any normal person would do...I put them back in!"

2007-08-06 12:12:40 · 13 answers · asked by Sybel H 2

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

2007-08-06 12:09:17 · 7 answers · asked by JRDUBIZZLE18 2

three ducks walk into a bar.

the first duck sits down and orders a beer.
the bartender says so bob how was your day?
bob replies oh it was okay, i was in and out of puddles all day.

the second duck sits down and orders a beer.
the bartender says so frank how was your day?
frank replies oh it was okay, i was in and out of puddles all day.

the third duck sits down and orders a beer.
the bartender says so puddles how was your day?
puddles relpies DONT EVEN ASK HOW MY DAY WAS!!!!

2007-08-06 12:07:05 · 4 answers · asked by Christy B 2

A man took his wife to the Temuka Sale yards and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week!. You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her
husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

2007-08-06 12:03:21 · 8 answers · asked by Nola 3

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

2007-08-06 12:02:33 · 8 answers · asked by JRDUBIZZLE18 2

I have run across the term cyber sex a few times
lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it
meant. I figured it had something to do with the
computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on
mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders
on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall
software, install hardware part of the control
panel... then I got out all the manuals and went
through them.

I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is
not equipped with one so I decided to go to the
computer store and see if I could buy one. I wanted to
look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat.

Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather
stern looking woman, I gave her the make and model of
my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in
stock. She kind of scowled at me and asked me if I was
trying to get smart with her... figuring she had been
impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to
be smart with everyone... she said, rather rudely I
thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away.
Huh, must not have had any in stock.

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make
and model of my computer and asked it they had any sex
drives in stock... He kind of snickered and asked if I
meant a hard drive, I thought about it for a minute
and told him Yeah, maybe that, but I think I should
already have one installed... he started laughing at
me said something about me trying to kill him...
You're killing me! or something like that, and walked
away. Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard to
keep in stock. I wasn't trying to kill him... I
wasn't even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd
just fallen off the turnip truck... I assured him I'd
never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the
manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something about
that explaining it. She's fallen off the wagon, that
explains it and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like boob
under his breath and walked away... wonder why he only
noticed one? Anyway I figured they must not carry them
in stores. Maybe have to order from a catalog or get
on the Internet and search for one.

So that's where I am now... If any of you have some
computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive,
I would appreciate it. Then all I'd have to do is
figure out what to do with it.

2007-08-06 12:02:02 · 9 answers · asked by "!" 5

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

2007-08-06 11:59:36 · 16 answers · asked by "!" 5

Cos his wife left him

2007-08-06 11:23:12 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-06 11:15:31 · 9 answers · asked by seyianoi 1

I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting; nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality, counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications' incomprehensibleness.

2007-08-06 11:06:12 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-06 11:04:34 · 9 answers · asked by ♥I LOVE DILLON♥ 1

The only friction in their marriage was her husband's habit of f*rting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

Then one thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, giz! zards, liver and all.

The spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

2007-08-06 10:17:36 · 25 answers · asked by ? 5

I'll let the YA community pick the best answer.
Make me laugh and get my vote.

2007-08-06 09:53:07 · 3 answers · asked by Morty Smith C137 7

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.
Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said quietly.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."
But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand, squeezed it and sobbingly told her, "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he cried uncontrollably. "Why else would I poison you?"

2007-08-06 09:35:33 · 30 answers · asked by "!" 5

Here we go.

The numbers are all airline prefix codes.

049
147
058
157
406
104
235

7 codes for seven airlines. The first letters of each airline spells a 7 letter word.

It's been driving me nutty for the last 24 hours.

Oh and I hear that the first airline doesn't begin with a C.

Fresh brain on this would really help me out.


Cheers for any input

2007-08-06 09:31:57 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://i180.photobucket.com/albums/x40/Mike_F_620/PresidentBushgrowingup.gif?t=1186431540

LOL, please, by all means, SHARE THIS!

2007-08-06 09:21:02 · 1 answers · asked by Michael F 3