Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

2007-08-05 07:44:18 · 14 answers · asked by takeonelastbreat 2

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the -*word to bad to show* edited: - effing potatoes!"

2007-08-05 07:36:48 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

first-oe day a teacher was study testing the kids in her class with a bowl of lifesavers they replied red cherry,yellow lemon,green lime,orange orange,finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers and then asked them wat flavor theses are and she said let me give a clue your mom calls your dad sometimes one little girl answers OH MY GOD !!!THERE ASSHOLES!

a mother and her young son returned from grocery shopping and the boy opens the bag of animal crackers and spreads them all on the floor the mom asks her son wat r u doing the son answers the box says not to eat if seal is broken and i am looking for the seals

a mother was preparing pancake for her sons kevin 8 and ryan 3 the boys begin to argue about who gets the first pancake,thier mother saw a opportunity for a moral lesson and she says boys if jesus was sitting here he would say let my brother have the first pancake i can wait then kevin turns to ryan and says ryan you be jesus.

more in details

2007-08-05 07:31:50 · 16 answers · asked by ? 3

I ask this, because I love jokes, but people always say, "I'd never think you were the TYPE who'd like jokes."

I don't know what this MEANS. Like, what type does it take? What's not to like about jokes? Are joke lovers and joke tellers DIFFERENT or something?

Do people say this to those of you who also like jokes? Why?

2007-08-05 07:30:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

2007-08-05 07:28:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

just want to see if any one knows.

2007-08-05 07:26:43 · 6 answers · asked by K-diesal 3

2007-08-05 07:25:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

my name has no vowels BAR 1,
3 is a nice number, especially in tennis terms
if i had 2 4get something, it would B 2 painful 2 ever remember it again
now the hard part,
take H as 17 and S as 7, this is your key,
DGFR FJYI RHD E ASV E FHTGRBD FHTIE
AND IF YOU DIDNT GET MY NAME ITS
483927500 453667
AND FOR THE TRULY INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGED MY MOBILE IS
BDH EJRUFHD
Final clue: mirror mirror

near the end of this it says my mobile is... the B is 0 and the D is an 8

2007-08-05 07:20:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't care If it is not ligit

2007-08-05 07:15:31 · 3 answers · asked by zer 2

THEY BOTH GET THEIR SANDWICHES OUT AND ONE BUILDER SAYS"NOT CHEESE AND TOMATOE AGAIN"
SOTHE OTHER ONE SAYS"TRY ONE OF MINE"
"THESE ARE NICE" HE SAYS "WHAT ARE THEY"
"CRAB PASTE"
"COR WHERE DYA GET THAT FROM?"
"BOOTS THE CHEMIST"!!!!!!!!!!
(THINK ABOUT IT)

2007-08-05 07:14:58 · 16 answers · asked by ottenham dave 1

who is gonna watch this movie?

2007-08-05 07:08:42 · 13 answers · asked by crazyLove 2

http://cozay.com

2007-08-05 07:08:26 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
This confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.

2007-08-05 06:59:12 · 10 answers · asked by dont_know_4_sure 2

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars:

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.

2007-08-05 06:54:54 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

2007-08-05 06:53:33 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a question my son has been asking me but i don't know the answer please could i know

2007-08-05 06:44:08 · 37 answers · asked by jeepdestroy 2

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A:32CF: Incompetent User.

2007-08-05 06:36:21 · 5 answers · asked by manish_wolfyfox 5

A man goes to see his doctor with a memory problem.

The doctor tells the patient, "OK, tell me the problem."

The patient replies, "Doc, I'm having a serious memory problem. I can't remember hardly anything that happened yesterday and sometimes I can't even remember what happened 5 minutes ago.

The doctor asks, "How long have you been having this problem?"

The patient asks, "What problem?"

2007-08-05 06:27:03 · 15 answers · asked by Romeo 7

A man and a woman were dating.

She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.

For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get hlep,

2007-08-05 06:01:38 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

This elderly couple was sitting in their rocking chairs on the
porch of their home, in the country, and One Evening Grandpa
asked Granny, if she'd like to go in the house, and have a
"party", so they went in the house, to the bedroom and "done
their thing", and How do you suppose Grandpa felt the next
evening, for he again said, "Wife, let's go have a Party", so
again they went to the bedroom and "did their thing''...and
sure enough the next evening...Grandpa was ''ready for another Party"...but as they Rocked Away, in their Rocking
Chair, Grandma looked all ''tuckered out", and when Grandpa
said the words, about having another Party...she replied...
"But, Honey, WE DONE BEEN TO TWO AND AIN'T NO-
BODY COME YET !!" This is just Too Funny...speaking...

2007-08-05 05:38:47 · 5 answers · asked by Too Funny 3

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

2007-08-05 05:26:33 · 25 answers · asked by "!" 5

The bus inspector was watching as the number 7 bus stopped outside the mall. A little old lady motioned to the bus driver. She grabbed her left breast and nodded, in response the bus driver grabbed his crotch and shook his head, then the old lady nodded and grabbed her butt and then waved. The inspector ran over to the bus driver and said "You're on report! I saw those obscene gestures you were making to that sweet old lady" The bus driver stammered "But you don't understand, I was responding to her!" The inspector said, "Look I don't care if she made obscene gestures at you first, you're on report!" The driver said "Look, the old lady is deaf, she asked me if my bus goes to the dairy, and I said no ma'am it goes to the ball park, and she said "Oh sh*t, I'm on the wrong bus!".

2007-08-05 05:25:46 · 6 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

The young couple Mykla and Jim jr m holding hands in the Barry Island nudist camp. "When I tell you I love you," Jim jr asked, "why do you always lower your eyes?"
"To see if it's true," Mykla answered shyly.
holding hands in the Barry Island nudist camp. "When I tell you I love you," Jim jr asked, "why do you always lower your eyes?"
"To see if it's true," Mykla answered shyly.

2007-08-05 03:58:44 · 10 answers · asked by "!" 5

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

2007-08-05 03:47:18 · 28 answers · asked by freakokalam 2

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter: "what are you doing naked?" The daughter responds:"This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her: "what are you doing naked, woman?"

She responds: "This is the dress of love."

And he said to her: "Well, go iron it."

2007-08-05 03:22:26 · 26 answers · asked by "!" 5

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

2007-08-05 03:20:46 · 22 answers · asked by "!" 5

"Doctor Im having problems with s*x. i think my privates are too small."
The doctor asked him what he drinks when he goes to the pub.
"Er, lager," he replied, bemused.
"Ha, thats your problem," said the doctor. "Lager shrinks things. You should try drinking guinness instead -that makes things grow."
Two months later, Jim jr returned to the doctors with a big smile on his face. He shook the doctor warmly by the hand and thanked him.
"I take it you now drink guinness?" said the doctor.
"No," replied Jim jr, "But i've got the wife Myklia on lager."

2007-08-05 03:18:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Calamity Jane resolving to surprise her husband Jim Jr M the executive, stopped by his office.

She found him with his secretary Babyblue sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...........and in conclusion, gentleman, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

2007-08-05 02:29:14 · 7 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Jim drove his brand new Mercedes S4 to his favourite sports shop and was going to do some browsing with his favourite assistant that beautiful sporty blonde Myklia. He pulled up outside and parked the car, Myklia saw him arrive and waved to him. He went inside and said hello and said he wanted to do some looking on his own first so he walked round having a gander here and there. A few minutes in Myklia comes running up to him and says "Jim, Jim I just saw somebody drive away in you're brand new car." Jim freaks and asked "Didn't you try to stop him.?" Myklia said "No I did better than that,! I got the number"

2007-08-05 02:17:29 · 11 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

sorry if this is copying any ones but i havent seen it on here yet!!!
ok here goes!!

there are 3 men training up for the army. the first one goes up to the seargent and the sergeant says go blow up a building to pass so the first guy went and blew up a building.he comes back and the sergeant says how many letters are in the alphabet? the guy replys 26. yes ou have got through the sergeant replied. he asked the second one to do this and the second one blew up a building and then he said there are 26 letters in the alphabet. he got through. but the last one blew up a building. the sergeant said how many letters are in the alphabet the guy replied 24. the sergeant went angry and said you thick sh*t how can there be 24??? the guy replied the building i blew up was b and Q!!!!!

2007-08-05 02:09:16 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous