Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

1. Call her the next day.

2. Always laugh at her jokes.

3. Tell her that you can't wait to see her again.

4. Offer her a backrub, without asking for one in return.

5. Call her just to say you were thinking about her.

6. Bring her a teddy bear and chicken soup when she's sick.

7. Write her a poem.

8. Slow dance with her.

9. Bring her flowers for no reason.

10. Send her a letter just to say hello.

11. Always remember your anniversaries and bring her something sweet.

12. Kiss her in the middle of a sentence.

13. Take her for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars.

14. Tell her something about you that no one else knows.

15. Remind her that you still think she's beautiful.

16. Take a bubble bath together.

17. Watch a sappy movie with her.

18. Surprise her with a candle light dinner.

19. Never stop trying to impress her.

20. Tell her you love her

21. Never forget how much she means to you.

22. Carve your and her initials in the tree.

23. Treat her like a witch.

2007-08-31 09:17:52 · 7 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your ***, didn't it?"

2007-08-31 09:15:31 · 12 answers · asked by puma 4

A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office.
"I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!"

"Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?"

"I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore."

"Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too."

"Oh, my God!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"

2007-08-31 09:07:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a

2007-08-31 09:04:04 · 3 answers · asked by Homeless 1

I man was walking the park one afternoon and heard someone crying, He saw this lady there up againist a tree she had no legs and no arms. He went up to her and asked her "whats wrong?" she replied "Well I never been huged by a man before." So the man picked her up and gave her a hug. Then she said "Thank you" and she started crying again, the man asked her " Whats wrong" She said" I never been kissed by a man before." the man picked her up and kissed her. Just as he turn to walk away she started crying again. The man turned around and asked her " Whats the matter?" She said " I never been F*cked by a man before. " So he picked her up and throw her in a pond and yelled "Now your f*cked."

2007-08-31 08:56:29 · 9 answers · asked by amanda h 3

How can you possibly not love the Irish?
"Personal ads" in theDublinNews

Heavy drinker,35, Cork area.Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a
man who loves his pints, cigarettes,Glasgow Celtic Football Club and
starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
------------------------------------------------------
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancée,
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
------------------------------------------------------
Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed
andshirtyafter a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail
purposes, maybe more.
------------------------------------------------------
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in
thearse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady,
with a lovely chest.
------------------------------------------------------
Devil-worshipper,Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering
cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
------------------------------------------------------
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
------------------------------------------------------
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed
supermodel,who owns her own brewery and has an open-minded twin sister

2007-08-31 08:50:02 · 20 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".

2007-08-31 08:47:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"
The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

2. A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

2007-08-31 08:37:52 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

My essay was not very special so I won't write it here. Here was the assignment:

A wallet has been found on the streets of Berlin. The following items are contained in the wallet. For these items, write what you know about the owner. I will be asking you to share your answers in class.

- 10 British one pound note
- 1960 Harvard Graduating Class list
- Two ticket stubs from a recent showing of "Les Miserables"
- A recent wedding announcement
- 4 business cards
- A typed card with the words "A ruler should be like a fox" (quote from Machavelli's The Prince)
- A pressed rose
- 2 subway tickets
- Hotel key from Adlon (luxury hotel)

Some girl in my class wrote pages and pages about the owner of the wallet. Some guy simply wrote the owner had a compulsive disorder and was picking up everything he found in the street.

How would you have answered that essay?

Thanks in advance for your answers!

2007-08-31 08:36:31 · 3 answers · asked by randomdude 3

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

2007-08-31 08:15:52 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A North Carolina redneck passed

away and left his entire estate in

trust for his beloved widow.

However, she can't touch it

until she turns 14.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Folks in Georgia now go to

some movies in groups of

18 or more. They were

told 17 and under are not

admitted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The minimum drinking age in

Tennessee has been raised to

32. It seems they want to keep

alcohol out of the high schools.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw"

are called documentaries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can you tell if a West Virginia

redneck is married? There's dried

tobacco spit on both sides of his

pickup truck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tennessee has a new $3,000,000

State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a

year for a million years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recently, the Governor's Mansion

in Little Rock burned down. In fact,

it took out the whole trailer park.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The best thing to ever come out

of Arkansas is Interstate 40.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(And my very favorite.........)

An Alabama State Trooper stopped a

pickup truck. He asked the driver,

"Got any ID?" The driver said,

"Bout what?"

2007-08-31 08:12:26 · 35 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."

2007-08-31 07:57:44 · 10 answers · asked by puma 4

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
"I didn't ask for any details, " the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"
"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
"Well, " said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

2007-08-31 07:46:39 · 26 answers · asked by "!" 5

A guy walks into the welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter & said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur & bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes & he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips & you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a 2-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "Your bullshiiiiten me!!
The social worker said, "Yeah, well....you started it!"

2007-08-31 06:07:58 · 4 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ."
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the
man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a
piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

2007-08-31 05:01:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then
we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides,
it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says ......... "HEBREWS"

2007-08-31 04:59:35 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Be as sepcific as possible.

2007-08-31 04:53:44 · 20 answers · asked by Runedog 3

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.
Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"
Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the heck is a pinata?"

2007-08-31 04:37:19 · 15 answers · asked by "!" 5

There is this extremely horny guy, skybluecarp, who loves to have sex with everyone except his wife. One day, he is going on a buisness trip, and before he leaves, his wife says, ''I'll leave you if you sleep with anyone on your trip.''
He is driving to his destination, and he sees a sign that says ''Church of Latter-Day Saints Whorehouse -- 10 miles.'' He thinks to himself, ''I'll just ignore it or my wife will leave me.'' There is a sign for it every mile, so he finally breaks down and goes where the sign says to go. He knocks on the door of the whorehouse and a nun comes to the door. The man says, ''Where can I get a whore?''
The nun says, ''I'll need $500 first.'' The man says okay and pays, then asks about his whore again. The nun replies, ''We will need another $100.'' The man pays then asks for his whore again. The nun says ''Okay, see that hallway. Wait for 15 minutes. Go straight, left, straight, right and you'll see a door.''

2007-08-31 04:08:55 · 16 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah (in bible) was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".




Man: Officer! There is bomb in my garden !
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

2007-08-31 04:06:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough.

I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results,

I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.



Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled,

rain poured, and, of course, the power went off...

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated!

How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES.

2007-08-31 04:03:37 · 11 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

2007-08-31 04:02:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

2007-08-31 03:59:37 · 13 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

The following letter was sent to a long time patron of a local Store. After receiving this letter, she vowed that she would NEVER take her husband shopping with her again!!!

Over the past six months, your husband, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against your husband have been compiled and are listed below.


15 Things your husband has done while his spouse is shopping:


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, Code 3 in house wares..... and watched what happened.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.


6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.


8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began to cry and asked “Why can't you people just leave me alone?”


9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.


10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.


11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.


12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.


13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"


14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"


And, last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

2007-08-31 03:34:56 · 8 answers · asked by inhis_image 3

young girl praying:please god et me marry an intelligent man
god replied: thats impossible, because intelligent men don't get married




a good lecture should be like a girl's mini skirt...
long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest!!!!


There were two little boys, 8 and 10 years old, very mischievous and naughty. They were always get into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their city, their sons were probably involved.

They boy's mother heard that a clergyman in city had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning and 10-year-old in the afternoon to see the clergyman .

The clergyman, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide

2007-08-31 03:33:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-31 03:24:37 · 6 answers · asked by inhis_image 3

Three guys knocked on a farmer's door. They asked the farmer, "We noticed you have some milkweed over there. Would you mind if we get some milk?" The farmer said, "that's crazy, you can't get milk from milkweed..." The men replied, "We can, if you let us, we'll bring you some." So the farmer says, "OK, but you are wasting your time." A few hours later, the men return, giving the farmer a gallon of milk.
A few days later, the men return to the farmer's door. They ask, "We noticed you've got some honeysuckle over there. Do you mind if we get some honey?" The farmer says, "That's crazy, you can't get honey from honeysuckle." The men say, "We think we can. If you let us, we'll bring you some." So once again, thinking the men are wasting their time, the farmer agrees. And once again, a few hours later, the men return to give the farmer a jar of honey.
A few weeks later, the men return. "We noticed you have some pussywillows over there..." The farmer says, "Wait, I'm coming with you!"

2007-08-31 03:16:14 · 15 answers · asked by okie3469 2

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

2007-08-31 03:13:55 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fwd: Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!
Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

2007-08-31 03:04:49 · 13 answers · asked by aabigaa2 5

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

"Tennis ball,” the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"

2007-08-31 03:03:47 · 14 answers · asked by tastybits 7