Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.

After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?", Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"

"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

2007-08-31 03:03:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"


"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"


"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"


"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"


"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"


"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."


"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."


"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"


"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

2007-08-31 02:58:13 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ask people what gender they are.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

If you have a glass, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Blow your nose when some one is eating.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "eat away your food " !

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Name your dog "Dog."

Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

2007-08-31 02:50:45 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked: "Is that one word or two words?"

2007-08-31 01:58:53 · 13 answers · asked by Rainman 4

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds ?
Why Is eleven spelt starting with ' E ' ?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

2007-08-31 01:58:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER:

'Stressed' spelled backwards is desserts'


Here's some advice for you: Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

2007-08-31 01:54:19 · 10 answers · asked by Jody W 4

A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "behind
my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she
asked. "an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato
but it shows your thinking." "I've now got something round, a greenish colored
you can eat it." "An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows your
thinking." Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got
something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end."
"Dirty little boy," said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were
thinking," he answered.

2007-08-31 01:42:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Well, one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on a date and as the boy pull in his girlfriends drive-way to let her out she tells him to come over the next night for dinner and meet her parents. The boy agrees and the girl says to him that after dinner they will make love. Well the boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself ,"This will be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go over to her house ill stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms". Well that day went by and they young boy was on his way to the pharmacy , and as he purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean look, the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on. Well, when the boy is at his girlfriends house, her mother asks him to say the blessing before dinner, well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the prayer and his girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you were such a religious person" and the boy says back " I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist".

2007-08-31 01:34:17 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here
believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of
you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40
students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his

2007-08-31 01:19:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ireland has experienced its worst ever air crash after a 2 seater Cessna light aircraft crashed into Dublin cemetary. Rescue workers have so far recovered 847 bodies, and expect the figure to rise as digging for victims continues!

2007-08-31 00:35:29 · 7 answers · asked by Conan 2

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn

2007-08-30 23:58:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at
him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,
but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60
mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of
it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his
anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up,
and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's
up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything
you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"
Additional Details

4 hours ago
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!" (sorry couldn't resist)

2007-08-30 23:57:13 · 6 answers · asked by Conan 2

An Auburn student spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens.
The tale went this way: "There are beautiful maidens who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If you hear them call, 'Woo Woo,' take off your clothes quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a fabulous time!"

Several days later, the headlines in the local newspaper read: "Body of Naked Auburn Student found in Tunnel, Run Over by Train."

2007-08-30 22:45:41 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, cr*p, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

2007-08-30 22:40:42 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-30 22:05:37 · 12 answers · asked by StingRay 2

a zookeeper says to fred"the gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with her,would you consider it for £500?"Fred replies i will on three conditions.
1)i dont have to kiss her.
2)my girlfriend never gets to know.
3)you give me a couple of weeks to get the money together.

2007-08-30 22:02:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

She grabbed all her equipment and put on her fishing outfit.. She walked out onto the icy surface and found a good spot. She took a knife and made a large circle in the ice with it.
"NO! Not there! You will find no fish!" a booming voice announced out of nowhere. So the blonde moved a few feet away and made another circle. "NO!! Not there either!!" The voice boomed again. The blonde moved a third time, making another circle on the ice.
"I said, NO!! There is no fish there!!" The voice boomed again.
"Is that you, God?" The blonde called out.
"NO!!" The voice boomed. "It's the manager of the ice rink!!"

2007-08-30 21:55:15 · 7 answers · asked by Conan 2

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

2007-08-30 21:53:23 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

# Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
# Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
# Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
# Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
# Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
# Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
# Damm! There go the lights again...
# What's this doing here?
# That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
# Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
# Sterile, schemerle. The floor's clean, right?
# What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
# OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
# This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
# Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
# Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
# Isn't this the guy with the really lousy insurance?

2007-08-30 21:40:31 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

2007-08-30 21:05:54 · 8 answers · asked by gangrekalve k 7

Lady gets washing done at drycleaners, but her undies are still STAINED, so she leaves a note saying 'use more soap on undies'. Dry cleaner leaves note saying 'use more paper on ***'.

2007-08-30 20:16:48 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you call a smart blond? a golden retriever

2007-08-30 19:51:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"
The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

2007-08-30 19:43:14 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

2007-08-30 19:28:17 · 15 answers · asked by skylarks_25 3

What weighs 2000lbs, has 100 breasts and Flys?

2007-08-30 17:56:38 · 6 answers · asked by steve.57343 5

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

2007-08-30 15:34:51 · 16 answers · asked by Victoria 4

ok a burrnette a red head and a blonde just robbed a jewlry store the cops are chasing them they find a barn filled with patato sacks and each hide in one the cops cacth up and kick the burnnetes bag and she says meow meow so they think its a cat next they kick the red heads bag and she says woof woof so they think its a dog and when they get to the blondes bag she says potato potato so shes the one who goes to jail

2007-08-30 15:17:32 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde decides to try horse back riding, even tho she has no experience with it what so ever. She mounts the horse and it quickly springs inot motion. It gallops along and a rythmic pace, but the blonde starts to slip from the saddle, in terror she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck but slides down the horse anyway. The horse gallops along seeming unaware of the slipping rider. Finally giving up on her fail grip, the blonde decides to try jump off of the horse to safty. Unfortunanly her foot gets caught in the stirrup she is now at the mercy of the of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over......

As her head is battered against the ground, she is meer moments away from unconsienseness when to her great fortune, Bobby the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

2007-08-30 15:05:14 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Widow

2007-08-30 15:04:27 · 19 answers · asked by Conan 3

2007-08-30 14:53:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous