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Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

One day a man wakes up next to one of his lady co-workers....confused....he yawns and inhales a deep breath of air and tells her "your hair smells nice" ... after a week of this incident she puts in a sexual complaint against him... During her interview the cheiff inspector asks the women "whats wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?" she replies " helloooo its jeff the fu*k*ng dwarf "!!!!

plz star !!! its abit old but its still funny.. hehe !!thanks!!

2007-08-30 02:53:21 · 24 answers · asked by hunkhunter2k7 2

Good Morning all... : - )

Teacher:"What is your name?".

Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."

Teacher:"When I ask a question in English, answer it in english."

Student:"My name is Sunlight.

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Teacher: What happened in 1869?

Student:Gandhi ji was born.

Teacher :What happened in 1873?

Student:Gandhiji was four years old.

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Question:What is the fullform of maths.

Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students

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Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him
then what virtue would I be showing ?

Student : BROTHERLY LOVE

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Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what

2007-08-30 02:45:21 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

while hes out on the boat he lands the biggest fish he's ever seen
his guide takes one look and says look at the size of that f*ucker
and the priest says my son show some respect i am a man of the cloth
so to cover his outburst the fisherman says no father thats the type of fish it is a f*ucker fish
oh says the priest then you are forgiven
the priest takes the fish back to the church where he sees the bishop and says bishop look at the size of this f*cker
father says the bishop this is a house of god please cease your profanities
no bishop says the priest thats the name of the fish a f*cker fish
oh says the bishop in that case ill clean it up and ask the mother superior to cook it up for tonight as the pope just phoned and hes on his way round for tea
the bishop then takes the fish to the mother superior and says mother superior the popes on his way can you please cook this f*cker
father please your language says the mother superior
don't worry says the bishop its

2007-08-30 02:26:49 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca-Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
Birds Eye Peas Split.
Stanley Tools filed for Chapter 11.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

2007-08-30 02:22:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "Can you j**k off? I have a headache!"

2007-08-30 02:17:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fella goes into his favorite deli where the waiter immediately brings him a bowl of matzoh ball soup. The customer signals the waiter to come back.

"Taste the soup!" he commands.

"Why?" inquires the surprised waiter.

"Taste the soup!" comes the reply.

"Max, you've been coming in here every day for ten years. There's never been anything wrong with the soup."

"Taste the soup!"

"What's wrong, too much salt--not enough salt?"

"Taste the soup!"

"What, the matzo balls aren't fluffy enough for you?"

"TASTE THE SOUP!"

The waiter finally agrees, "All right all right, I'll taste the soup! Where's the spoon?"

"A-HA!" chortles Max.

2007-08-30 01:18:00 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George


TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!


SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.


TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you
to keep yours.


TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

HAROLD:Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.


TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

2007-08-30 01:11:55 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do men chase women when they have no intentiom of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, and don't work half time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you.
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How are men and parking slots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
______________________________

These are just jokes, I have nothing against men. I am married to one.

2007-08-30 01:06:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A man will pay two pounds for a one-pound item he wants.
A woman will pay one pound for a two-pounds item that she doesn't want.

Men always want to be a woman's first love.
Women have a more subtle instinct: They want to be a man's last romance.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. No use in two people remembering the same thing.
It's not true that men prefer foolish women.
Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.

2007-08-30 00:59:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because i need an original idea for a song! All i need is a subject for example: a guy who cannot get a girlfriend.

2007-08-30 00:34:06 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple was sitting in the lounge having tea. When the wife noticed that the husband has been staring at the marriage certificate for a long time. At last wondering she asked, 'honey you've staring at the marriage certificate for a long time, what's the matter?' The husband replied 'I'm checking for the expiry date'

2007-08-30 00:02:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Reverse auction time.
Pick a number bewteen 1-100.
Whoever picks the lowest unique number gets the best answer.

(unique = a number that nobody else has picked.)

Good Luck :)

2007-08-29 23:46:40 · 31 answers · asked by spick&span 4

.. is f**king the cow.
"no tommy, we don't say that word we say suprised instead".
A little while later he came running back in " mummy mummy the bull is suprising all the cows"
"now tommy thats impossible, he can't suprise all of them"
"he can, he's F**king the horse".

2007-08-29 23:24:50 · 12 answers · asked by M1 5

0

Monkey up a tree smoking a massive joint, the small lizard goes by and he asks the monkey "hey monkey what are you doing up there" the monkey replies "smoking this joint why don't you join me? the lizard makes his way up the tree and sits beside him they pass the joint about and they are both high as kites the lizard says " i am parched i will need to go for a drink in the river" the monkey says "be carefull you dont fall in" so the lizard goes down the tree and is drinking from the river but being so high he falls in. a crocodile see this and swims over to help and put the lizard back on the bank. The croc asks "what has happened to you" the lizard explains about the monkey up the tree with the joint and suggests to the croc to go and see the monkey and ask for a shot. the croc says " i will". The croc gets to the tree and shouts up "hey monkey how are you doing" the monkey looks down with glazed eyes and says "good god how much water did you drink?

2007-08-29 23:17:13 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blind man walks into the pub and sits down with his dog next to him he picks his dog up by its lead and starts spinning him round above his head the landlord asks him what he is doing he replies just looking around

2007-08-29 23:08:05 · 10 answers · asked by joe m 1

A bouncer comes in the pub wif a expensive watch ever. He sits down and a waitress came over and asked wt he would like he sed a meat and potatoe pie. Then a magic man askes him 2 come up and he says give me ur watch he gives him the watch n the man smashes it up he goes go sit bk down n the bouncers like wt bout ma watch the man goes go sit bk down he sits bk down n the waitress brings his meat n potatoe pie over what was init ???




































Meat and potatoe

if no 1 got it its basically makin u think the watch wud be in the pie x.x

2007-08-29 22:07:42 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"F*ck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse **** all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse **** from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

2007-08-29 21:59:16 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St.Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that"

2007-08-29 21:50:57 · 5 answers · asked by Conan 2

a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

2007-08-29 21:49:33 · 5 answers · asked by Conan 2

12

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

2007-08-29 21:16:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating
every aspect of American life with the introduction of
Contraceptive 98, a suite of applications designed for users who
engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and
plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it
substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement
market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for
virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the
non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom 98,
DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton
Utilities).

A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the
package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions.
Contraceptive 98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for
professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98
Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the
housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive 98 does not address non-traditional
copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the
package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for
minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product
installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements.
After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the
user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the
session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets
the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."

DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major
concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the
most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs,
but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be
installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION

Contraceptive 98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it
is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far
superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of
the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as
Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard
Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive 98s
potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will
help users do to each other what we've been doing to our
customers for years."

2007-08-29 20:56:38 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened dead frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said "No!" He said, "But I heard all the men talking about having to get shots at the doctor's after being with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie on the table with Mum and HE will catch the disease, and that's good!"

"Why?" asked the Madam

'COS HE'S THE B**TARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!

2007-08-29 20:49:37 · 18 answers · asked by sibund 2

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the
entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma Complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

2007-08-29 19:59:45 · 11 answers · asked by RobinRedBear 3

1. As I was going to St Ives,
I met a man with seven wives,
Each wife had seven sacks,
Each sack had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits
Kits, cats, sacks, wives
How many were going to St Ives?

2. What is the worst vegetable to have on a ship?

3. What is it that you never want to have, but if you get it, you don't want to lose it?

4. What comes twice in a week, once in a year, but never in a day?

5. What kind of nut has no shell?


**Some are old, some are easy. Maybe some will stump you. First one to get the most right answers (fairly) gets the points. Will post answers with best answer. Star if you like. Hope you enjoy and Good luck!

2007-08-29 19:21:07 · 11 answers · asked by Ann 5

You can hear like an ocean or an earthquake sound?

2007-08-29 18:21:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

This old man is jogging around the park. He jogs up to some men playing cards. "I bet you can't guess how old I am" the old man said. "We don't care how old you are.Just get away from us" The old man jogs over to another group of men playing checkers. He jogs around their table asking the men to guess how old he was. "We don't want to guess how old you are leave us alone" The old man said"I'm 95 that's how old I am 95. The old man jogs off and comes to a group of old ladies playing Bingo. He jogs around their table taunting them to guess his age. "I bet you can't guess how old I am" He asks. One of the old ladies mad about his interrupting the game says "I will try and guess your age" The old man jogs over to the old lady. The old lady unzips his pants and reaches in and feels around a few seconds. "Your 95 years old." The old man couldn't believe it. "How could you guess my age by feeling my private parts" I heard you tell the men over there how old you were.

2007-08-29 17:15:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-29 16:57:44 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman answers her front door. There is a bum at the door. "Could you give me some food" he asked. "Certainly not". She replied, closing the door. The bum rings the doorbell again. "What is it" asked the woman. "How about a beer" He asked. The woman slams the door. The bum rings the bell again. "Okay. I'll take a soda". She tells him to get away from her house. She sees him walk away. But the bum sneaks around to the back door and knocks on the door.When the woman answers and sees it's the bum She yells what do you want? The bum says "I wanted to tell you that there's a real b**ch of a woman answering your front door".

2007-08-29 16:34:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.elftown.com/wiki.html?name=Pauly%20the%20Anthro-Dragon

2007-08-29 16:15:39 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

fedest.com, questions and answers