Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British and American government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement. Consequently, they have adopted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as European English (Euro for short). In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c.”

Sertainly sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard “c” will be replased with “k.” Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replased by “f.” This will make words like “fotograf” 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will encourage the removal of double leters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful and they woud go. By the fourth year peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v.” During ze fifz yer, ze unesasary “o” kan be droped from vords containing “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinatins of leters.

Und after ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vonted in ze first plas.

2007-08-28 04:08:23 · 23 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

2007-08-28 02:05:04 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

My girls friend said I was, laughing ,kids say the funniest things

2007-08-28 01:55:31 · 10 answers · asked by Flowers 7

Once two robbers went to rob a bank.
They forgot to take their armour(guns,knife,etc) with them.
Then also, they sucessfully robbed the bank.
The reporters came to know that when the robbers asked for money to the General manager he gave all the money to them saying that"I trust you,no need to worry,show me your guns tomorrow."!

2007-08-28 01:34:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Santa singh: Can u spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?

Banta singh: Post office

2007-08-28 01:27:29 · 25 answers · asked by World Vision 4

Got this from an American friend.....

A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for
speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in
general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel
uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was
doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?" The
trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what
they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a
moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ***?" "No, sir,"the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call
y'all a horse's ***."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the
ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to
fool them flies though"

2007-08-28 01:25:50 · 13 answers · asked by Knownow't 7

* A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.*

*"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I
can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running
her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
*
*"Tell him," she whispered,
*
*"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the
ladies room."

2007-08-28 00:56:39 · 8 answers · asked by *mommy to 3 boys* 4

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

2007-08-28 00:26:15 · 1 answers · asked by *mommy to 3 boys* 4

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......"Screw the preacher!"

2007-08-27 21:08:16 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses."

2007-08-27 21:05:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and farts.

At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping WalMart."

2007-08-27 21:01:20 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

.... An old lady dies and goes to Heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that" says St. Peter "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God" says the old lady "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry" says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this" says the old lady, "I'm going to Hell."

"You can't go there" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken advantage of".

"Maybe so" says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that!"

2007-08-27 19:57:19 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Honesty ♥.•´ `*.¸ ♥ 7

Bill Clinton, George Bush and Richard Nixon went to the land of Oz.
They asked to see the Wizard of Oz. A guard took them to see the Wizard.
"What can I do for you" asked the Wizard. Richard Nixon said he would like a heart.
Then the Wizard asked George Bush "what can I do for you" George Bush asked for a brain.
What can I do for you Mr. Clinton. Bill Clinton said " Where can I find Dorothy"

2007-08-27 18:43:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Patrick had been working at the office for 2 years now. Everyday he would enter the workplace, welcomed by the same beautiful receptionist. One day he gathered all courage. He walked up and stand next to her, took a deep breathe and said 'Your hair smells nice'.
After work, she went straight to the manager , explain everything to the manager and she said ' i want to sue Patrick for Sexual Harassment. The Manager asked 'why would you want sue a colleague for complimenting you'. she answered ' He is a Midget'

2007-08-27 18:16:36 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Moses and Jesus were playing golf. Moses selected a 5 iron and teed off. The ball went in the lake. Jesus said, Tiger Woods would use this, selecting his club. Thats a 5 iron protested Moses. That's what I used, and the ball ended up in the lake. You should use a 4 iron. Jesus replied, not Tiger Woods. He swung hard, and his ball also ended up in the lake.

Jesus walked on the water, looking for the ball. A man passing by noticed this and said, who does he think he is, Jesus Christ? No replied Moses. He thinks he's Tiger Woods.

2007-08-27 17:04:48 · 11 answers · asked by Kevin H 7

=)

2007-08-27 16:52:33 · 5 answers · asked by dtsairman 3

An elderly man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. “I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form.” “You can do it”, the lawyer said, “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?” “That’s my business! Get me the form!”

Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?” In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: “One less Democrat”.

2007-08-27 16:04:49 · 24 answers · asked by a bush family member 7

What's the difference between
A girlfriend and wife?


45 lbs

What's the difference between
A boyfriend and husband?


45 minutes

2007-08-27 14:23:15 · 15 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn’t matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn’t matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. “Don’t worry honey” he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said, “Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby” “It is,” he said, “9 pounds and 21 inches long!”

2007-08-27 14:11:11 · 8 answers · asked by *(Fabulous)* 2

there was a black mexican & a white man. these men traveled all across the world until they came across these woods they were so hungry.they soon approached a castle with a yard full of corn. the white man went inside and said "may i have some of your corn.?'' the woman said only if you f*** me. the white man said no thank you & left. he went outside & told the other men what happened. the mexican man went inside & said "may i have some of your corn? she gave him the same response so he left. the black man went inside & said "may i have some of your corn she said only if you have sex with me he said close your eyes. he then grabbed some corn that was lying aside her bed he begin to shove it inside of the woman. he repeatedly did this. after he enterd each corn into the woman he chunked it out the window. after he was done the woman gave him a bg of corn. he went outside & said i got the corn the two other man said its ok we got the delicious buttery corn you threw out the window.

2007-08-27 14:04:57 · 3 answers · asked by *(Fabulous)* 2

The horniest guy in the world is stuck on an island with just a monkey. After a while, he gets so horny he decides to have sex with the monkey. He catches the monkey, tries to have sex with it, but it slips out of his grip and runs away.
He tries again the next day, but the same thing happens.

Then, he sees the hottest girl in the world drowning in the ocean, so he goes and saves her.

She says to him, "I'll do anything to repay you. ANYTHING."

The man says, "Can you help me catch that damn monkey?"

2007-08-27 13:51:24 · 7 answers · asked by *(Fabulous)* 2

If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk





1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.

4. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

7. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.

9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

10. The coffee machine is broken.

11. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

12. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

13. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

14. I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

15. Amen.

2007-08-27 13:39:05 · 19 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Woman goes to the Caribbean on holiday where she meets a black man ,and had mind blowing s.e.x.Afterwards she asked him his name he replies Snow.Hearing his name the woman starts to laugh.Why are you laughing he asked she laughs some more and says my husband would never believe i had 10 inches of snow in the caribbean

2007-08-27 13:27:08 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.

The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."

The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."

The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."

The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

2007-08-27 13:20:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks up to his friend and says:" Hey, can I take your picture real quick?"
"Why?" his friend said.
"Well, my friend from Africa doesn't believe that there are monkeys in America."


A boy calls his friend and says:"CNN reports a wild, savage, musty, monkey on the loose. REWARD: $1 million dollars! C'mon man, where are you? You know I need the money!"

2007-08-27 13:15:39 · 13 answers · asked by I Pity You Fool ! 3

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

2007-08-27 13:10:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

two pretzels were walking down a side walk, one was asalted.

2007-08-27 12:59:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why didn’t Hitler drink Tequila?


It made him mean.

2007-08-27 12:55:15 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"

2007-08-27 12:53:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man walks into a pub with a vase on his head. He sits down at the bar and stares into space. After 5 minutes the bar man asks "Whats up, you want a pint or not?", to which the man replys "Sorry but I am a auctioneer and I have a lot on my mind".

What is a ghost's favourite airline?
British Scareways!

Why cant a car play football?

its only got one boot!

Whats brown & sticky?

A stick.

2007-08-27 12:50:34 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous