Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

If you are under the age of 13 you should not read this, and if you do, you should not repost this.

Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid.

It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it.

You're a 90's kid if:

You can finish this [ice ice _ _ _ _ ]

You remember watching: -Doug -Ren & Stimpy -Pinky and the Brain -AAAAAAAH Real Monsters! -Rockos modern Life. -Cow & Chicken

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin west philidelphia born and raised . . ."

You remember: -TGIF -Step by Step -Family Matters -Dinosaurs -Boy Meets World.

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not

when everyhting was settled by: -rock paper scissors or -bubble gum bubble gum in a dish or -daddy had a donkey inky binky bonky. Inka binka bottle of ink

when cops and robbers was a daily activity.

Having a pool in your backyard was a rare comodity

when we played Hide and go seek until our legs grew numb.

when we used to obey our parents

You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time.

"Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" was both a game and a TV game show.

Captain Planet. He's our Hero.

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together.

You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular. and all the good games are 2d

You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.

You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3 . . . and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"

You remember watching: -The Magic School Bus -Wishbone -Reading Rainbow on PBS.

You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.

and board games were chutes and ladders,candy land. back off buzzard, dont wake daddy and guess who

You remember those Where's Waldo books.

You remember eating Warheads.

You remember watching: -the 1st Batman -Aladdin -Ninja Turtles -3 Ninjas movies.

You remember Ring Pops.

You remember the need to own an adidas jacket and clompy skate shoes.

You remember drinking Surge, and Tang.

Oh, oh, oh! and JOSTA!!!

If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"

and you knew what to do when someone held out their fist and said "give me bumps"

When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza AND tacos.

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.

Making those little paper cootie catcher things, and then predicting your life with them.

You played and/or collected "Pogs" :)

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.

. . . Furbies (yes, we hated them THEN, too).

light brights

You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.

And Windows 95 was the best.

You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.

Michael Jordan was a king.

YIKES pencils and erasers were the stuff!

All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.

You remember when the new Beanie Babies and Talking Elmo were always sold out.

You collected those Beanie Babies.

Carebears

Gak was the coolest stuff invented.

Lambchop's song never ended.

The old dollar bills.

Silver dollars, which were cool to have.

You remember a time before the WB.

You collected all the Troll dolls

If you even know what an original walkman is.

You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.

You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

You know the Macarena by heart.

"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said

You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"

You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.

You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.

Before the MySpace frenzy . . .

Before the Internet & text messaging . . .

Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .

Before MIKE JONES . . .

Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .

Before Spongebob . . .

Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.

When light up sneakers were cool.

When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded stuff on VCRs.

When the spice girls were cool.

The rise of boybands.

When starwars was still cool

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off of our walkman.

When checking out drawing books and that one book about the rainbow fish from the library was THE cool thing to do.

You had slap braclets!

Way back.

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.

Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!

2007-08-26 10:29:28 · 12 answers · asked by Katie B 2

Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A. A love call.

Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A. By the ears. (Lick her)

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room

Q. what do you call azit on a blondes ***
A. brain tumour..

Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room
together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.

Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the
factory?
A. Two test tickles

Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

2007-08-26 10:24:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-26 10:21:37 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

2007-08-26 10:18:27 · 6 answers · asked by keerstin 2

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? `
"Breast-fed ,"she replied. `
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. `
She did. ` He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. `
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk." `
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma,

2007-08-26 10:06:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Finish this , funniest gets best answer

2007-08-26 09:37:40 · 14 answers · asked by LuckY GirL 4

This was recently in the Seattle Paper... The title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview.

Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it,
and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor
approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin." Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Aylor. "I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said.....

"A pumpkin? ..... ****...is it midnight already?"

2007-08-26 09:23:01 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2007-08-26 09:22:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy wins the biggest Lottery prize EVER £100million
Camelot can't pay out £100million in one payment so they say to him, Mr Paddy could we possibly pay you 25million this week and then the same amount for the next 3 weeks..Paddy says I've won £100million and I want £100million right now,
So they say..Mr Paddy would you be willing to accept on payment of £30million this week one payment of £30million next week and a final payment of 4£0million. Paddy says I won a £100million and a want £100million now. Well sys Camelot what about £50million this week and £50million next week. Paddy says this F****^" ridiculous, this service is atrocious just Gimme my f***ing £1 back

2007-08-26 09:16:01 · 12 answers · asked by iowntheavenue 4

The Buttocks
************************
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So, the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheek."

2007-08-26 09:07:54 · 17 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

A woman visiting her doctor’s office suddenly blurts out, “Doctor, kiss me!” The doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.

About 20 minutes later the woman shouts again, “Doctor, please, kiss me just once!” Again he refuses apologetically but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.

Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the exasperated woman pleads with the doctor, “Doctor, doctor, please kiss me just once!”

“Look,” says the doctor. “I am sorry. I just can’t kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be screwing you.”

2007-08-26 09:03:07 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-26 08:58:36 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

I had the worst week ever/ nothing went right.. Could really use a good joke right about now?

2007-08-26 08:40:36 · 10 answers · asked by candy 3

A black blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" The blonde replied,
"The son of a b**ch called back."

2007-08-26 08:25:02 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A panda walks into a bar and orders a packet of crisps. He eats them, then pulls out a gun and shoots the barman. Then he walks out of the bar.

The other barman, confused and shocked, looks up 'panda' in the dictionary and realises what happened.

'Panda - eats shoots and leaves'

2007-08-26 08:15:47 · 29 answers · asked by thatsnotevenaquestion 4

What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time and place, and the middle of forever?

2007-08-26 08:12:44 · 12 answers · asked by It's me again 3

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

2007-08-26 08:11:09 · 14 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Okay,please tell me what you think of these jokes.No rude comments please.Pleae star if you like!

(Stargate Atlantis)
How many McKays does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 (if it's Rodney),but he'll need at least 3 people to yell at while he's doing it!

(Star Wars)
Did you hear what happened to the spoon ?
No,what?
It became one with the forks!

What's the name of the nastiest alligator in the universe?
Darth Gator!

Thanks!
P.S. If you have any sci-fi (or regular) jokes (they have to be clean) please share!

2007-08-26 07:45:50 · 10 answers · asked by Karate Kid 6

Ok. I know I already said this joke a few days, but I wanted more people & different people to see it. =D So...yeah...here goes.

Remeber what I told you about weddings. . .

It has 3 rings:

The engagement ring.

The wedding ring.

And the suffering!

Lol.

2007-08-26 07:36:04 · 18 answers · asked by ? 4

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look too darn tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
You won't cooperate with me,
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray.
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in,
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight,
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise
O, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!!

2007-08-26 06:59:17 · 7 answers · asked by Markiiphobia™ 4

A girl was complaining to her friend that she was constantly being teased about being so dumb.

"Do something to prove them wrong," her friend suggested. "Learn all 50 capitals of the states or something."

The girl thinks this is a great idea, so she locks herself up in a room to study.

The next weekend she goes to a party and says, "I can name the capital of all 50 states."

One person says, "Ok, what's the capital of Montana?"

"I know this, I know this! The capital of Montana is M!"

2007-08-26 06:48:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was driving down the road on her way to Disneyland. Suddenly she saw a sign on one side of the road saying 'Disneyland left'.
So she, disapointed, turned around and went home.

2007-08-26 06:23:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace". Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "MUMMY, MUMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mummy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it Tonight."

2007-08-26 05:13:29 · 29 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

2007-08-26 04:38:20 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

2007-08-26 04:13:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the math professor’s wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:

My dearest wife,

We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you’re reading this, I’m in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I’ll be home before midnight.

Your husband, who will never stop loving you.

When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:

My beloved husband,

You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you’re reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Your loving wife.

P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don’t stay up and wait for me.

2007-08-26 03:20:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

2007-08-26 03:14:50 · 11 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Can anyboby figure out this riddle?:

You are stuck on an island and there are two tribes. 1 tribe always tells the truth, the other tribe always lies. Both tribes look excactly alike. You want to get off this island so you go into the jungle and find a fork in the road and and a tribe member is standing there, one path leads to the city and one leads to more jungle. U don't know which way to go, what do you ask the tribe member? Remember he could be the liar.

2007-08-26 01:45:55 · 19 answers · asked by Kelsey M 3

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, Theres something hes needing
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing...........
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing

2007-08-26 00:20:33 · 6 answers · asked by unity 3

>
>
> It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
> 1. a friend
> 2. a companion
> 3. a lover
> 4. a brother
> 5. a father
> 6. a master
> 7. a chef
> 8. an electrician
> 9. a carpenter
> 10. a plumber
> 11. a mechanic
> 12. a decorator
> 13. a stylist
> 14. a sexologist
> 15. a gynecologist
> 16. a psychologist
> 17. a pest exterminator
> 18. a psychiatrist
> 19. a healer
> 20. a good listener
> 21. an organizer
> 22. a good father
> 23. very clean
> 24. sympathetic
> 25. athletic
> 26. warm
> 27. attentive
> 28. gallant
> 29. intelligent
> 30. funny
> 31. creative
> 32. tender
> 33. strong
> 34. understanding
> 35. tolerant
> 36. prudent
> 37. ambitious
> 38. capable
> 39. courageous
> 40. determined
> 41. true
> 42. dependable
> 43. passionate
> 44. compassionate
>
> WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
>
> 45. give her compliments regularly
> 46. love shopping
> 47. be honest
> 48. be very rich
> 49. not stress her out
> 50. not look at other girls
>
> AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
>
> 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give
> her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of
> space, never worrying about where she goes
>
> IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
>
> 54. Never to forget:
> * birthdays
> * anniversaries
> * arrangements she makes

>
> HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
>
> 1. Show up naked
> 2. Bring food and beer!!!!!! -

2007-08-25 22:11:00 · 15 answers · asked by Conan 2