Need a laugh!?

Question

I had the worst week ever/ nothing went right.. Could really use a good joke right about now?

Answer 1

Judge: Order order!
People: i order 1 ham with chese and 1 choke
Judge : ????
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Father: Jack did you push your brother down the stairs?
Jack: No, i only push him 1 step and he fell down the rest himself.
Father :...
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What you call fish with no eyes?
FSH
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Why is the turtle always get scolded?
BECAUSE he is always late.
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Why did the woman put lipstick on her forehead?
To make-up her mind.
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Why did the woman put her rollerskates on her rocking chair?
She want to rock and roll!
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What is a best way to catch a squirrel?
Act like a nut.
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What did the bird say to the fish?
Nice to eat you.
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What did you give to a sick lemon?
Lemon-aid
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Why cant you tell a joke to a ice berg?
It will crack up.
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How do sheeps get clean?
They baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaath.
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Last joke.
A Woman waiting for her husband worried suddely he came back,
Wife :Finally you are back!
Husband: No this is my front(he turn) Then this is my back(he turn front again)
Wife: One of your workers was caught shopliftting!
Husband: My workers are strong but they NOT superman cannot lift a shop.
Wife: shoplifting means stealing...
Husband : what he steal.
Wife : a pencilsharper...
Husband :-.-''
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a girl was walking to school when a old man called her "hey girl can you climb up this tree and get me the fruit i'll pay u a dollar each". it was pretty early so the girl agreed. this happened for 3 days. on the third day, she went home telling her mom "hey mom this man gave me a dollar for each fruit i plucked". her mom went "are you stupid? he just want to see your underwear!!!!!"

and the girl said....


"phew that's lucky i didn't wear any!!!"
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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process,

the computer advised him that he would now, need to

enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and
figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this

to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his
password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife

what he was entering by stating each letter out
loud as he typed:

P... E... N... I... S.
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the

computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

2 hours ago - Report Abuse

HEARING THE RIP OFF VOICE

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, but he’s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s."

He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told.

When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.

"Now watch," says the voice.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.

The voice says, "F*ck. I missed!"

DRYCLEANER


I went to the drycleaners the other day, and I handed my good shirt to the person behind the counter. I said, "I need this cleaned by tomorrow."

Apparently the cleaner did not hear what I said, so he said, "Come again?"

I laughed and said, "No, it's mustard this time."


BAD COMUNICATTION


A couple are doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, 'Where's the rake?'
She can't hear: She replies by shaking her head
. So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions
She replies by pointing to her eye, points to her left breast, grabs her ***, then points to her crotch.
He runs up stairs and says, 'What?' '
She says, 'I left tit behind the bush.'



BLONDE & A GIRAFFE


A blonde and a giraffe enter a bar. The two sit down and have a few drinks. After a while the giraffe falls on the floor passed out.
The blonde gets up to leave. As she is leaving the bartender says to the blonde "hey you cant leave that lyin there."
The blonde answers "Thats not a lion its a giraffe."



___SHoCkiN DaY___

Okay listen up, There was three boys who could only say one thing, the first one say YEP",YEP",YEP". The other one say "FOLK and KNIFES",
"FOLK and KNIFE", . Last one could say "PLUG IT IN", "PLUG IT IN", "got it" here's where the joke begins
Continue: There was Three boys walk on the same road to school.

When all of a sudden, a cop stop them, HE try to scare them for fun, so he stop them and questions.
He said " you boys ever killed anyone lately." the first one answer. " YEP, YEP", The cop was shock to hear that, So he ask them again "
WITH WHAT " the second one said "FOLK and KNIFES", "FOLK and KNIFES", the cop was surprised,
he think that they're all messing with him so he played along.
He said " LOOK, you boys know you all going be tie up in a electrical chair for admiting a crime".
" Am I Right". the last one said "PLUG IT IN, PLUG IT IN", then everyone stared at the last guy with confusion.
The cop asked again "RIGHT" the first one said "YEP". The cop said good, now you little boy move along now.
Everyone walk away and their own BIZ then the last one turn around and cursing at the cop.
" YOU BEEP.... DO YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID BASTARD I SAID PLUG IT IN YOU SON OF A BEEEEP.
that time the got mad and arested them. He brought them back to the police station.
Put them in a dark place, tied up to a eletrical chair with one light bulb on. That same cop ask them a question through a glass window,
" who sent you guys " they all said YEP, YEP, FOLK AND KNIFES, FOLK AND KNIFES,PLLUG IT IN PLUG IT IN.
he cop got angry and push the button ZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAPPPP. Now he ask the same question again.
They all repeat the same thing and got zap. Over over and over again. 6 hour later,
the mom's of all those boys came and tell the cop that they got SAY -ONE-THING- ONLY ,
it some kind of sickness. The cop let them go, 2 boys remain alive, but the first one turn to ashes,
two mom pick up the two other boys and left. The mom of first boy found a trash can and scoop him up.
Then she left too, when she come home with the trash can, she put it on the table and went back to continue on washing dishes.
Than her husband came home open the door, than
she said how was school.

A WAY TO LET GO !

there were ten blonds and a brunette holding on a rope at the edge of a mountain about to fall down cuz the rope was about to brake.
one had to let go so the brunette starting telling the blonds a touching speach on why she should of let go. the blonds applauded. get it..
hey were holding on the rope, and they applauded?


PENIS JOKE different version

A young boy went to a computer course. The female instructor asked him what password did he want to put for his account.
As the boy wanted to embarass her he said pen*s
The instructor did not say anything and typed the password in and she almost died of laughter of what the computer show



PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH



God's Picture...?

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.


The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."


The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . . "They will in a minute."



A BAD HUSBAND


An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can, and she replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."



A guy dies and he goes to Hell. He is nervous obviously, because he has heard a lot of bad things about this place. The Devil appears before him.

Devil: Welcome to Hell!
Guy: You know, I am kind of nervous, I've heard a lot of bad things. I'm scared...
Devil: It's not so bad! Do you like to eat?
Guy: Yeah, I like to eat...
Devil: Well that's Great! On Mondays you can eat all you want and never get fat because you are in Hell and you are allready dead!
Guy: Hey, that's not so bad!

Devil: Do you like to drink?
Guy: Yeah, I've been known to stop at a bar a lot...
Devil: Well thats great! On Tuesdays you can drink all you want and never get alcohol poisoning because you are in hell and allready dead!
Guy: Hey, this isn't that bad!

Devil: Do you like to smoke?
Guy: Yeah, I do smoke ciggarettes a couple times a day...
Devil: Well that's great! Because on Wednesdays you can smoke all you want and not get cancer because you are in Hell and allready dead!

Guy: Hey that's not bad!

Devil: Do you do drugs?
Guy: Yeah, I have... Not proud of it...
Devil: Well, that's great! On Thursdays you can do any drug you want and never get in trouble or die because you are in Hell and you are allready dead!
Guy: Hey this is great!

Devil: Are you gay?
Guy: No, I'm not gay...
Devil: Oh... Then you aren't going to like Fridays very much.


A BAD HANTER


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down,
I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says:
"OK, now what?"


mexican's last word

There once was a mexican. He was building his house when suddenly it fell on him.
He lasted for about 10 minutes until his last words came out of his mouth which were...." Get off me homes" :D


BACK TO JAIL


A blonde broke out of prison (how she did it, the world may never know).
She is skipping along the road wearing her bright orange jumpsuit, when she gets tired,
she decides to hitchhike. She sticks her middle finger up in the air to the cars passing by,
hoping they'll stop. Nobody does. Finally, a car stops. She is very excited, and runs to the car happily waving her arms in the air.
When she gets on the car, she says "thanks officer!"





GOLF DAY



A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still -

When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Four years ago, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"


THE THERAPIST


~Ok...
so this guy walks into a therapist's office wrapped in cellophane......

~the therapist says.............................


~well ,I can clearly see you're nuts



G.W.BUSH INTERVIEW



There was a man interview George W. Bush .
He was walking with Bush's assistant Jane suk macdick. When all of a sudden he needed to take a piss.
So he ask her where's the restroom. Jane said go outside and pick a bush cause we don't have one here.
The man was on a rush so he didn't hear anything.
In his mind he thought she said Mr. bush is waiting for you in his office go right ahead and do whatcha gotta do.
The man told himself that if he did it then he would have got fired. but he told jane that he can't it no more.
so he did what she told him to do. he ran to bush office and piss on him. Bush said WHY THIS MAN F**K ME UP.
a year later he was living out in the street.

Answer 2

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds
of contests.


God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

hope it cheered you up =]

Answer 3

A funny one and I give you a star. Here is a funny(!!) ghosts chat. Two ghosts met and both chat about how they died. 1st ghost : How u died? 2nd ghost : I died of cold. 1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold? 2nd ghost : Actually, I was accidentally locked in the refrigerator. Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died suffocating. 1st ghost : Wow what a horrible way to die.... 2nd ghost : How about you? How u die? 1st ghost : I died from heart attack. 2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack? 1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone. I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because of all that running,I got a heart attack and died. 2nd ghost : Why you never look for the bastard in the fridge? The bastard was hiding there. We both might be alive now!!

Answer 4

A couple took their son to a nudist colony for the first time. In order for her son not to get a distorted view of body types the mother told her son that women with really large breasts and men with really large penises were the stupidest people. At the beach his mother left to get sandwiches and when she returned she asked the boy what his father was up to. "Well when you were gone Dad talked to some really stupid ladies, Funny thing is the stupider the ladies were the stupider Dad got!

Answer 5

Sorry your week was bad. 2 websites that have a bunch of jokes that I like are:
http://www.ahajokes.com/funny_jokes.html
and
http://naucon.net/misc/humor/index.htm
Enjoy!

Answer 6

Sorry I can't come up with a joke, I did tried to come up with one and couldn't.

Answer 7

A husband is looking for a saw and asks his wife.Have you seen our old saw
Mother-in-law replies from the kitchen.Even if I am a sow, I am not old yet.

Answer 8

Homework
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Answer 9

Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone.

Answer 10

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead! :D