Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the dr. to get a physical. A few days later the dr. saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris & said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot momma & be cheerful."
The dr. said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve-thirty."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor & pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis".

2007-08-24 10:46:19 · 3 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

2007-08-24 10:20:42 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pick up the phone I'm always home, dirty deeds they are done dirt cheap,OHHH! you got guts ,you nuts, phone you back door man!!!And so who sings this one ya'll??

2007-08-24 10:07:55 · 6 answers · asked by nanna 5

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger
turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the
stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger, "How about nuclear power?"

"OK", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

"Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh**?"

2007-08-24 09:26:23 · 5 answers · asked by Roxy 3

How do you make Pickle bread?






You start with Dill Dough

2007-08-24 09:20:55 · 3 answers · asked by workin man 3

sites ???

2007-08-24 09:20:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

of illegal cockfights being held in the area around
Natchitoches (pronounced Nack-a-dish) and sent
their famous detective, Boudreaux, to
investigate.
Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next
morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis rooster
fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de
Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that
out in one night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dem
rooster fights in person.
I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was
entered in one of the fights."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what
about the others?"
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de
Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck.

2007-08-24 09:10:25 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: it's triplets.

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.



2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Ugly: She's a lawyer.



3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.

Ugly: So are you.



4 .. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills.

Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.



5 .. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than your wife.



6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections



7. Good: Your son is dating someone new.

Bad: It's another man.

Ugly: He's your best friend.



8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job

Bad: As a hooker.

Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.

Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

2007-08-24 08:58:09 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the definition of Irish Diplomacy.?


The ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a manner that they'll actually look forward to the trip.

2007-08-24 08:45:32 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.
Instead of buying a
new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the
vestibule. When he
got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew
where he had to sit
and listen to the entiresermon on "The Ten Commandments." After
church, the man met
the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and
told him "I want to
thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal
a hat and after
hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."
Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your
mind?"
Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did.
As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"

2007-08-24 08:40:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy and a doctor went for fishing. The boy is the son of the doctor but the doctor is not the father of the boy. So, who is the doctor to the boy?

2007-08-24 08:34:40 · 36 answers · asked by curious 2

2007-08-24 08:24:53 · 21 answers · asked by MrzSp0ng3b0b 1

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50.

What could I do?









Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his bum, grabbed the 90 bucks, and went home.

2007-08-24 08:21:30 · 21 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

hey.
i have got a photo of 3 boys (age 14) dressed in grass skirts and coconut bras.. for a caribean carnival.. i need a caption to go with this photo.. any ideas.. i am pulling my hair out here trying to think of ideas

thank you

2007-08-24 08:13:28 · 11 answers · asked by jolly_sarah 1

Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

2007-08-24 08:12:55 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times


Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

2007-08-24 07:35:45 · 42 answers · asked by tastybits 7

do you think its funny??


Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.”

2007-08-24 07:33:41 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've never gotten a star before :(

2007-08-24 07:03:30 · 12 answers · asked by whoa 2

what time is it when michael jackson goes to court?








when the big hand touches the little hand. :]
haha

2007-08-24 06:54:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers.

Nicholas Cage, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office oomph of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to
select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Cage, "I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Beethoven has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I’ll play him."

"I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I’d like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says........

"I’ll be Bach."

2007-08-24 06:52:28 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a lot pilots have to take into account when hulling your *** across the sky...

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2007-08-24 06:31:51 · 25 answers · asked by tastybits 7

A mother had 2 boys aged 8 & 10, they were always in trouble and no matter what happened the 2 boys were always invloved. One day a neighbour gave the mother some advice and told her about a local priest who was very good at dealing with naughty children. The mother asked the priest to speak to them and he agreed telling her to send them to him one by one. The 8yr old was to go in the morning and the 10yr old in the afternoon. When the 8yr old turned up at the church the priest took him into a room and sat him in a chair. The priest then shouted "Do you know where god is". The little boy squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. Once again the priest now closer and pointing in the little boys face bellowed "WHERE IS GOD?". The little boy was so scared he ran from the room and didnt stop until he reached his bedroom and hid himself under the duvet. The 10yr old came in and asked "what happened", his brother replied "we are in real trouble now"....."GOD is missing and they think we took him".

2007-08-24 06:28:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I marked the spot
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,

"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

2007-08-24 06:23:39 · 11 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Is that your horse?
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

2007-08-24 06:22:00 · 7 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

2007-08-24 05:44:50 · 8 answers · asked by Cassie 5

.....placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.

.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

.....mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

.....handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

2007-08-24 05:44:41 · 29 answers · asked by tastybits 7

2007-08-24 05:30:32 · 17 answers · asked by Mad 2

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies>
watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

2007-08-24 04:25:38 · 18 answers · asked by **Missy** 3

A Russian astronaut, an American astronaut and a blond were having a chat. The Russian said, we were first in space, the American said, we were first on the moon. The blond said we're going to be first on the sun, the two astronauts said that's impossible, you can't land on the sun, it's too hot, you'll burn. The blond said, "Heeeeelllllo, we're going to go at night!!!

2007-08-24 04:07:21 · 15 answers · asked by McHaggis Scoticus 7

Three women, two younger, & one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm & the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained,"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna & went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows & stared at her.
The older woman finally said....."Well, will you look at that....I'm getting a FAX!!!!!

2007-08-24 04:02:24 · 14 answers · asked by Nancy M 7