Attempts at sex?

Question

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times


Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby


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To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

Answer 1

class..

Answer 2

LMAO women have always been right since the dawn of time thnx 4 posting lol

Answer 3

Excellent!

Answer 4

Most of the woman's list is bogus..
This guy has more issues than not getting sex though.. not coming home 36 times in one year? rashes.. caught in zipper? 15 times in a year? ouch. Burned tongue 9 times and splinter in finger 11 times? No man would pass up sex because of those.. Lost notion after thinking about it? yeah right.

Answer 5

Ha Ha! Funny! 10!

Answer 6

That is so funny, it's taken me 10 minutes to read and the tears are streaming down my face..... nothing to do with the happy pills I took earlier !!!!

Answer 7

Great Joke! I love it! That sounds like most husbands which makes me not ever want to get married! STAR for you!

~Candice~

Answer 8

Oldie but a good one

Answer 9

both of them need a degree in communications

Answer 10

i posted a similar one to this a while back
but yours is way way better & funnier
will print off to take to work
star time (2 if i could)

Answer 11

lol a good one, but i would be too tired after all that reading lol....have a star