Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

2007-08-23 21:37:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the suicidal Blonde.?

Killed her twin sister by mistake.

2007-08-23 21:19:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hannah tells her new husband "You know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about s*x. Can you explain it to me first?"
"Ok sweetheart," said Jim. Putting it simply we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.So what we do is; put the prisoner in the prison."
And then they make love for the first time.
Afterwards Jim is lying face up on the bed smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, Jim darling the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles,"Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time Jim reaches for his cigarettes but Hannah, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile. "Darling, the prisoner is out again!"
Jim rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards he lies back on the bed totally exhausted.
Hannah nudges him again.
Limply turning his head,he shouts at her, "It's not a life sentence,OKAY!"

2007-08-23 21:16:12 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.

2007-08-23 21:14:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a man walked into a dentist's surgery and asked how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Forty quid," the dentist said.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man said. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist said, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to 30 pounds."
Looking annoyed, the man said, "That's still far too expensive!"
"Okay," said the dentist. "If I save on time and simply rip the tooth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to 10 pounds."
"Nope," moaned the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," said the dentist finally, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it using pliers, I suppose I can knock the price down to a fiver."
"Marvelous!" said the man. "Book my wife in for next Tuesday!

2007-08-23 20:50:52 · 5 answers · asked by all are best answers 2

A young boy went to a computer course. The female instructor asked him what password did he want to put for his account. As the boy wanted to embarass her he said pen*s
The instructor did not say anything and typed the password in and she almost died of laughter of what the computer show



PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH

2007-08-23 20:49:09 · 7 answers · asked by all are best answers 2

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the first one, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," she replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the second one. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and he walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the last one. He simply said to him: "Name them."

2007-08-23 20:47:21 · 6 answers · asked by all are best answers 2

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder
yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

2007-08-23 20:36:40 · 24 answers · asked by yesway_noway 2

2007-08-23 19:29:32 · 14 answers · asked by M.R.M. 3

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A day without sunshine is like night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.



42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the

cheese in the trap.



Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

All those who believe in psycho-kinesis. Raise my hand.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.


Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

2007-08-23 19:08:25 · 9 answers · asked by Conan 2

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste
them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - chocolate in hand - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

2007-08-23 17:05:05 · 21 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Considering most riddles posted on here are simple, I thought I'd give you all a really hard one.

A man drives to work. He gets out of his car, goes into work and up a flight of steps, opens a door, reads a headline, turns on a machine, pulls out a gun, and kills himself.

Why did he kill himself? Please be detailed with your answers.

2007-08-23 16:43:51 · 15 answers · asked by Sparkiplasma 4

Do you think this is a good joke? I don't believe it! The hypnotist made himself completely invisible to the participant.

The participant is also completely hypnotisted to believe he is in a police station!

What do you think of the joke? Enjoy yourself. Richard Roundtree is guest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaBCJpa8eYg

2007-08-23 16:00:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.



The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to
approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.



It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the Blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...


"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

2007-08-23 15:45:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-23 15:37:36 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released

2007-08-23 15:29:23 · 14 answers · asked by ALai40 2

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the t*sticles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the t*sticles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

2007-08-23 15:10:29 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

ha ha ----- It's an old Bob Hope joke. Any body remember him? He called John Travolta, Johnny Revolter. ( Get it? because the under-3o's were all revolting) ha ha THEY STILL ARE. HA HA

2007-08-23 15:09:15 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"

"How much?" asked Paddy.

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a c*ndom.

2007-08-23 15:04:26 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!


A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

2007-08-23 14:59:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

you sick sick person. as soon as you saw the words "x rated" you had to click on it hoping to sattisfy your sick mind. you disgust me and you have been caught.

2007-08-23 14:57:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?



Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!



Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.



The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.



My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"



A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

2007-08-23 14:57:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Before the marriage: (Top to bottom)

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don’t even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I’m not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

2007-08-23 14:49:55 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over
immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals
for him to bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard,
which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his
face with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me — I need to speak to him.”
She is running her hands up beyond his beard and
into his hair.

“I’m afraid that I can’t,” breathes the barman,
clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,”
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into
his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him that there is no toilet,
paper in the ladies room.”

2007-08-23 14:47:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed
and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his
friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

2007-08-23 14:42:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sucker.

2007-08-23 14:42:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainte

2007-08-23 14:27:21 · 14 answers · asked by Kaitlynnnnnnnn 3

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left

2007-08-23 14:22:35 · 22 answers · asked by David 6

I realize I hav told a joke like this 1 but here we go

A mother had two boys one 13 and one 11.
One morning, she asked them what they wanted for breakfast.

"I'll having f****ing eggs!," says the 13 year old. WHAM! He flies into the air. Mom picks him up, throws him in a corner so hard that she accidently breaks his arm. She screams,"AND YOU CAN JUST STAY THERE TILL I LET IT ALL OUT!" She goes over to him and spanks his butt. She looks at the 11 year old and says firmly ,"And what do you what for breakfast??!"

"Gee mom. I don't know,"he says cautiously," But I surely aren't having anu f****ing eggs..."

Mom got real mad...

2007-08-23 14:14:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.talk about a huge breast
2.tying the legs together keeps the inside moist
3.its cool whip time
4.if i dont undo my pants,ill burst
5.whew,that was one terrific spread
6.im in the mood for a little dark meat
7.are you ready for seconds yet.
8.its a littledry,do you still want me to eat it
9.just wait your turn,youll get some
10.dont play with your meat
11.just spread the legs open and stuff it in
12.do you think youll be able to handle all these people at once
13.i didnt expect everyone to come at once
14.you still have a little bit on your chin
15.how long will it take after you stick it in
16.youll know it ready when it pops up
17.wow,i didnt think i could handle all of that
18.thats the biggest one ive ever seen
19.how long do i beat it before its ready

2007-08-23 14:00:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous