Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

If you spell out the numbers, starting with "one," how far do you have to go before you see the letter "A?"

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2007-08-23 04:16:19 · 2 answers · asked by Chewie 3

2007-08-23 04:09:44 · 9 answers · asked by trish 5

Note: the answer is between 1 and 9950

The number is a four-digit number, in which all four digits were unique. If you take the largest possible four-digit number that can be made by rearranging the four digits, and you subtract from that the smallest possible four-digit number that can be made by rearranging the four digits, the number you get is original number, but with the digits in reverse order.

2007-08-23 04:07:39 · 12 answers · asked by Lily 1

NAME
Greg Bulmash.
DESIRED POSITION
Reclining. HA! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY
£185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS
1.30-3.30pm, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECIEVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITIONS?
I may already be a winner of the Readers Digest Prize Draw.

DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Actually I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE REST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE
Scorpio with Libra rising.

2007-08-23 03:32:56 · 34 answers · asked by ian h 3

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of them are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

2007-08-23 03:30:28 · 7 answers · asked by ian h 3

1.Little Johnny's teacher and principal were getting tired of his dirty language.So they decided to let him know how it feels to be swore at.

So one day,the principal was standing at the window,outside the classroom,watching.

The teacher shouted "A**HOLE!STAND UP AND READ PARAGRAPH 3!"

Johnny was still looking at his book.

So the teacher tried again,"A**HOLE!I TOLD YOU TO READ PARAGRAPH 3!

Johnny still doesn't answer.

Desperate,the teacher tried one last time."JOHNNY U A**HOLE!STAND UP AND READ PARAGRAPH 3!"

Little Johnny stood up and said...."But Sir!The a**hole is outside!"

He almost got expelled.
(Hope you liked that one,I made it up and I know its not so good)

2.Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender.

All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner scre

2007-08-23 03:29:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks,"What did u learn today ?
The kid replies,"Not enough.I have to go back tomorrow."

2007-08-23 03:15:39 · 42 answers · asked by lovely 2

please star

There are three moms. .

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

2007-08-23 03:12:19 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, "Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do."
"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife. "Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife agreed.
The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old is you husband, anyway?"
"Twenty-five," said the wife.
"And he still believes in genies?"

2007-08-23 03:11:11 · 21 answers · asked by "!" 5

One day a guy walks into a bar and says.......ouch !!! lol... please star
its a old joke but its still funny ...thanks for your time.....do ya get it he walked into a Bar u know a metal one

2007-08-23 03:03:57 · 23 answers · asked by hunkhunter2k7 2

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."

Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"

The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"

2007-08-23 02:55:56 · 6 answers · asked by Perry 4

I am a dark brunette. I made some blond jokes a WHILE ago and some people got offended, so now I guess I'm going to roast myself.

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina
Doing only the breaststroke
The only three women who entered the race were a Brunette
A Redhead and a Blonde

After approximately 14 hours, the Blonde staggered up on the shore
She was declared the fastest breaststroker

About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled declared the second place finisher

Nearly 4 hours after that, the Brunette finally came ashore
And promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race

She replied
"I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser
But I think those two other girls were using their arms"
---------------
Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes
--------------

2007-08-23 02:53:13 · 17 answers · asked by Jessika 2

Little Johnny was playing in the farm yard one morning.

The chickens were out running around, and getting in Little Johnny's way. In a temper tantrum he started running after them and kicking them. His mother caught him kicking the chickens, and said, "That's it! No eggs for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny was playing in the pasture, and soon started chasing the cattle and kicking them with his feet. His mother again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No milk for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen when his father came in from the barn. As he closed the door the barnyard cat slipped into the kitchen. Johnny's father gave the cat a kick back outside.

Little Johnny looked at his mother and said "Are you going to tell him, Mommy, or do you want me to?"

2007-08-23 02:30:28 · 16 answers · asked by puma 4

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going
home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, His wife really got on
his case and stayed on it.

After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer "How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and
said, "That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday
went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little,
out of the corner of his left eye.

2007-08-23 02:29:49 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line.

When it's his turn, the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays awhile. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know, preacher. It's not until next Wednesday in Montgomery."

--------
I loved it--how 'bout you?

2007-08-23 02:26:59 · 5 answers · asked by GreenEyedLilo 7

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

The artist says, "Sure."

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas."

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

2007-08-23 02:20:11 · 12 answers · asked by puma 4

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

2007-08-23 01:40:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

novice nun , pain in her tummy ,doctor callled ::: she"s pregnant he tells the mother superior !! no way ! leave it with me she says:
the doc leaves . now my dear you have only had your mother and father visit you in the last 3 years , is that correct ???
oh yes , ohh and father shaunasy ::: really when did he visit ??
oh lots , at about 8pm , he said he could get me into heaven !!!
heaven how said the mother superior ? well he showed me his key and said if he inserted it into my heaven lock it would happen !!
where did he say your heaven lock was ????
the little bit of me thats growing hairs now !!!
the b-st---d (says the mother superior) he told me that was gabriels horn !!! i"ve been blowing it for the last 10 yrs

2007-08-23 01:35:54 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Dave then asked who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

"Can I borrow your dog?"

"Get in line." replied the man.

2007-08-23 01:22:53 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for those 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

2007-08-23 01:13:51 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A zebra was visiting a farm. "Hi," she said to the rooster. "What do you do here?"

"I make sure everyone gets up on time for a nice early start on the day," he replied.

"How about you?" she asked a cow. "I supply the farmer and his family with fresh milk, so they can make butter and cheese," the cow said.

"And what's your job on the farm?" the zebra asked a stallion. "Get out of those fancy striped pyjamas," he answered, "and I'll show you."

2007-08-23 01:08:30 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus and Satan faced off in the computer. They did every job known to man. They downloaded files, made thesis, typed files, made paperwork in the computer...

Then...

There came rain...

Lightning and thunder...

And brownout...

Then, as power came back, Satan cursed, Jesus sighed.

Jesus began printing his files.

Satan shouted: YOU CHEATED!

Jesus smiles.

Jesus did one thing what Satan didn't do:

JESUS SAVES. ^_^

Star if you like.

2007-08-23 00:28:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Star if you like

2007-08-23 00:15:00 · 4 answers · asked by D and G Gifts Etc 6

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece .
Star if you like

2007-08-23 00:12:56 · 9 answers · asked by D and G Gifts Etc 6

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Star if you like!

2007-08-23 00:04:52 · 4 answers · asked by D and G Gifts Etc 6

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the woman.
The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."
The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun
shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"

2007-08-22 23:17:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be five P."
"Five P?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?"

"Ten P," the barman replied.
"Ten P?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business
down here."

2007-08-22 23:02:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Deep pan crisp and even.

2007-08-22 22:16:21 · 13 answers · asked by elizadushku 6

2007-08-22 22:02:55 · 15 answers · asked by Puppy Zwolle 7

5 women enter a gloomy room. The cobwebs and dust fill the room with a musty smell. The rats scurry away. The mice flee in panic as the great mirror pulsates and an eerie light eminates from it (are you scared shitless yet?)
The first woman steps forward and says Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all?
Ah, your name is Teri Hatcher and I am glad to see that thou hast shed thine garments. A fairer sight I have not seen. But yet, there is one fairer than thee. (she steps back)
The next girl steps forward and says Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all?
Thou art Pamela Anderson and thy turgid nipples atop thine breasts hath stirred many a man. Indeed thou art the fairest but yet, there is one fairer than thee (she steps back).
Then a sweet naked 16 year old steps forward and says Mirror Mirror etc.
Enough, cries the Mirror. How dare you approach the great Oz? (oops wrong film).
Thy name is Judy Garland and thy body ist firm and ripe.

2007-08-22 21:33:27 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous