Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Cowboy is captured by a tribe of Indians and taken to the chief. Chief says "You die in one day but you have one wish"
Cowboy asks "Can I talk to my horse"? Chief says yes and the cowboy walks to the horse and whispers in its ear. The horse runs away and later returns with a beautiful blond.
The cowboy yells to the horse: "you dumb *** I said posse"!

2007-08-22 14:05:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.

Constipated People Don't Give A crap.

Illiterate? Write For Help

I Swear to drunk I'm Not god

"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"

2007-08-22 14:03:28 · 3 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

Now: “After the marriage” read it from bottom to the top

2007-08-22 13:55:41 · 10 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"
The reply was, "Washington DC."
On being asked what the 'DC' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"

2007-08-22 13:39:09 · 9 answers · asked by RobinRedBear 3

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of
the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full
of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money
do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks'
pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from
Domino's.........."

2007-08-22 13:36:52 · 9 answers · asked by RobinRedBear 3

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

2007-08-22 13:29:09 · 22 answers · asked by "!" 5

An old lady went to the Canadian Bank and requested to see the president of that certain branch. So she was led to the president's office, and met the president. She said, "I have a very important deposit to make. It is my life savings and I do not want to lose it." So she lifts a bag, which was filled with $1,000,000. The president accepts. but before he could take the money, she says that if I determine that your balls are square, you will give me 40% interest for every year with and increase of 5% every year after that. The president laughs and accepts. That night, the president was very uncomfortable, checking if his balls were not square. Finally he determines that it was rediculous and went to sleep. The next day, the old lady came back with a lawyer into the president's office. She says that to determine if his balls are really square, she would need to bring an eyewitness to recieve the interest and actually touch his.... u know. So the president pulls his pants down

2007-08-22 13:26:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

When my man came home from work and took off his shoes he had my socks on they had hearts on them and then he told me he didnt relize it until after he got at work ...LOL haha ha

2007-08-22 13:25:29 · 7 answers · asked by R.I.P ANDY ♥ 1

Three people approached St. Peter at his gate.

The first was Pablo Picasso. St. Peter told him to prove that he was Picasso before getting let into heaven. So, Picasso painted a picture, and St. Peter let him in.

The next was George Harrison. St. Peter told him to prove that he was Harrison. So, he sang a song, and St. Peter let him in.

Finally, there was Paris Hilton. St. Peter told her to prove that she was Hilton. Hilton replies, "Why do you ask me to prove that I'm me?"

"Well, Pablo Picasso and George Harrison came and they had to prove they were Picasso and Harrison before entering heaven," St. Peter says.

"Um, what was that? I'm sorry, but I wasn't paying attention," Paris asked. St. Peter let her in.

2007-08-22 12:44:16 · 8 answers · asked by bwing55543 3

Q: What's a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your vasectomy!

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it!

Hope you like them....LOL!!!

2007-08-22 12:34:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

title: polite ways to say to someone who is not so smart.

1. A few clowns short of a circus.



2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.



3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.



4. Dumber than a box of hair.



5. A few peas short of a casserole.



6. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.



7. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.



8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.



9. One taco short of a combination plate.



10. A few feathers short of a whole duck.



11. The cheese slid off his cracker.



12. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.



13. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.



14. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.



15. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel



16. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.



17. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.



18. As smart as bait.



19. Chimney's clogged.



20. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.



21. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.



22. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.



23. Forgot to pay his brain bill.



24. Her sewing machine's out of thread.



25. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.



26. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.



27. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.



28. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.



29. No grain in the silo.



30. Receiver is off the hook.



31. Several nuts short of a full pouch



32. Skylight leaks a little.



33. Slinky's kinked.



34. Surfing in Nebraska.



35. Too much yardage between the goal posts.



36. Big like ox, smart like tractor



37. A few sandwiches short of a picnic.



38. The porch light is on but nobody’s home.



39. Running with one wheel on the ice.



40. A few cards short of a full deck.



41. As smart as a box of rocks.

2007-08-22 12:29:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its like "I make girls brush their hair" and "polar bears turn white"

Can someone tell me exact one? Thx so much 12 pts to first correct answer :]

2007-08-22 12:26:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer will arrive in a day or so.

2007-08-22 12:26:24 · 7 answers · asked by Krayden 6

A woman shopped in a supermarket and purchased six bottles of suppositories, three bottles of prune juice and oral laxatives. The cashier asked the woman if she is constipated. She said she is. I asked her what she would do if all of these purchases didn't work. She said that she will go to a hardware store and purchase three sticks of dynamite and use them as suppositories.

2007-08-22 12:18:47 · 6 answers · asked by Yafooey! 5

Unfortunately,he is now having trouble with squatters !!

2007-08-22 12:17:22 · 27 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

fork in road. one way leads to good place; one way leads to bad place. there are 2 people waiting in at the fork and both know what way is good/bad. Either both people always lie, one lies and on tells truth, or both always tell truth. You do not know which combination it is, but u can ask each person 1 question. what questioins do u ask to find out which path is good.

2007-08-22 12:16:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-22 12:15:16 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

2007-08-22 12:10:47 · 9 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table.

One of them spots a whisk and asks: "What's that?"

The other egg looks puzzled and replies: "Beats me"

2007-08-22 12:09:07 · 6 answers · asked by -x-Enya-x- 2

A lady has just won the lottery so she calls up her husband and says "Honey! pack your stuff you're going on vacation!"
The husband replies "which ones? the summer clothes or winter?"
She says, "Both! you're going to hell, i just won the lottery!"

2007-08-22 11:59:08 · 11 answers · asked by k9pup316 2

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and screws him in the bumm.

The cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and screws him in the bumm

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

2007-08-22 11:48:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks into a library and asks the librarian for a cheeseburger.

The librarian said quietly, " Sorry, but this a library."

The blonde whispered, "Sorry, can I have a cheeseburger?"

2007-08-22 11:42:45 · 6 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was hot, she was nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?"

2007-08-22 11:36:27 · 8 answers · asked by I hate Hillary Clinton 6

There were once 2 old farts that were in the city and were feeling horny. So old fart #1 (let's call him Sam) says to old fart #2 (let's call HIM Bob) "You know what? How about we get ourselves some nice, young hookers to warm us up at night. We ain't getting any younger any way" So they stop at a nearby brothel and ask the Madame for their finest girls for they are "Celebrating their livelihood and their youth". The Madame assures the men that all her women are young and beautiful and that they can go eat while she prepares both their young women. When they men leave (happily and excited), the madame shivers at the thought of her girls touching those 2 old men. So she mentions to a hooker, "I would not DREAM about those men wasting my girls' youth" So the hooker replies "Why not just put inflatable dolls in the rooms they will be sleeping in, they will never know the difference!" That night, the 2 men come back and each go into their rooms. The next morning, both men sit on tne patio

2007-08-22 11:34:19 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ Lil love lady ♥ 6

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that", says St. Peter,
"It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God", says the old lady,
"Now what is happening?"

"Not to worry", says St. Peter,
"She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this", says the old lady,
"I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there", says St. Peter.
"You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so", says the old lady,
"But I've already got the holes drilled for that!"

2007-08-22 11:25:54 · 11 answers · asked by Kirk_84 4

One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk café late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables. The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.

"Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.

"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you send that
other fellow home?"

"Well, I should," said the other. Then, with Gallic logic, he added, "But each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again."

2007-08-22 11:15:50 · 17 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you'd like a divorce."
"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in awhile my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical-looking, occasionally I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"You'd better believe there's a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied.

2007-08-22 11:03:37 · 24 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Brown and Sticky!???







A STICK! =P =D =)




You like!?

2007-08-22 11:01:50 · 20 answers · asked by -x-Enya-x- 2

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Okay old timer, you're outta here."
The old rooster replies, "I may be old but can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what. I'll race you around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance, so just to be fair I'll give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap and is gaining fast. The farmer grabs up his shotgun and blows the young rooster to bits. "Dangit, third gay rooster I bought this month!" he cries.
Moral of the story: Old age and cunning will always overcome youth and stamina.

2007-08-22 10:42:36 · 8 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he said: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

2007-08-22 10:34:44 · 8 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3