Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my guide dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

2007-08-21 23:41:28 · 6 answers · asked by Slimm D 3

St Peter says,' Any part of you that has ever touched the sexual organ of a man must be washed in the Holy water in that room before you can enter'. The first nun washes her hands in the water and enters. The second nun goes into the room and comes back out and enters Heaven.The third nun upon seeing this says. F**k that. Im not drinking that water after her a**e has been in it.

2007-08-21 23:20:27 · 17 answers · asked by duck surprise 2

A man wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in prefect order. So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him.

His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted, "Lady, get your hands off me! I'm married!"

2007-08-21 22:23:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

2007-08-21 22:18:38 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)

Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)

Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)

Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)

Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)

The teacher was asking here students "How many letters are in the alphabet?". A student said "18". The teacher said "Why 18?" The student said "Because ET left in a UFO and was chased by the CIA"

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!

2007-08-21 22:17:09 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

2007-08-21 22:15:28 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn’t a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, “The first one was a girl.”

The mother: “What did you name her?!?”

Brother: “Denise!”

The Mom: “Oh, wow, that’s not bad! What about the second one?”

Brother: “The second one was a boy.”

The Mom: “Oh, and what did you name him?”

Brother: “Denephew.”

2007-08-21 19:32:37 · 9 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

so i heard two jokes i just had to tell someone, so i figured you would be the perfect audience. 1. a dyslexic man walks into a bra. (instead of a man walks into a bar... lol?) 2. yo mommas so stupid she brings a ruler to bed to see how long she sleeps. funny at all?!

2007-08-21 19:25:02 · 12 answers · asked by cadence23 1

Redneck Driver's Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

2007-08-21 17:41:01 · 11 answers · asked by Registered Sex Offender ® 4

Okay....This guy (lets sayy his name is don)goes into a job interview. The interviewer gave the Don an expo marker and white board. The interviewer said can you please represent three with out anywords. So Don drew a tree. Then the interviewer said can you represent 33 without any words. So Don drew a tree, then drew dirt on it. So he said Dirty Tree(33). Then The interviewer asked Don to represent 66. So he drew 2 trees next to each other with dirt on them and said; Dirty Tree, Dirty Tree. (33 and 33= 66) Then he said can You represent 100 without anywords. Then Don left the 2 dirty trees and added a 3rd dirty tree. He also drew 3 dogs, 1 next to each tree. All 3 dogs were pooping a tird. So don said Dirty Tree and a tird, Dirty Tree and a tird, Dirty Tree and a tird. (33 1/3 + 33 1/3 + 33 1/3 = 100!
Lol how stupid is this joke =]

2007-08-21 16:47:19 · 24 answers · asked by Bookie♥ 3

This question has bothered me for a while, for there is evidence pointing both directions. I would like other's opinions on this question, and hopefully end this long debate of mine!

2007-08-21 15:45:09 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

''They called back.''

2007-08-21 15:06:17 · 9 answers · asked by Homeless 1

well it started on the 1st day of highschool and its been hurting since and tomorrow will be the 3rd day.im not nervous at all.and my stomach just has been upset.and i went to the bathroom a couple mins ago and lets just say i was in there for about 8 mins.whats wrong with me am i sick?

2007-08-21 15:05:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''

2007-08-21 14:58:50 · 11 answers · asked by Homeless 1

A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can't take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said: "Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out..."

2007-08-21 14:49:23 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He called the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the house and caught the burglars red-handed.

2007-08-21 14:42:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful
Brian's Roommate, Rachel, was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Rachel,
and this had only made her more Curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react,
she started to wonder if there was more between Brian
and Rachel than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you
Rachel and I are just Roommates."

About a week later, Rachel came to Brian saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle; You don't suppose she took it, do yo u?"

Brian said,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the
house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner.
Love, Brian


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his
mother that Read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Rachel, I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with Rachel. But the fact remains that if
Rachel is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the
gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

2007-08-21 14:20:52 · 12 answers · asked by RobinRedBear 3

Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts,
"Ready . . . Aim . . ."




Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts,
"Ready . . . Aim . . ."




The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did.





The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts,
"Ready . . . Aim . . ."



The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"

2007-08-21 14:13:56 · 64 answers · asked by Anonymous

ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb?


Hey ! let's go ride our bikes!

2007-08-21 14:10:55 · 8 answers · asked by Army mom 5

"We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6, 7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

No it's because your 25.

2007-08-21 14:02:07 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pete and Repeat were in a boat, Pete fell out, who was left?

2007-08-21 13:47:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

(1) "Antlers in the TreeTops" by Who Goosed the Moose
(2) "Creme of the Russian Youth" by Ivan Yackinoff
(3) "Under the Grandstands" by C. Moore Butts
(4) "Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Balls
(5) "Yellow Rivers" by I.P. Daily

There were several others. But... any ideas on a few more?
Thanking you in advance...

2007-08-21 13:15:41 · 7 answers · asked by Nigel8ball 6

what is the difference between a redneck and a pizza?



( pizza can feed a family of four)

2007-08-21 13:12:55 · 6 answers · asked by ? 2

A couple of redneck hunters are out in
The woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing
And his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then
Whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!



The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

2007-08-21 13:03:59 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

2007-08-21 12:54:48 · 12 answers · asked by Rachel T. 2

There was a blonde,a burnette,and a redhead.They were staranded in the desert.They all chose on thing to take with them to survive.The burnette chose water.
"Why'd you choose water?"asked the blonde and redhead.
"Just in case I get thirsty."she answered.The two other girls thought that was a reasonable choice.

The the redhead chose some food.
"Why'd you choose food?"asked the blonde and brunette.
"Just in case I get hungry."she replied.The two girls thought that was a reasonable choice also.

Lastly the blonde ripped off the car door and annonced that was her choice.
Confused the redhead and brunette asked:
"Why the HECK did you bring the door?"
The blonde thought a moment then said:
"Just in case I got hot I could roll the window down."

2007-08-21 12:50:52 · 7 answers · asked by Rachel T. 2

Who is the youngest?

2007-08-21 12:34:43 · 26 answers · asked by Clarence 2

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.

“Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?”

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, “Because it is an ocean of wheat.”

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. “It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.”

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, “If I could swim I would come out there and kick your butt.”

2007-08-21 12:28:48 · 9 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. ‘I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.’

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, ‘I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?’ the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, ‘Why don’t we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!’

2007-08-21 12:24:50 · 8 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'

2007-08-21 12:16:27 · 4 answers · asked by ms.smilez66 2