Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

2007-08-22 10:32:12 · 8 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!"
The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

2007-08-22 10:22:11 · 22 answers · asked by pd6491 2

An elderly lady was concerned about her husband's
hearing. It seemed that every time she would call him,
he wouldn't respond. The lady went to the doctor to ask
his advice.

The doctor said to her: "Wen you go home, tell your
husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you
should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants
for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you
until he responds to your question so you know exactly
how far away he is from you when he finally hears you."

She thought this was a great idea. When she got home,
she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and
yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?"

There was no response. She moved 10 feet closer.

Again she yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?"
No response. She moved another 15 feet closer to where
she was now practically face to face with her husband.

She yelled even louder this time, "HERBERT, what do you
want for dinner?!!"

Herbert yells back at her, "For the THIRD time, I want chicken!!"

2007-08-22 10:05:44 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hillary Clinton had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line.

While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about.

"Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes."

"Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter.

"Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as a fan."

2007-08-22 09:51:02 · 20 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in
one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the
story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a
good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in
ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than
let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still
damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's
helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss,
obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten
minutes."

2007-08-22 09:42:32 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny when he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

A local church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid. Because his price was so low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from al over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffolding to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:
"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"

2007-08-22 09:36:33 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

She dug the plot on Monday, the soil was rich and fine
But she forgot to put the dinner on, so out we went to dine.

She planted roses Tuesday, she says they are a must.
They really were quite lovely, but she forgot to dust.

On Wednesday it was daisies they opened with the sun,
All pinks and whites and yellows, but the laundry wasn't done.

The poppies came on Thursday all bright and cherry red,
I guess she really was engrossed, she never made the bed.

It was violets here on Friday in colours she adores,
It never bothered her at all, the dirt upon our floors.

Saturday I hired a maid, I'd not admit defeat,
She can garden all she wants now and the house will still be neat

It's nearly lunchtime Sunday I cannot find the maid,
Oh I don't believe it. She's out there alongside my wife with her own spade!

2007-08-22 09:36:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two brothers from the third world, smila and skyblue, have a lifelong dream to emigrate to America.
They work hard and save their money.
After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate to New York.
Before they begin building their new lives in America, the decide to see some famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, and others.
Eventually they make their way down to coney Island.
As theystroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: HOT DOGS, with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand.
Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one.
So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another oiece of Americana.
The first brother, skyblue, sets his hotdog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hotdog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up.
Continued:

2007-08-22 09:30:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old Lady In Court
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

2007-08-22 09:23:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

something differant?

English has to be one of the hardest languages to understand. Read the paragraph below and try to understand the meaning.

Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical
structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self
rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

In plain English what does this translate to?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after!

2007-08-22 09:06:16 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

2007-08-22 09:05:22 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."

Adam replied "God, what is a kiss?"

God told Adam and Adam went and took behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?"

God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."

Adam says, "Lord what is caress?"

God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.

A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next."

God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her."

Adam said "Lord, what is make love?"

God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush
















A few seconds later, he came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"

2007-08-22 08:56:40 · 11 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

....just thought I'd ask a funny question to help cheer you up?the answer is kinky is using just a feather and pervertic is using the whole chicken! lol

2007-08-22 08:50:25 · 2 answers · asked by Junior R 1

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

2007-08-22 08:49:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

2007-08-22 08:47:12 · 19 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

2007-08-22 08:33:58 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Drunk Jokes

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

2007-08-22 08:30:13 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

2007-08-22 08:28:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

At A Southern Garage

After our daughter's car wouldn't start, for the 5th time, we asked
our neighbors, northern implants, like us, who to call.

They suggested the local garage and told us to ask for the manager,
Ahmed. An unusual name for the owner of "Rebel Garage", but who were
we to judge. So we called him.

"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who answered
the phone.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I was looking for Ahmed."

"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"

"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" I asked.

"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think down here think I'm
saying, 'I'm Ed.' I figure it's just easier to be Ed."

2007-08-22 08:21:34 · 9 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Think Of a fairly word you can and then think of one have the size of the word!!! example: soccer and run. oh and the word half the size of the word has to fit in the subject of the first word.

2007-08-22 08:21:00 · 19 answers · asked by ?? 2

Mick was showing an American some Irish marrow's and the American said that they had gherkins as big as marrow's. Then Mick showed him some cabbages, the American said that in the States they had brussel sprouts as big as them and that American cabbages are about 3 feet in diameter.

Eventually the American pointed to some old gasometers and asked what they were. Mick replied they are saucepans for cooking American cabbages.

2007-08-22 08:15:28 · 8 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

First with all wins
Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe.How did the pear get inside the bottle?
Only three words in standard English begin with the letters " dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.
There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned
Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feat that start with the letter "S"

Tie breaker : Whats my middle name?

2007-08-22 07:56:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Teaser #!

Four people are on one side of a bridge that they need to cross. It is
dark, there are holes in the bridge surface, and they only have one
flashlight which must travel with them as they cross. To add to their
troubles, the bridge will only support two people at a time.
* Now person #1 can walk cross in 1 minute.

* Person #2 has a limp and can cross in 2 minutes.

* Person #3 has a sprained ankle can cross in 5 minutes.

* Person #4 has a cast on his leg and takes 10 minutes to cross.


No matter how fast a person can cross, he must wait for his companion.
If #1 goes with #2, it takes 2 minutes for them to cross. If number #2
goes with #4, it takes them 10 minutes. The flashlight cannot be thrown,
instead it must be carried and delivered from person to person.



they must cross in 17 minutes before the battery dies. How do they do
it?

Teaser #2

Your job is to measure 45 minutes, if you have only two igniter cords
and matches to light the cords. The two igniter cords have the following
features:

They are twisted from various materials and also different parts can
burn at different speed (e. g. after ten minutes they will not burn at
the same point).
Every cord burns from ignition to the end exactly one hour.
Describe your way of measuring the 45 minutes.

2007-08-22 07:56:10 · 8 answers · asked by Cassbix 1

make up a random answer...keep it clean but make it hilarious

2007-08-22 07:49:01 · 18 answers · asked by ya know 2

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend, She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me and that was my mother-in-law-to-be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, and she sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived she whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. SO before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. So she said, “I’ll go to the bedroom, and if you are up to it, just come and get me.’ I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and instead went to the front door. I opened it and stepped outside the house. Her husband was standing outside and, with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, “We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn’t have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car.

2007-08-22 07:34:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied. The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."
He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."
He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."
She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."

2007-08-22 07:25:26 · 21 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

ask them to say "silk" 10 times fast. then when they get done ask them "what do cows drink"
milk? no its water but they are still thinking silk and it rymes.

2007-08-22 07:11:40 · 6 answers · asked by hilo 2

or girl?

2007-08-22 07:04:44 · 11 answers · asked by SmileeSuzyy 3

2007-08-22 07:02:05 · 7 answers · asked by Tish C 1

I need a somewhat short, somewhat raunchy joke to tell my bf-pls help!!!!!!!!!

2007-08-22 06:57:52 · 9 answers · asked by MEAGAN K 1