Wife Jokes (Mostly old ones)?

Question

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Answer 1

Oldies and goldies and a couple I hadn't heard so star for you.

Say it with flowers. Give her a triffid.

Answer 2

I like this one better: The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were
done,there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife
and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went
into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few
minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

Answer 3

No, there are others that share your view. Even if it is wrong. Don't remember the president addressing the 5 year olds on any subject. Gitmo needs to be closed as the rest of the world sees it as a torture site. Prosecute them if you have sufficient evidence. Don't know of any attorney taking an animal as a client. Where was your objection to spending when Bush was dropping billions a month on an invasion of a foreign country. As far as the health care goes no one said they were going to " nationalize " health care. No one outside of Fox News. A public option is NOT a take over. You can always keep the coverage you have. Just a few points you left out........

Answer 4

Great ones again, especially the electric chair!

Answer 5

omg lmao these are too much
star for you
keep bring the smiles and laughs out

Answer 6

Ha Ha! Funny! 10!

Answer 7

Ha ha judging from this little jokes your wife is one in a million!


:-)))

Answer 8

Oldies but goldies,,,,have a star

Answer 9

trust you to remember all the old ones
starred with fanks

Answer 10

you cant beat the classics lol, have a star