Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants.
'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your t*ts' he says.
"You dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.' The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your a**e and lick it all off' he says. ' You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!' she storms. Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance'' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?' 'I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your f*nny with Stella Artois and then drink every last drop from it'. The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. 'What's up love?' he asks.

2007-08-22 21:31:11 · 17 answers · asked by Louis Junior. 4

what are you going to buy me as a house warming gift??

2007-08-22 21:11:25 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

2007-08-22 20:37:11 · 13 answers · asked by all are best answers 2

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

2007-08-22 20:15:07 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

And what's with the jackdaws show of love for my big sphinx of quartz?

2007-08-22 20:11:44 · 7 answers · asked by tazar 1

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

2007-08-22 20:02:44 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

2007-08-22 19:58:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?" The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

2007-08-22 19:31:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

2007-08-22 19:24:57 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

2007-08-22 18:38:29 · 1 answers · asked by RobinRedBear 3

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

2007-08-22 18:20:36 · 7 answers · asked by Sir $liq Rick 5

2007-08-22 17:49:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

In dian Mating Season

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened
closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothe s and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran int o the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look a t the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....
(Get ready, this will kill ya),











NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

2007-08-22 17:35:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The joke was- How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Put it onstage with a white tiger...what does that mean?

2007-08-22 17:32:36 · 4 answers · asked by shapeuk24 2

there are three types of people in our world.

first you have the winners. these are the people who have worked hard and have made something out of themselves. they are the ones who's names are remembered for many generations.

the second type of person is your second place winner. these people have worked hard and have not wasted their lives. they may not be in the history books but they did have an impact on those around them.

the third type of person are the losers. they are the type of people who would take the time to read this entire stupid post on yahoo answers.

2007-08-22 17:00:15 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

he heard the ref was blowing fowls.....

2007-08-22 16:32:03 · 13 answers · asked by ? 3

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. Even the smallest mistakes are committed to memory.

3. The native language used to communicate with others of their kind is incomprehensible to anyone else.

4. The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you don't know what's wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

2007-08-22 15:44:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. A better model is right around the corner.

3. They look attractive - until you take them home.

4. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

5. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2007-08-22 15:41:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says, "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"

Hugh replies, "Well Bill, you know ... Ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed. She's charging a small fortune."

Bill said with a chuckle, "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?"

So, Hugh gives Bill her number and bill sets up a date.

They meet and after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling, "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."

To which she replies, "Thank you Bill...And now I know how you chose the name... Microsoft."

2007-08-22 15:36:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

answer: both are minus 32.

2007-08-22 15:32:38 · 12 answers · asked by paris 2

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

2007-08-22 15:27:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."

2007-08-22 15:21:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night," the Italian said, "I made love to my wife six times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once!?" the Italian arrogantly snorted while the Frenchman laughed. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"She said, 'I guess we had better stop -- it's time to get up.'"

2007-08-22 15:06:03 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A tramp was walking on the high street, and he saw a sighn outside a jewelrey shop.

He went in took down his trousers and pants bent over and stuck his finger up his a r ce.

The shopkeeper looked in dismay, and approached the tramp and said do you mind sir can you stop that and get out please.

The tramp replied, I wish you would make your bloody mind up the sighn outside say's.

Please come in and pick your ring anytime.

2007-08-22 15:02:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: Microsoft Tech Support
I know I have spoken to him, have you ???





Mujibar was trying to get a job in India

The Personnel Manager said,
"Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence
using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician
at a call centre for computer problems
No doubt you have spoken to him, I have.

2007-08-22 14:56:59 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I

make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's..........".

2007-08-22 14:51:50 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

O,T,T,F,F,S,S,E,N

if you so happen to figure out the pattern tell me how you did and tell me what the next letter is, i will let you know if it is correct :)

2007-08-22 14:50:25 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Teacher: “Johnny, put the word INFATUATION in a sentence”.
Johnny: “A Japanese tourist walks into Pauline Hanson’s fish and chip shop, and asks her `How do you cook your chips?’, so Pauline tells him, `In fat you Asian’”.

2007-08-22 14:18:30 · 6 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US, but now a few women have entered the field.

A man goes to a female urologist for an exam.

The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy obeys and says, "99!!!"

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."

Again, the guy says, "99!"

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you! to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your penis. Now take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy says, "One...two...three... "

2007-08-22 14:10:41 · 5 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

A couple had 3 daughters all about to go out on their first date, The girls apprehensive father insited on greeeting each of the young men at the door. The girls found it amusing their father had hidden his shot gun nearby.

The first yioung man arrived and said "Hi my name's Jo, I've come for Flo, we're going to a show."

There was a second knock at the door. "Hello", said the second young man, "I'm Dave, I've come for Mave and we are going to a rave!"

The third young man arrived anf said "Hi, I'm Chuck........." and the father shot him!

2007-08-22 14:06:33 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous