Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message! , the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy" , whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"ME."

2007-08-23 09:51:48 · 36 answers · asked by "!" 5

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take theWords back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few women who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a ********?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny hadnot asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow-but don't get any....a true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

2007-08-23 09:50:07 · 28 answers · asked by "!" 5

A Polo Mint walks into a bar, orders a drink and starts talking to a Trebor Mint.

The Polo says "You know what, I'm the hardest Mint around, if anyone dared come into this bar and start, I'd knock them out!"

At that point, a Halls Soother walks in and the Polo jumps behind the bar and hides.
The Halls Soother has a pint and leaves, as soon as he walks out the door, the Polo comes out from behind the bar again.

The Trebor says "What was the problem, I thought you were the hardest mint around and wouldn't take stick off of anyone?"

The Polo replies "I am, but that guy is Menthol!"

2007-08-23 09:32:06 · 12 answers · asked by Kirk_84 4

A couple is living in a house together with their cat "Sir Jonothan" . The husband, however, despises the cat and is frustrated by its every smug move and miaau.So one day he decides to catnap " Sir Jonothan" and drop him off, only to return without him. Off he goes drives around the blocks turns lef then right then straight for a couple of miles. drops him off and returns home only to find the cat home before him with a big smile and a middle claw pinted in his direction.This, ofcourse angers the husband. So he catnaps " sir Jonothan" again and drives even further out and dumps the cat.. Again he returns home only to find the cat home before him with two of his middle claws pointed in his direction.This is the last straw with the husband and grabs the cat again. He drives far out, turning right then left then right and so on etc. next minute, the phone rings.

2007-08-23 09:30:03 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $7

2007-08-23 09:28:20 · 17 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

One day there was a 14 year old girl in a nice short skirt. A boy about 16 walked up to her and said, "I bet you can’t climb that tree".
The girl replied, "Oh yes I can, watch".
The girl climbed up the tree and the boy looked up her skirt. When she came down he said, "I like your panties".
The girl got upset and told her mum her mum said, "You silly girl you let him look up your skirt to see your panties".
The next day the girl wore an even shorter skirt the boy said to her again, "I bet you can’t climb that tree", pointing to a taller one.
The girl climbed it and when she came down the boy never said nothing, he just looked very happy.
The girl told her mum again her mum said, "You silly girl you showed him your panties again".
The girl replied, "No I tricked him this time, I didn’t wear any ".

2007-08-23 09:20:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green. And, when I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin’ red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.

2007-08-23 09:18:43 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

2007-08-23 09:12:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My personal favorite.)

13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."<
11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven "

5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

4. "Just how big were those two beers?

3. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Information Center)."

2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours at least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't."

2007-08-23 09:00:49 · 14 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A professor at a university arrived a few minutes early for class. He set his hat on the desk at the front of the room and left to use the restroom, which ended up taking longer than he expected. When he returned to the room 10 minutes late for class he found the room empty. He figured the students must have already shown up and left.

The next day he asked the class where they were. One student replied, “We were all here, but after 10 minutes we assumed you weren’t coming so we left”

The professor responded “But my hat was here on the front table. I had only stepped out to use the restroom. If my hat is here then it counts as me being here.”

The next day he arrived to find an empty room with a hat on every desk.
.

2007-08-23 08:53:37 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

My Husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that matched the color of his eyes - but where can you find a bloodshot tie?

My wife refuses to use Inter Flora for people's birthdays. She says she doesn't think people would like margarine as a present.

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
"Oh, I don't know," she said. "Just give me something with diamonds."
That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

2007-08-23 08:46:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night there was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette all riding together in a convertible. They were driving too fast and went over a gaurd rail, landing in a river. Both the redhead and the brunette made it to the surface. Why didn't the blonde?

2007-08-23 08:35:11 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken under his arm, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its head out - get some air and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!"

2007-08-23 08:24:56 · 19 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

I would like to know. You can share something funny. Good way to make someone all across the world laugh. No one cares. So just say it! lol. To make you already laugh, here is one:

Okay, So one time, I went to a school trip to a barn. And I was with my friends. And when we went to see the VERY VERY SMELLY pigs the "cool kids" said, "Hey, why arent you with your family?" I got sooo mad!!! And then, I farted to loud. And then my shorts fell down! Then they said, "We are not kidding! Why aren't you with those other pigs? Why are you out here!" I got SOO angry, but then...I burped!!! And I forgot about my shorts down and I walked to them to tell them off, then I tripped!!! OMG! SOOO EMBARRESING! Fart, then shorts fall, then burp, then trip over!!

2007-08-23 07:58:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde and Brunette friends are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the Brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, sh!t, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The Blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The Brunette says, "Oh, sure...but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The Blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

2007-08-23 07:44:29 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days!

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?
Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then,
why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish
sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

2007-08-23 07:41:16 · 10 answers · asked by Sweety 3

The Pope has it but he does not use it.
Your father has it but your mother uses it.
Nuns do not need it.
Your lady friend's husband has it and she uses it. What is it?

2007-08-23 07:24:54 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”


Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”


Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.


Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”


The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.


Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”


Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”


Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.


Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”


Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”


George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”


Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”

2007-08-23 07:19:51 · 15 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

There was a dealership ad back in the 80s tha featured some of the members of the jackson 5( not all but 3 of them). The car dealership ad features a salesman wearing a red cape and flying in the air and pointing out his new cars. This commercial was mostly aired on the Detroit channel (CBS..i think)

Do you know the name of that car delearship salesman who was wearing a cape?

Good luck

2007-08-23 07:15:27 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'll post my answer in a little bit, but first what do you think it is.

2007-08-23 07:09:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-23 06:38:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Learning to Cuss

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say ***' and I'll say hell'".

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.

"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."

His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"

"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your *** it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

2007-08-23 06:03:46 · 27 answers · asked by Je:) 2

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid replies, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

2007-08-23 05:56:48 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I went to the men's room and went inside a bathroom cubicle. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other cubicle saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's room but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........... I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

2007-08-23 05:30:50 · 17 answers · asked by R 4

http://s196.photobucket.com/albums/aa239/Droosmom/?action=view¤t=MichaelVick.jpg

2007-08-23 05:29:21 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine
to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if
he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the
roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to
see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side
mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in
through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call
in."


The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very
important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?"
asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This
guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President?" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

2007-08-23 05:23:58 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blonde decides she is fed up with the usual prejudice, so she dyes her hair brown. she's out the next day doing calculus in her head etc., when she comes to a sheep field. she asks the farmer, if i guess the number of sheep in yr field will you give one of them to me? he says sure go ahead, so she says 687. he's amazed and tells her to take her pick. just as she's about to drive off he comes over to the car and asks is that yr natural hair colour? why? she asks,..... just wondering if you'd mind giving me my dog back!

2007-08-23 05:07:39 · 34 answers · asked by nomes 2

Dog Property Rules
1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it's yours.

2007-08-23 04:35:51 · 5 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

If you feed me I'll grow,
If you give me a drink I'll die.
What am I?
10 points to first correct answer.

2007-08-23 04:28:17 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

an inventor go to the patent office with his inventions
1st is a folding bottle, i call this a fottel he says. the patent advisor thinks his invention is a bit silly
then he shows the lady his 2nd invention this is my folding carton i call it a farton. the advisor says we would find that name a bit rude.
inventor turns and says your not going to like my folding bucket then.

2007-08-23 04:22:01 · 25 answers · asked by juju-arlie 2