Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A rope walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. Bartender says, "No."

Rope says, "Why not?"

Bartender says, "Because you're a rope!"

So the rope goes out and tells the first person he sees, "Tie me and rip me up a bit." The mans shrugs and does as he asks.

Rope walks in sits, down, and orders a drink. Bartender refuses. Rope says, "Why not?"

Bartender says, "Because you're a rope!"

Rope says, "I'm a frayed knot."

~*~

A man walks into a bar with a dog and says, "If my dog can talk, give me a free beer." Bartender says, "Ok." because dogs don't talk.

Dog walks to the bar and the bartender says, "How was your day?"

Dog says, "Ruff!"

Bartender shakes his head and trys again, "Who's the best baseball player in the world?"

Dog says, "Ruth!"

Bartender shakes his head again and, since the dog obviously can't talk, kicks the dog and man into the street. The dog turns back and says, "DiMaggio maybe?"

2007-08-23 13:17:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her. She said, "The sky is definately blue!" "I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?" Timmy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definately green." "I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?" Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher do farts have lumps?" The teacher says, "no why?" Johnny says, "Then I definately Sh it my pants!"

2007-08-23 13:16:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walks into a bar with a goose under her arm.
The bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."

And the bartender says, 'Excuse me, I was talking to the goose!'

2007-08-23 13:10:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay, so my little brother, who i have wrote about before, likes to play in the sand. One time he saw this girl who was about 6 years older than him. So she was about twelve, he goes up to her and says "Hey babe, you good,pretty, and sweet, wanna go get some apple juice, and a happy meal?" I couldn't help but laugh.

2007-08-23 13:04:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-23 12:54:50 · 8 answers · asked by max8kay 2

I made a mistake and called the person a KING, when I should have called her a QUEEN. It is my mistake and I will accept any punishment you wish as long as it is non-violent and is like-able to all parties. And why can't you reply to a question you have just asked??????????

2007-08-23 12:43:02 · 8 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

This man and this woman share a bunk bed with their son. The man and woman sleep on the top and the kid sleeps on the bottom. One night when the kid is asleep, the parents climb to their bed. The man says to the woman, "Say ham when you want it harder, say cheese when you want it softer."

All through the night the kid hears, "HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese, HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese!"

When the kid wakes up the next morning, he tells his mother, "Mommy, you got to stop making those ham and cheese sandwiches at night cause I end up getting mayonnaise all over me!"

2007-08-23 12:41:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny has a speech impediment. His father taught to him to always be polite to people.

The first day of school, Johnny gets on the bus, remembering what his father told him, says to the bus driver, "Doog moaning buth driber,"

The bus driver slaps him in the mouth, and sends him to the back of the bus.

This goes on for four days.
Finally, Johnny tells his father the problem, "Fatter you tell me to be pollite, but when I do the buth driber shlaps my in ma faith."

His father says, "Tomorrow I will wait at the bus with you."

The next day, there they are waiting for the bus. When it arrives Johnny’s father says, "Go on Johnny get on the bus and be polite."

Johnny does but looks to his father with fear in his eyes.

His father says, "Go on Johnny."

So Johnny, wanting to be as polite as possible says, "Doog moaning buth driber."

With that the bus driver raises his hand in an attempt to strike Johnny in the face, but before he can Johnny father grabs the drivers hand.

He asks, "Why do you smack my son, when all he is doing is being polite?"

The bus driver says, "Betause heeth making fun of me"

2007-08-23 12:31:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whoever gets this right gets best answer. 10 points are waiting!

2007-08-23 12:12:22 · 31 answers · asked by Registered Sex Offender ® 4

Please leave ur short jokes here an ill pick a Best 1 when im back online =)

2007-08-23 12:11:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved
an orgasm. They decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens
to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following
suggestion:

'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making
love have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help
wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It
doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they
go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband,' try it reversed. Have the young
man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire
the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with
the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to
work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous
room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
triumphantly, “you see that, you young schmuck…

That’s how you wave a towel”

2007-08-23 12:01:37 · 29 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home I told the Woman that I was very sorry, but would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt" So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair
on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed
my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants... You might have gotten Disability, too."

2007-08-23 11:55:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him. "I am placed in the door and told when to jump," he said. "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered, "Oh, my dog's leash goes slack."

2007-08-23 11:37:13 · 11 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

A Yankee couple was driving their RV across Florida and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-ee-me; kis-i-ME; kis-I-me...
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce the name of this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

2007-08-23 11:35:58 · 13 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

It was the mailman's last day on the job. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the second house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the third house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had the most incredible sex he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she cooked him a giant breakfast. As she was pouring coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom dge.
"All this was fantastic," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I asked my husband what to give you. He said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

2007-08-23 11:34:26 · 15 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

What walks on four legs in the morning, two at mid-day, and three in the evening?

2007-08-23 11:27:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Until I am measured,
I am not known.
Yet how you miss me,
When I have flown!
What am I?

2007-08-23 11:22:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The preacher's Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked all present how many have forgiven their enemies.

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

Now about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "It's easy, I just outlived all those witches.

2007-08-23 11:20:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man, while playing on the front nine of a
complicated golf course, became confused
as to where he was on the course. Looking
around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion
and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are
a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf ball.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and
he approached her again with the same request.

"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole
behind, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse
where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of
the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a
drink in appreciation for your help. I understand
that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales
also What do you sell?

I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied "No, I won't."

Well, if you must know," she answered "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he nearly fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied,
"I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

2007-08-23 11:16:31 · 29 answers · asked by Kim 5

you mama so fat she won the war by her self

your mamas so dumb she tripped over an cordless phone

ur muma so fat if u slap her butt u could ride da waves

ur mummas so fat she took her dress to the dry cleaners and they said we dont do curtins

ur mummas so fat when scientist fisrst seen her they thought they discovered a new planet

yo mama so fat, she jumped in mid-air and got stuck

Yo mama so fat when she went to the beach the whales sang we are family!!

YO MAMAS HAS BEEN IN JAIL SO MANY TIMES THAT SHE SOLD THE HOUSE

yo mamas so fat she dosent need the internet shes already world wide

Yo Mama’s so dumb she stole a free sample
your mom so fat she ran weight loss peple out of busness

2007-08-23 11:07:55 · 7 answers · asked by Demodr 2

Yo Mama is so fat, when she told me her weight I thought it was her phone number.

Yo Mama is so fat, the highway patrol made her wear ''Caution! Wide Turns!''

Yo Mama is so fat, the highway patrol made her wear ''Caution! Wide Turns!''

Your mama is so fat, that she uses the refrigerator for her lunch box.

Yo mama’s so fat, she wore an X-Files T-shirt and a helicopter landed on her.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she took up pages 41, 42 and 43 in her school yearbook.

Yo’ momma’s so fat, when she wears a red jumpsuit little kids run around here with cups in their hands yelling ” Kool-aid, Kool - Aid”

Yo momma so fat that when she jumps in the ocean the whales sing I beleive I can fly because they really are flying.

Yo momma so fat she tripped over k mart stumbled over Wal mart and landed on target.

Yo momma so fat when she walked in front of the TV i missed 5 minutes of the show.

yo mamas so fat she broke branch of the family tree

2007-08-23 11:06:10 · 8 answers · asked by Demodr 2

The bartender says, "Hey, ya know you got a steering wheel taped to your waist?

The Pirate says, "Arg! I know! It's driving me nuts!"

2007-08-23 10:56:43 · 15 answers · asked by Mr. Clutch 2

nah you might spread it :-p lol

2007-08-23 10:47:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone a t first light." The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning,
the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great
weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I
have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"





"She just died and left me everything."

2007-08-23 10:44:28 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife,
" Ya now sumtin' woman, we have a wonderful new system at de fire
station.........
Bell 1 rings........... we put on our jackets Bell 2 rings...........we

slide down de pole Bell 3 rings........... we jump on de engine and
we's
ready to go.

"From now on womon,
When I says," Bell one" ....... I want yo to strip naked When I
says,
"Bell two"........ Yo jump on de bed When I says, "Bell three"......
we's gonna mek a love all tru de night girl.

The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell one" ..... and
de wife stripped naked.
"Bell two" ..... and she jumped on the bed.
"Bell three"... and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out,

"Bell four"
"WOMON, What de hell is Bell four?", he asked She replied, "ROLL OUT
MORE
HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE!!".

2007-08-23 10:38:10 · 12 answers · asked by angeleyes 2

What’s a fart? A fart is stinky gas that comes out our back door.

What is gas? A gas is a thing that floats in the air. We can’t see it. But we can sometimes smell it.

Why does fart gas stink? Well, there are itsy-bitsy critters inside of us. Those critters are called bacteria. Bacteria eat some of the food we swallow. The stinky fart gas comes from those bacteria.

How often do we fart? Most people fart about 14 times a day.

Do some people fart more than 14 times a day? People that eat a lot of veggies fart more.

So, we shouldn’t eat veggies, right? No, people that eat a lot of veggies fart a lot, but they don’t have stinky farts.

How much gas would we have if we bottled our farts? About half a liter, which would fill one empty pop can.

Do fish fart? Oh, yes. Just about everything that eats will fart. This means that principals and presidents fart. Toothy sharks fart. Pretty swans fart. Hey, even whales fart, but don’t think too long about that.

Is there something that eats that doesn’t fart? A few things and they all live in the sea. Jellyfish and coral don’t fart. They have mouths, but no back door, so food goes in and waste comes out the same opening. Sponges don’t fart either. And there’s a sea worm that doesn’t have a mouth, guts or a back door. It doesn’t even eat! There’s a special bacteria that lives in it and keeps it alive. It’s a very skinny worm, which probably doesn’t surprise you.

What animal farts the most? No, it’s not your brother or your father or your mother. It’s the termite. Termites fart so much that they warm up the world. So, unless you want to fart more, don’t eat wood.

Can you fight with farts? Some reptiles do. They use farts as a weapon. But don’t get the wrong idea here.

How fast are farts? Most farts take several seconds to reach a nose, but farts will be faster if there’s a wind. The next time you fart, try counting until someone smells that fart. But count to yourself, because after the first few times you count out loud, people will learn to run and you’ll never know how fast your farts are.

Do boys fart more than girls? Nope. But girls might blush more than boys.

Why do beans make us fart so much? There’s a sugar in beans that our bodies can’t use. So when that sugar reaches our guts, the bacteria there eat it…and then they make fart gas.

What other foods make us fart? Raisins, eggs, cheese, potato chips, corn, milk and bread also have the sugar that our bodies can’t use.

Can only food make us fart? No, swallowing too much air can make us fart, too. And chewing gum.

Do some farts stink more than others? Sure. Eggs and meat make very stinky farts, and some animals have farts that stink more than others. For example, turtle farts are terrible, so don’t stand behind a turtle!

Why do some dogs fart so much? Well, a lot of dog food is made of soybeans, and beans make a lot of farts.

Why do some dog farts smell so bad? Many dogs eat meat, and meat makes stinky farts.

What’s the worst place to fart? Maybe an elevator. Especially if everyone in that elevator ate eggs for breakfast and beans for lunch. And for sure, if that elevator is stuck between the 3rd and 4th floors, and someone says, “Hey, you guys! Do you want some potato chips and gum?”

Is it bad to fart? No, it’s normal to fart.

Is it bad to not fart? Well, some doctors think that not farting might give you a tummy ache. A king once worried that it might be bad for people to not fart, so he made it a law that people could fart at the dinner table.

Where does the fart gas go when you hold it in? It just goes back up your guts…and comes out later.

What should you do if you must fart at a terrible time? Cough when you do, to cover the sound. Then squint at someone else, so it seems like they did it. Or you can remember that a king once thought it was okay.

Is there such a thing as a fossil fart? Yes! If a bug is trapped in tree sap and farts as it dies, that fart will be trapped in sap, too. Scientists have found little fossil farts in very old, hard tree sap (which is called amber).

Can you go a whole day without farting? Maybe. Not eating might help. And don’t take deep breaths. And don’t chew gum. But as soon as you relax and fall asleep, all that gas is going to be free. So if you have a fart-free day, be kind to your cat and keep it out of your bedroom.


Could you rocket through space by farting? Well, farting in space could push you. It would work like a little rocket. But it would be a very slow way to reach the moon! I’d use a real rocket instead.

2007-08-23 10:36:49 · 25 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Here is a good one for some of those bosses out there!!!!!

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all parts of the body, he should be boss.

The legs argued that since they took the man whereever he wanted to go, they should be boss.

The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all of the food, he should be boss.

The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss.

Then the asshole applied for the job.

The other parts of the body laughed that hard that the asshole became mad and closed up.

After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs went wobbly, the stomach got ill, the eyes crossed and were unable to see.

They all conceded and made the asshole boss.

This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be boss......


Just an asshole.

2007-08-23 10:33:36 · 11 answers · asked by puma 4

A snailor!

2007-08-23 10:29:02 · 6 answers · asked by Dopeboy 1

Get captured by cannibals, before killing them and turning there skin into canoe's they give them all one last wish,.
Englishman say's ""Can i have a ciigarette to smoke"" they give him a cigarette, he smokes it and then they kill him and turn his skin into a canoe....
Scotsman say's ""Can i have a glass of whiskey"" they give him the whiskey he drinks it and they kill him and turn his skin into a canoe.....
Irishman say's ""Can i have a Fork"" ....... ""A FORK"" they replied in astonishment, then give him the fork and then the Irishman stab's himself repeatedly all over his body and say's ""YOUR NOT MAKING NO F@%*ING CANOE OUT OF ME""........

2007-08-23 10:11:14 · 27 answers · asked by kevthekat 2

A piece of black tarmac talking to his mate saying what am I gonna do I am so small and I might be hurt in a fight, the other piece no worries I am bigger and will look after you, all of a sudden a red picec of tarmac walks in and the big piece of black tarmac runs home, the following day the small piece phones the big piece and says I thougth you were gonna protect me and when the red tarmac come in you legged it?
To why he replies yeah well he use to be a cycle-path. was that good?

2007-08-23 10:07:04 · 8 answers · asked by philip k 1