Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Talking Clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:

"FOR The Love of God, YOU ASSHOLE....it's three o'clock in the morning!"

2007-08-21 12:06:50 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Timmy’s father was a rector in a small church, and when the bishop came to visit, Timmy was very excited. The bishop arrived late in the evening, well past Timmy’s bedtime, but the next morning the boy asked his father if he would be allowed to meet the important guest.
His father thought about this and decided to let Timmy take the bishop his tea and wake him up, the following instructions were issued: 'first, knock on the door of the bishop's room and then say to him: "it's the boy, my Lord, it's time to wake up"'
Timmy rehearsed his lines, repeating them over and over. Finally the tea was ready and he picked up the tray and headed for the bishop's room. A few minutes later, the bishop, still in his pajamas, was seen running out the door and down the lane
The father turned to his son and said: what happened?'
'I’m sorry,' said Timmy. 'I was so nervous I messed up my lines. I knocked on the door and said: "its the Lord, my boy, your time is up!"'

2007-08-21 12:03:30 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

2007-08-21 11:36:17 · 32 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

The computer prayer

Our Morning Prayer . . .

Our Hard Drive

Which art internal

Volume C by name;

Thy code be clean,

Thy fonts be seen

On screen as they are on paper.

Give us this day our documents,

And lead us not into fragmentation

But deliver us our data.

For thine is the SCSI,

And the EISA, and the NuBus,

Forever and Ever,

Amen.

2007-08-21 11:21:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

She'd been walkin' thirty miles........?

2007-08-21 11:15:00 · 11 answers · asked by Birdman 7

how long until it gets delivered to me? (Get creative, friends; this is just for fun! ;- ) )

2007-08-21 09:47:11 · 6 answers · asked by thelostrose 3

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

2007-08-21 09:45:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things"
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. "Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2007-08-21 09:43:47 · 16 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

A teacher is reading a fairy tale to her 4 year-old class
"And the cow said 'Moo!' and they man said 'Why do you always say moo, cow?' and the cow said 'I don't know.' Well class, what do you think the man said after that?"
Billy, who was sitting in the front row said : I think he said 'HOLY F***, A TALKING COW!" The teacher collapsed on her desk.

2007-08-21 09:10:34 · 28 answers · asked by Forksided 3

think of this mad cow disease?" the other cow says..."what do i care for ,i'm an eleophant"......

2007-08-21 09:00:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

and after the dentist examines him, he says, “that tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novocain and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
The man grabs the doc’s arm, “No way. I hate needles I’m not having any shot!” So the dentist says, “okay, we’ll have to go with the gas.”
The man replies, “absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.”
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, “here,” he says. “Take this pill.”
The man asks “What is it?” The doc replies, “Viagra.”
The man looks surprised, “will that kill the pain?” he asks.
“No,” replies the dentist, “but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!”

2007-08-21 08:40:26 · 18 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

One day there were 4 men playing a round of golf. There was a doctor, a musician, and a travel agent, and an engineer. They noticed that the group in front of them was playing very slow. By the 15th hole they were beginning to get impatient. While they were waiting to tee off, they course marshal came by and they all began to chat. The players mentioned how slow the group ahead was playing. The marshal explained saying “Those 4 guys are firefighters. Last year our clubhouse caught fire and they saved it. But in the process they went blind. So we told them they could play here for free anytime they wanted.

The doctor responded “I’m sorry I was so impatient with them. I’m going to call my friend who’s an optometrist and see if there is anything he can do for those heroes.”

The musician said “I’m sorry I was so impatient with them. That is an inspiring story, I’m going to write a song about them and dedicate it to them.”

2007-08-21 07:45:06 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Spymace

Pacefarty

Oogle Gearth

Botophucket

And don't splame me for my beech impediment. Like all you laugh, it won't mother be.

2007-08-21 07:36:19 · 3 answers · asked by Binary Purple 2

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed, and it rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"

"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me???" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door."






Be honest - did you at least chuckle? :)

2007-08-21 06:26:03 · 12 answers · asked by Pecan Pie 2

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding Anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder
'Instruction Manuals'

2007-08-21 06:05:41 · 13 answers · asked by Kim 5

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation
. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says,
"Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."
Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again,
"Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up.
" He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says,
"Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

2007-08-21 06:03:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to miami in two days time? Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will. Customer : I bet you, it won't. Post Master : Why not? Customer : It's addressed to New york
-----
Man : How old is your father? Boy : As old as me. Man : How can that be? Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
------
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller
----
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg. Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
-----
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!" "That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in to the living room and tell me about it." "Well," began the confession, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in mat and 20 in science."
----

2007-08-21 06:00:33 · 8 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'


'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'


He yelled back,
' University of Oklahoma '
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you...'
--------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent,
good looking, sensitive man?
Ans: A rumor
-------------------------

2007-08-21 05:58:46 · 8 answers · asked by Kim 5

It's easier than rolling up.

2007-08-21 05:56:08 · 17 answers · asked by coconut 2

2007-08-21 05:55:39 · 8 answers · asked by pantheres2 2

Well how ’bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

-You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for non-chaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

-I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude. I like that in a young person!

-Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!

-What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

-Your mother and I are going away for while. You might want to consider throwing a party.

-Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickie thingies - you know - that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to the mechanic’s and pay whatever they ask.

-No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly aching and lets get to the mall.

-Whaddaya want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

-Father’s Day? Ah - don’t worry about that - it’s no big deal.

2007-08-21 04:58:16 · 18 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Be honest now!

2007-08-21 04:46:43 · 23 answers · asked by 'Dr Greene' 7

I am looking for Animal sounds,facts,and riddles. Does anyone know of some good sites for this.

2007-08-21 04:39:22 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to his senses, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "*@#$! you". The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.

2007-08-21 04:16:48 · 22 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

2007-08-21 04:13:06 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once a boy woke up and got out from his bed.
He prepared to go to school.
When he spoke"**",the teacher got disappointed and asked him to get out of class.
Suddenly Head of the school saw him.
"He asked what did the boy do?"
Teacher told ,"He said "**" ".
On hearing this principal got disappointed and suspended the boy for a week.
When he reached home, his mother asked how was the day in the school.
He said i just spoke"**"........
Hearing this ,mother asked her son to leave the home.
It went on and on and on till he reached the president.
When president asked about the problem and heard the same word from the boy("**"),he got annoyed so much and asked the boy to leave the country.
Now boy decided to know the meaning of "**".
So he decided to ask god about it.
The temple was on the opposite side of the cross- road and when he tried to cross the road suddenly a car striked him and he was dead on the spot.
What moral did you get from the story?

2007-08-21 03:58:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE BEER PRAYER

OUR LAGER, WHICH ART IN BARRELS,
HALLOWED BY THY FAME.
THY WILL BE DRUNK, I WILL BE DRUNK,
AT HOME, AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.
GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD,
AND FORGIVE OUR SPILLAGE,
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US.
AND LEAD US NOT TO INCARCERATION,
BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS.
FOR THINE IS THE ALE, THE PILSNER, AND THE LAGER,
FOREVER AND EVER.
- AMEN -

2007-08-21 03:46:04 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Santa claus, intelligent man and blind woman in a lift, there is a £20 note on the floor of the lift when the lift gets to the ground floor the money has gone who took it????



The blind woman the other 2 don't exist

2007-08-21 03:42:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bank got robbed!!!!!!?
2 blonde men were hellbent on making some quick money so after a
long thinking they decided to rob a bank,so on one fine
evening they entered a bank ,it was very difficult because of darkness... it took them 6-7 hours to break open first locker ,they were surprised to see a small bowl kept inside with something in it ,guys thought it was some pudding,
felt hungry so they shared it ,tried and open
next locker and the same thing came out,they ate that too.By now they became
expert and broke open all the lockers with the same result but inside stuff
was same in all the lockers, they didn't waste it......by now poor chaps
started feeling little dizzy with nausea. Disappointed they rushed home and
saw the head lines that only sperm bank in town got robbed last night..

2007-08-21 03:38:43 · 9 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some."Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewilderedand exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

2007-08-21 03:32:10 · 11 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4