Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A Paddy walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a poolwith his hand.

The Paddy shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowshite.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you".

The Paddy shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

2007-08-21 03:28:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, about a month ago, the president was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge-a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States...How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars!"
To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars."
He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes...get my panties as low as my wages...get that thing of yours as hard as the times...keep it as high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."

2007-08-21 03:25:59 · 9 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Smila was just being potty trained and his mom,Myklia, tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.








Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...

2007-08-21 03:14:33 · 15 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Steve......Let me relate how I handled the situation with
my wife. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for her to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she
starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support her. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed,

Steve

EDITOR'S NOTE: Steve died suddenly Thursday May 26. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his rear, with only 2 inches of grip showing...His wife was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

2007-08-21 03:10:40 · 9 answers · asked by myturn 4

It fell out of his pocket

2007-08-21 02:53:20 · 18 answers · asked by duck surprise 2

a blonde girl went to the doctors and the doctor said you are pregnant........
The blonde then goes is it mine?

2007-08-21 02:45:42 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Thr Rabbi stands aside and says, 'women and children first'. The Minister says, 'F**k the children' and the Priest says, 'Do you think we've time'.

2007-08-21 02:38:51 · 14 answers · asked by duck surprise 2

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physian grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

2007-08-21 02:27:30 · 9 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Colorado Avalanche fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Avalanche fans too.

Not really knowing what an Avalanche fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an Avalanche fan," she retorts.

"Then," asks her teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Detroit Red Wings Fan," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is a Wings fan.

"Well, my Dad and Mom are Wings fans, so I'm a Wings fan too," she responds.

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

"Oh," says the little girl. "Well, then I'd be an Avalanche fan.

2007-08-21 02:23:42 · 5 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A man turns round to his mate and asks, "If the World was to end in 3 minutes, what would you do?
The mate replied, "I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?"

The man answered, "Stand perfectly still."

2007-08-21 02:21:57 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-*** jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When order is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "In your case, you'll just have to show up anyway -- you'll just have to write with your other hand."

2007-08-21 02:21:55 · 4 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

An airplane was about to crash.

There were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Tom Cruise, the best actor in the world, my public needs me, I can't afford to die."

So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, " I am the wife of the Former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president."

So she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, " I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And I am the cleverest president in American history, so America's people won't let me die."

So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left,and as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "it's okay, there is a parachute left for you. America's cleverest president has taken my schoolbag."

2007-08-21 01:34:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

im passing this on to you because it worked for me and i have found inner peace. the way to do this is finish the things you started. i looked around this morning to see what i started, so i finished the vodka, baileys, some red wine and valium and you have no idea how peaceful i feel

2007-08-21 01:30:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The cat
sat on the
the mat.

2007-08-21 01:27:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

2007-08-21 01:24:27 · 22 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Wife isn't in the car
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

2007-08-21 01:21:23 · 18 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Horse pulls the car
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

2007-08-21 01:20:34 · 10 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

2007-08-21 01:09:27 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

AFTER YEARS of trying, a wife finally got her husband to stop biting his nails. When asked how she did it after so many years of trying, she said, “I hid his teeth.”

2007-08-21 01:00:28 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ωέςтєяиΝСģαζ♥ 4

one says wheres the soap
number 2 says does dosent it.

2007-08-21 00:55:42 · 32 answers · asked by juju-arlie 2

SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER: What time of day was Adam born?

Pupil: A little before Eve.

Sunday school teacher: And why did Mary and Joseph take Jesus with them to Jerusalem?

Pupil: They couldn’t find a babysitter.

Teacher: What story in the Bible are you showing in this picture of people on an airplane?

Pupil: The flight to Egypt. See, that’s Mary, Joseph, Jesus and Pontius, the pilot.

Teacher: Who can tell me what a “mystery” is?

Pupil: A mystery is when someone colors on the table, but no one knows who did it.

2007-08-21 00:54:47 · 3 answers · asked by ♥ωέςтєяиΝСģαζ♥ 4

A 6-YEAR-OLD boy asked his mother if it's true that God made man from dust.

"Yes, son, it's true that we're made from dust, and to dust we shall return," replied his mom.

"Well," said the boy, "I just looked under my bed, and there's someone either coming or going."

2007-08-21 00:46:15 · 7 answers · asked by ♥ωέςтєяиΝСģαζ♥ 4

When a guy came into a bar at 1 in the afternoon and started getting drunk, the barman asks him whats the matter?

the guy replies i just found out my dad is gay

the next day the same guy comes in at 1pm again. whats the matter this time? asks the barman

i just found out my son is gay

on the third day he comes in again. having had enough of this mans sorrows, the barman asks does no one in your family like women?

the drunk guy replies, apparently my wife does!!

2007-08-21 00:41:28 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Nominated as the world's best short joke of the
year. . . . . . .

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while
taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

2007-08-21 00:00:22 · 10 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

Iwas stood in front of my school assembly after being called up to talk about my medal(dontknow
what that meant).And then I explained to the school that I was walking down the road, and all of a sudden, this big dog attacked this guy.SoI ran over to watch and this dog started biting him and then ripped his face of!ThenIWent into really gory detail about how this guy was screaming and blood was gushing our and you could see his brain.Then I layed down on the floor and did an impression of him.Then thestudents started throwing-up.So thenIcalled an ambulanceforthe guy, but Ihadto kick the dog out of the way tostophim from biting him. SoItappedhim lightlywith myfoot, andhe died! TheDogDied!So Ihad to go to DoggyHospital To see him gotoDoggyHeaven.But because I saved the guy,I got to visit JackieChan, becausehewas his bodyguard.WhenIgotthere, they asked if I wanted toSeeHim or 50Cent.ISaidthat50cent a drugdealerwho kept getting shot.Then50cent ran out crying.
P.S The Dog was called Jim

2007-08-20 23:47:12 · 11 answers · asked by John23 2

George Bush visited a school to see if he was still popular among
the youth of America. He held a short speech and asked some

children if they had any questions for him.

Bob raised his hand and said: "I have three questions for you."

1) How did you win the election even though you had less votes?

2) Why do you want to attack Iraq without the backing of the UN?

3) Do you agree, just like me, that the bombing of Hiroshima was

the biggest terrorist action of the last century?

At that point the bell rings and all children run out of the classroom.

After 5 minutes all the children are back inside and Bush again asks the children if there are any questions they would like to ask.

This time Joe raises his hand and says he has five questions.

1) How did you win the election even though you had less votes?

2) Why do you want to attack Iraq without the backing of the UN?

3) Do you agree, just like me, that the bombing of Hiroshima was

the biggest terrorist action of the last century?

4) Why did the bell ring 20 minutes early?

5) Where is Bob?

2007-08-20 23:29:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Pakistanis boarded a plane for Washington. One took the window
seat, the other sat on the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a fat
Sardarji got on & took the aisle seat next to them. He kicked off his
shoes, wiggled his toes & was settling in when the Pakistani in the
window
seat said, "I think I'll go up & get a coke." "No problem," said the
Sardar, "I'll get it for u. "While he was away, the Pakistani picked up
the shoe & spat in it. When the Indian returned with the coke, the
other
Pakistani said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."Again, the
Sardar obligingly went to fetch it.And while he was gone, the Pakistani
picked up the other shoe & spat in it. The Indian returned with the
coke &
they all sat back & enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane
was
landing the Indian slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately
what
had happened on seeing the pakis who couldn't help hiding their smirks.
"How long must this go on," the Sardar asked, with pain and sorrow
evident on
his
face. "This enimity between our people... this hatred... this
animosity...
this
spitting in shoes & pissing in the cokes!"

2007-08-20 23:17:58 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

One afternoon, a bear was chasing a rabbit through the woods. As the rabbit dove through a bush in an attempt to escape, he collided with an old dusty genie lamp. This tripped him up, which in turn tripped up the bear, and the both of them tumbled down a small hill along with the lamp, which promptly opened.

The genie turned and saw the two animals, and said, "Clearly, I owe my freedom to you both. Normally, I would grant three wishes and no more, but since you have both helped me, you shall both receive three wishes!"

The bear shoved the rabbit aside and said, "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female!" The genie replied, "Done," and turned to the rabbit.

The rabbit was deep in thought, and finally said, "I wish for a motorcycle helmet my size." The bear rolled his eyes, thinking, "What a waste of a perfectly good wish!" But the genie simply said, "Done," and a small motorcycle helmet appeared in the rabbit's paws, and he put it on.

2007-08-20 23:03:55 · 15 answers · asked by Slimm D 3

A little turtle was owned by a girl named Marie,
who loved to keep tidy and clean
so when she stumbled across a toothbrush to went in a rush to keep her turtle shiny and neat
When the grooming was done, people admired in awe and said: What beautiful turtle teeth!

How is this story impossible?

2007-08-20 22:26:39 · 15 answers · asked by bluebunny1026 2

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices
large sign on the wall:

$500 If we fail to fill your order!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts
on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks
into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the
kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps
five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me
this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the
first time in ten years we've been out of rye
bread!"

2007-08-20 22:15:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous