Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

2007-08-20 03:44:38 · 8 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower . The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain . However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it . When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Bunnings either"

2007-08-20 03:01:29 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

2007-08-20 02:44:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because William Shatner

2007-08-20 00:42:43 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

2007-08-20 00:24:48 · 14 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told
him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give
the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do,"
said the doctor "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal
conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30
feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In
a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response..
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's
for dinner?"
Again, there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I justlove this.)

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

2007-08-19 23:51:49 · 10 answers · asked by RobinRedBear 3

When shes in a good mood it goes a sort of turquoisey blue.........

And when she's in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on my forehead

2007-08-19 23:42:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and as it drew level it stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, before he realised there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly forward.

John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before he reached the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

2007-08-19 23:35:10 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

and as the the attendant comes out to help him he notices the guy has 2 penguins in the back of his car, so he says, how come you've got them in your car? The guy replies that he found them along the side of the road so he thought he would pick them up, as he knew they didn't belong there, but now he does'nt know what to do with them. The attendant suggests taking them to the zoo, which the guy seems to think is an excellent idea, so off he goes smiling with the advice. The next day he comes back to the station with the 2 penguins still in the car, the attendant says, thought you was gonna take em to the zoo mate? The guy replies, I did! We had a great time!! im taking them to a theme park today!

2007-08-19 23:31:44 · 16 answers · asked by indie9999 2

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really
cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was
dating someone else.One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex
with you..."The girl looked at him, and then said,"NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money
on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the
time you've picked it up."She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend... so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the
money really fast. He won't even be able to get his
pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still
waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45
minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The
bastard had all quarters!"

2007-08-19 23:29:21 · 3 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
>> that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab
>> some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over
>> his
>> head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be
>> thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window
>> was
>> made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
>> 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
>> grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
>> woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
>> Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
>> the car
>> and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the
>> car and told to stand there for a positive ID to which he replied,
>> "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
>> 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
>> into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,
>> and
>> demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
>> open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
>> rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
>> frustrated, walked away.
>> ******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****
>> 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
>> parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
>> Police
>> arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor
>> home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted
>> to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor
>> home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to
>> press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
>> In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with
>> your friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10
>> individuals
>> by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be
>> glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

2007-08-19 21:04:52 · 3 answers · asked by Gina B 4

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards
>> are
>> bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
>> Here is the glorious Winner:
>> 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
>> victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber,
>> James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down
>> the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
>>
>>
>>
>> And now, the Honorable Mentions:
>> 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
>> meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company.
>> The
>> company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for
>> himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The claim was
>> approved.
>> 3 A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
>> during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
>> had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
>> 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
>> driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
>> transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
>> his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
>> everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to
>> the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
>> excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
>> discovered for 3 days.
>> 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
>> serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
>> received
>> the wounds, he said he was trying to see how close he could get his
>> head
>> to a moving train before he was hit.
>> 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
>> counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
>> the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
>> the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
>> fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
>> got from the drawer: $15.
>> (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
>> committed?)

2007-08-19 21:04:06 · 3 answers · asked by Gina B 4

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He sits down at the bar to have a drink when

the bartender screams, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?" "No, what?"
asks the man

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table..... WHOLE!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in
sight. I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate
and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey
with him. He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar
again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of Maraschino
Cherries on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and
eats it. Then the Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls
it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted, "Did you see what your Monkey did now?" "No,
what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out and ate
them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," the guy replied, "He still eats everything
in sight but ever since he had to s??t that cue ball out, he
measures everything first."

2007-08-19 20:54:58 · 16 answers · asked by vlf126 3

I want to play a simple, funny prank on my friend at school. I dont want to completely humilate her, just for a laught.
It has to be at school

2007-08-19 20:50:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hold it in until the morning!!
xD

2007-08-19 20:38:18 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry, it was either the mouse or me. I did buy him/her (Shirley the mouse) two homes and they went to his/her favorite place, the closet. However, how do you know if the mouse went in the house when you do not want to touch the house that was bought for the mouse?

2007-08-19 19:19:01 · 5 answers · asked by grannywinkie 6

Can anyone guess wat book is this???????

2007-08-19 19:15:36 · 12 answers · asked by S.......... 1

Solve these:

Example -

man
____
Board

is man over board

1)
William March
William June
William September
William January

2)
S M
E U
O S
G T
T C
A O
H M
W E

3)
S
L
O
W

4)
CLOUD
TH

5)
D D
O O
O O
G G

O O
N N

answer whatever you can.

2007-08-19 19:06:15 · 6 answers · asked by Lighthouse 5

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

2007-08-19 18:54:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, ‘That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?’

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, ‘That is nice. What's it called?’

‘Viens a moi,’ replies Nancy.

‘Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?’

At this stage the assistant offers some help. ‘Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.’

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, ‘That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?’

2007-08-19 18:51:02 · 15 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

From my understanding, this isn't exactly G-rated stuff, so a link would be good. I've heard about travelling salesman jokes and twists of travelling salesman jokes, but I've never heard a real travelling salesman joke.

Thanks!

2007-08-19 18:48:26 · 2 answers · asked by Madame M 7

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing ... I'm going to buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked. "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss asked, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two popsicles and some hot coffee."

2007-08-19 18:45:06 · 3 answers · asked by zanthus 5

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry; I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy this.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm.It's warm and moist! What is it? MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

2007-08-19 18:12:10 · 11 answers · asked by yesway_noway 2

Men are like......

.....placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.

.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

.....mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

.....handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

2007-08-19 16:29:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant--much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

2007-08-19 15:42:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to b*tch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

2007-08-19 15:33:15 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

How many Fs are here;

Finished Files are the result of scientific study combined with the experience of the years.

2007-08-19 15:11:47 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

> >A man was walking down the street was accosted by a particularly
dirty
> >and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
dollars
> >for dinner.
> >The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
> >give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of
dinner?"
> >"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
> >"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man
asked.
> >"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
> >spend all my time trying to stay alive."
> >"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of
food?"
> >the man asked.
> >Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in
20
> >years!"
> >"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district
instead
> >of food?" the man asked.
> >"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the
homeless
> >man.
> >"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
> >I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
> >The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
> >for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
>disgusting."
> >
> >The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a
man
> >looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

2007-08-19 14:35:16 · 9 answers · asked by blackfirescorpio05 3

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:


- I do physical labor.
- I work at great depths.
- I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
- I work in a damp environment.
- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
- I work in high temperatures.
- My work exposes me to contagious diseases.




THE RESPONSE.....

Dear Penis,


After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have
raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

- You do not work 8 straight hours.
- You fall asleep after brief work periods.
- You do not always follow orders of the management team.
- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting
other locations.
- You do not take initiative.
- You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start
working.
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift.
- You don't always observe necessary safety requirements, such
as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
- You will retire well before you are 65.
- You are unable to work double shifts.
- You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have

completed
the assigned task.


And if that were NOT ALL, you have been seen constantly entering
and
exiting the
workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.


Sincerely,
The Management

2007-08-19 14:29:50 · 12 answers · asked by blackfirescorpio05 3

one that i like (kind of corny)

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
(ok that one probably some of u alredy herd...)

Yo mama lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray


ok some of them are ok.. but just experimenting a little

2007-08-19 13:57:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous