Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

Find the error. It's impossible!

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Did you know that 80% of UCSD students could not find the error above? Repost this with the title "what's wrong here", and when you click "post bulletin", the answer will be really obvious

2007-08-18 14:05:09 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Every man has it. A woman needs it. It is something you can not see. But you can kill it. The rich do not know it! Please Help

2007-08-18 13:43:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nun came running to her superior...

Nun: Mother Superior, I was raped. What shall I do?

Mother Superior: Here, take this lemon and sip it....

Nun: Why Mother superior? Will this ease the pain?

Mother Superior: NO, it will wipe that smile off of your face..

2007-08-18 13:15:37 · 10 answers · asked by EnigmaCA 3

A dog that rips your arm off and then goes for help !

2007-08-18 12:57:41 · 26 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

Two ladies were sat in cubicles next to each other in the public toilets having a poo.

"Aaaaaaalfie's learning to play the piiiiiiiiano" said the first lady
"Ooooooh is he. What's he leeeearning to plaaay?" asked the second lady
"He's leeeearning to play Beeeeeethovens fiiiifth symphoney" replied the first lady.
"Oooooooooooooooooooohooh that's a hard piece"

2007-08-18 12:32:54 · 15 answers · asked by Teejay 6

2007-08-18 12:27:37 · 8 answers · asked by jack 3

Amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again
Bottle Feeding: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too
Defense: what you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going to let de children play outside
Drooling: how teething babies wash their chins
Dumbwaiter: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert
Family Planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots
Full Name: what you call your child when you're mad at him
Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right
Hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word
Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid
Independent: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say
Look Out!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
Prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own
Prepared Childbirth: a contradiction in terms
Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it
Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours
Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
Storeroom: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything
Temper Tantrums: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children
Thunderstorm: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed
Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies
Two-Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises
Verbal: able to whine in words
Weaker Sex: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out
Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house
Whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge"

2007-08-18 12:17:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

As last orders approach, the barman shouts "Oi Vince, I'm about to call last orders, do you want a last drink?"

Van Gogh looks up and says "No thanks, I've got one 'ere".

2007-08-18 12:02:02 · 8 answers · asked by Jack 4

There's an irishman, welshman and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other, girl in the middle, in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the welshman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Irishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Irishman is thinking "Damn it, that welshman must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The girl is thinking, "That Irishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the welshman instead and got slapped."

The welshman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Irishman again.

2007-08-18 11:38:08 · 23 answers · asked by "!" 5

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his buttock. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."

"I don't understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish." And I said, "No s h i t."

2007-08-18 11:35:38 · 22 answers · asked by "!" 5

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to

2007-08-18 11:34:25 · 4 answers · asked by puma 4

A boy was in school and the teacher asks him, ''Bobby, what is round and red?'' Bobby says, ''A banana!'' The teacher says, ''No, Bobby, it's an apple, but at least I know that you were thinking.'' The teacher asks him again what is long and yellow and Bobby says, ''An apple!'' The teacher says, ''No
Bobby, but at least you you were thinking.'' Bobby then looked down in his desk and asked the teacher, ''What is 4 inches long, yellow and has red on the tip?'' The teacher says, ''BOBBY!! Is that what I think it is? A penis?'' Bobby says, ''No, it's a match, but at least I know you were thinking"!!

a star if you like it:)

2007-08-18 11:25:39 · 11 answers · asked by puma 4

Q:How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?

A:Wave at her
_-=_-=_-=_-=_-=
A blonde a brunette and a redhead go to a museum and they on the museum tour when they come across a room with only a mirror surrounded by a red velvet rope. the museum tour guide says "This mirror is special" she says "If you look straight into the mirror and tell a lie you'll drop dead"
The brunette the redhead and the blonde beg to differ so they decide to try it out so this is how it goes:

Brunette:I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world *drops dead*

Redhead:I think I'm the smartest girl in the world*drops dead*

Blonde:I think...*drops dead*

If you think it's funny please star!:D

2007-08-18 11:14:20 · 7 answers · asked by Rocker chic 2

During lunch hour at school, a group of five boys from Miss Jones' home room visited a nearby lunch wagon. One of the five boys took a candy bar without paying for it. When the boys were questioned by the school principal, they made the following statements in respective order:

1. Rex: "Neither Earl nor I did it."

2. Jack: "It was Rex or Abe."

3. Abe: "Both Rex and Jack are liars."

4. Dan: "Abe's statement is not true; one of them is lying and the other is speaking the truth."

5. Earl: "What Dan said is wrong."

When Miss Jones was consulted, she said, "Three of these boys are knights, but two are liars." Assuming that Miss Jones is correct, can you determine who took the candy bar?

I know it's Abe, but can you tell me why?

2007-08-18 10:56:54 · 6 answers · asked by ▼Brian Likes Art▼ 4

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."
The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in."

2007-08-18 10:56:04 · 12 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

A blonde went into a global message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost 200 bucks, she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in France!"

The man arched an eyebrow, "Anything?" "Yes, absolutely anything" the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, "Follow me."

He walked into the next room and ordered her to come in and close the door. She did.

He then said, "Get on your knees."

She did.

Then he said, "Take down my zipper."

She did.

He said, "Go ahead... take it out."

She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"

The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly, "Hello.... MOM?"

2007-08-18 10:54:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know that I have posted this before but it really works,

I tracked my wifes phone in less than 2 minutes


http://www.track-your-partner.com/

2007-08-18 10:50:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

2007-08-18 10:28:01 · 11 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

• Unfaithful wives were made to chase a chicken through town, naked in medieval France.

• Honking of car horns for a couple that just got married is an old superstition to insure great sex.

• A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

• Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain

• Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. it is 10 times more effective than valium

• Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It’s more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don’t need special sneakers!

• From development to ejaculation, the lifespan of a sperm is about 2.5 months.

• Twenty percent of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

• In the 18th century, another term for anal sex was "navigate the windward passage."

• The Ancient Greeks believed semen was stored in a man's cranium.

2007-08-18 10:23:04 · 12 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

Banta, suffering from impotence, went to see a specialist. The doctor gave him a prescription that he was to take faithfully three times a day, and always with food.

Two days later, Banta was at a formal banquet and didn't want any of the other guests to spot and possibly identify his pink and purple capsule of medication. So he instructed the waiter to empty the capsule into his soup, thinking he could eat his soup openly with everyone else, take his medication, and preserve his privacy all at the same time.

However, when the soup was served everyone received a bowl of it but Banta, who began feeling conspicuous and angry. He confronted the waiter and asked why he hadn't been served his "special" soup.

"Well, sir, I poured your medication into your bowl as instructed. Since then, I have been waiting for the noodles to lie down."

2007-08-18 10:16:41 · 11 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner ton

2007-08-18 10:02:18 · 10 answers · asked by Divine Error 2

How do you save a drowning mouse?
Give it mouse to mouse resuscitation.

When does a mouse need an umbrella?
When it's raining cats and dogs.

Hickory Dickory Dock,
3 mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
The other 2 got away with minor injuries.

Carol: I heard a mouse squeak.
Steven: Well, what do you want me to do? Oil it???

What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk?
A mouse on vacation.

STAR if funny

2007-08-18 09:56:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Vasoline Salesman
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

Hello, he starts,Im doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?

Yes. My husband and I use it during sex, she answers.

The researcher is taken aback.Um, er, I admire you for your honesty, he continues. Can you tell me exactly how you use it?
Sure, .we put it on the doorknob so the kids cant get in"

2007-08-18 09:55:48 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Get Out of School

The telephone rings in the principal's office.

"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week,"
says the voice on the line.

"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."

"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"

"Sure. This is my father!"

2007-08-18 09:51:21 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

2007-08-18 09:46:48 · 9 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia a few months ago. So she sends him a care package.

He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's dick.

After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

Now THAT'S a Dear John letter!

2007-08-18 09:43:21 · 11 answers · asked by sophia f 3

How to Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom. 3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting. 4. Turn on hot water only. 5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam. 6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw. 10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake bodywash. 11. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been EATING your ginger nut and java cake body wash. 12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off). 13. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered. 14. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water. 15. Turn hot water on full and rinse off. 16. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

******************************

How to Shower Like a Man:

1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you've walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the floor. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.) 4. Turn on the water. 5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.) 6. Get in the shower. 7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.) 8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse. 9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area. 10. Wash your rear end. 11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner. 12. Make a shampoo mohawk. 13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle. 14. Pee. 15. Repeat #9, because it felt good. 16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. 17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead and dry off with it. If it doesn't smell okay, holler to your wife to find you a clean one. 18. Return to the bedroom wearing the towel, if you pass your wife, flash her.

2007-08-18 09:39:21 · 9 answers · asked by sophia f 3

Mum: "Why aren't you going to the party? You were invited."
Son: "I can't go because it says from six - eight and I'm ten."

Cheers :)

2007-08-18 09:38:06 · 23 answers · asked by Larry L - Hi Everyone :D 6

Charlie was fixing a door & he found that he needed a new hinge,so he sent his wife,Mary,to Home Depot. At Home Depot Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for John,the manager,to finish waiting on a customer.
When John was finished,Mary asked,"How much for the teapot?"
John replied,"That's silver & it costs $300.
"My goodness that sure is alot of money!"Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy,& John went to the back room to find it.
From the back room John yelled,"Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

2007-08-18 09:37:54 · 7 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

2007-08-18 09:36:04 · 21 answers · asked by sophia f 3