Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

2007-08-18 03:28:45 · 4 answers · asked by megnalon 4

One day, Miss Dagger walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, she asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, she asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, Nemesis decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

2007-08-18 02:33:22 · 13 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

i am looking for a good one to pull on my friend i have a n acomplis to help me pull the prank

2007-08-18 02:25:21 · 2 answers · asked by insane_czr 1

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow night and apprec- iates the business, but is also concerned.

"Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?""

The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbour, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream."

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you came home and found cream on the weight?"

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter."

2007-08-18 02:21:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.
But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.

"Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve. "And I was when the bear attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I screamed."

2007-08-18 02:19:21 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.


Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:370HSSV- 0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.



With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Robbert Mugabe from Zimbabwe for help. Within a minute Mugabe cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

2007-08-18 01:42:19 · 6 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

2007-08-18 01:31:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

2007-08-18 00:31:59 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-18 00:09:31 · 28 answers · asked by Casey 2

Three newly married couples meet on a cruise ship that they're spending their honeymoon on. They're all sitting at a large dining table one evening with a large spread of appetizers and entrees around them. One husband, drinking coffee, decides to be clever, he asks his new wife, "would you pass me the sugar, sugar?" His wife is all flattered and says, "of course dear."
The second husband, drinking tea, decides to join in. "Would you pass me the honey, honey?"
She passes the honey, saying, " anything for you darling."
The third husband, seeing how happy the other two wives are, sees his chance to make points with his new wife. Motioning to a platter on the table he sweetly asks his wife, "would you pass the pork, pig?"

2007-08-18 00:01:18 · 5 answers · asked by seadog 5

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

2007-08-17 23:57:42 · 2 answers · asked by coolfluke 3

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''

''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

''Yes,'' the photographer said.

''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''

''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

2007-08-17 23:56:33 · 4 answers · asked by coolfluke 3

Do u have a dirty mind?

What is a four-letter word that ends in ?k? and means similar to intercourse

What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of

What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

What word starts with "f " and ends with "k" And it has 4 letters?

What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

What four-letter word ends in "i-t " and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Scroll down 4 the Answers



















Talk

Legs

20 dollar bill

Fork

Almond Joy candy bar

grit

2007-08-17 23:54:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here are some jokes that I made up myself. STAR if you like them.

Customer: I can't eat this soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I will call the manager.
Customer: Mr. Manager. I can't eat this soup.
Manager: Sorry, sir. I will get the head chef so you can speak to him yourself.
Customer: Chef, I can't eat this soup.
Chef: What's wrong with the soup sir?
A now very frustrated customer: There is nothing wrong with the soup. I HAVE NO GOD DAMN SPOON.


Dolly: Did you hear about the florist who had two children, one boy and one girl?
Mary: No I haven't, tell me.
Dolly: One is a budding genius, and the other one is a blooming idiot.

Teacher: Order, order, children in class please!
Child: Ok miss I will have a hamburger and a coke, please.

Suzie: What is the name of you dog?
Tom: Ginger.
Suzie: Does Ginger bite?
Tom: No, but Ginger snaps.

Darren: I have a three-season bed.
Pat: What do you mean a three-season bed?
Darren: One without a spring.

2007-08-17 23:43:47 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bride on her wedding nighrt says to her husband,
'I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker'.
He says 'Thats alright dear, your past is your past, but I must admit I find it erotic, tell me about it'.
The wife says,
'My name was Nigel and I used to play for Wigan!!'

2007-08-17 23:07:08 · 22 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

Ok there was this blonde woman named Barbara driving in her car. She turned on the radio and heard this guy making fun of blondes calling them dumb and just being mean. Barbara got really annoyed and turned it off.
Then she saw another blonde woman in a boat rowing in the fields. Barbara got really mad and got out of her car and yelled at the lady
" Hey its blondes like u that make us all look dumb! Now if i cud swim id go over there and kick ur butt!"

2007-08-17 22:21:47 · 6 answers · asked by wutever20chica 3

What did the skeleton say when he jumped on his motorbike?.......Bone to be wild!

What did the chef skeleton say when he served dinner?.....Bone appetite!

Why did the skeleton not go to the party?...He didn't have the guts!

2007-08-17 22:15:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An ode to old age
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart

2007-08-17 21:40:17 · 12 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A list of redneck computer terms
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

2007-08-17 21:39:35 · 14 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Olympic city bribery
The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site

9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.

8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or Sven.

7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.

6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron.

5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.

4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition."

3. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.

2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.

and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...

1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.

This list is copyrighted by Chris White.

2007-08-17 21:38:08 · 8 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

I did all of that?
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

2007-08-17 21:37:29 · 6 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

2007-08-17 21:35:59 · 13 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Food quotes and quips
Food quotes, quips, and thoughts . . .

"Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson

"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen

"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck

"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin

"Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face." -- Enrico Caruso

"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get." -- Robert Orben

2007-08-17 21:35:08 · 8 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

2007-08-17 21:34:13 · 8 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Gift for a birthday
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

2007-08-17 21:32:10 · 11 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Have long marriages
Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

2007-08-17 21:31:37 · 14 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

I came up with an invention today, its the customized designer AIR BAG. Mine would say "GAME OVER!" Would you buy it? What would your design be?

Maybe have it play a ring tone or something? Not sure what I'd pick for this option...how bout you?

2007-08-17 21:17:13 · 1 answers · asked by cpc26ca 1

of a 10 story building...what is he?











DEAD!

2007-08-17 20:44:00 · 4 answers · asked by Nuts&Chews 2

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell
me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God
Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and
continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary
Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good", and Mary Margaret
fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question... "What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and
shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break
it in half!"

The nun fainted.

2007-08-17 20:41:26 · 4 answers · asked by Gina B 4

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted
solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict
with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00.
He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said,
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh
s**t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped

2007-08-17 20:23:54 · 5 answers · asked by Gina B 4