Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

what's the difference between a bloke & childbirth?

one can be terribly painful & sometimes unbearable while the other is only having a baby.


what's the difference between a bloke & a computer?

you only have to punch the information into a computer once.


what's the difference between a bloke & a piece of cheese?

cheese matures.


what's the difference between 'match of the day' & the toilet?

a bloke will never miss 'match of the day'


what's the difference between a new husband & a new dog?

after a year the dog is still excited to see you.




if blokes had PMS, what would happen?

1. the government would allocate funds to study it
2. cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability
3. there would be a bank holiday every 28 days
4. all of the above

2007-08-17 12:06:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

At first i was afraid i was petrified.
When you said you had 11 inches, lord i almost died!
But i'd spent so many years for a man that long,
that i grew strong, and i knew that i could take you on.......
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you brought me a french fry!
I shoulda known that it was bullsh*t,
just a sad pathetic dream,
shoulda known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans!
Go on now go, walk out the door,
don't you promise me 11 inches then turn up with only four!
Weren't you a brat to think i wouldn't find out?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?
I will survive!
I will survive!
coz as long as i have batteries my s*x lifes gona thrive!
I will always have good s*x, with a handful of latex!
I will survive!!!



Goodnight y'all, have a good weekend!!

Back on Sunday!
Luv babyblue x x

2007-08-17 12:03:56 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 construction workers were eating their lunch on the top of the building on their lunch break. The black man said "I am so tired of my wife making me the same lunch everyday. I done with this chicken and gravy stuff, I swear if she makes me this tomorrow I'm gonna jump off the building!". The mexican man said, " All my wife makes me for lunch is bean burritos, if she makes me this tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building to!" The white man said, " I know these everyday sandwiches are horrible, if I have another one tomorrow, I'm jumping to!" Next day comes and its lunch time and the men look in their lunch bags. The balck man said, " Yes, my wife made me a steak for lunch, good thing I ain't jumpin' off this building!" The mexican man opened up his lunch bag and said, " Yes! Tacos! My favorite, no jumping off this building for me!" The white man opened up his lunch bag and pulled out a sandwich. The white man looked @ his co-workers and jumped off the building.

2007-08-17 11:49:14 · 6 answers · asked by Quality 2

!"A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.

He grabs her, yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend visits her the next day and asked, "Are you hurt?"

She replied, "Of course I'm hurt; He hasn't called! He hasn't written.

2007-08-17 11:33:58 · 21 answers · asked by "!" 5

owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

2007-08-17 11:22:26 · 63 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-17 11:08:38 · 6 answers · asked by val c 2

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,

"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"

The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up c*nts."

2007-08-17 10:52:20 · 19 answers · asked by The Philosopher 1

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. The old sailor asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

2007-08-17 10:45:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not being retarded...

2007-08-17 10:40:08 · 18 answers · asked by The Philosopher 1

i cant pronounce my F's, T's and H's

Doctor - well you cant say fairer than that then.

2007-08-17 10:39:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

With a loud bang I change my shape, I change coat and color, I weigh much less in my new dress, but I am many times larger................. What am I??

2007-08-17 10:35:47 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Burned Ears


A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

''They called back.''

2007-08-17 10:33:44 · 9 answers · asked by Manual 5

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replies.

The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"

"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."

2007-08-17 10:28:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
select his first punishment.



First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The
new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next
room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.



The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an
really old guy chained to the wall getting a b@@w job from a
gorgeous blonde.



The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.



The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

2007-08-17 10:14:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is the riddle throw me off the highest building i woulnt break put me in the water i will

2007-08-17 10:12:38 · 23 answers · asked by Sharon C 1

Lil Chris doesnt wish he was in the gathering of priests

2007-08-17 10:11:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A New York City hairdresser said she would want to cut the hair of 3 canadians instead of 1 new yorker. Do you know why?

2007-08-17 10:08:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''

2007-08-17 10:08:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"
"I'm from Ireland."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Dublin are you from?"

"The East Side."

"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where on the East Side are you from?"

"McDonagh Street."

"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

2007-08-17 10:04:44 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

how mush wood

2007-08-17 09:56:12 · 11 answers · asked by rocketman 3

There were three salesman, one whom stuttered badly who sold Bibles. The manager asked them how many Bibles each had sold that month. The smooth talking salesman said "Twenty Bibles!" The fast talking salesman said "Thirty Bibles!" the stuttering salesman said "F-F-FFour H-H-HHundred B-B-Bibles!" The manger was amazed at the man's success. He asked to hear each man's sales pitch so they could learn from one another. The smooth talking salesman said "If a woman answered the door I asked if her mother was home, and then showed her the fine beautiful leather binding, but in no way is it as beautiful as the lady herself. "Charming" said the manager. The fast talking salesman said "I have here the best selling book in the world, every home should have one, I sold one to each and every house on the street, and do you want to be the only home without one, I don't think so" Then he asked the stuttering salesman. He replied "W-W-Would y-y-you like to b-b-b-buy a B-B-Bible, or d-d-do y-y-you

2007-08-17 09:41:27 · 5 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

My wife just had a new baby boy. Unfortunately he was born without any eyelids.

It's OK though, as the doctors were actually able to transplant the foreskin from his circumcision to create eyelids for him.

I asked the doctor whether he'd be OK now and he said,

"He may be a little ******** for the rest of his life, but other than that he'll be just fine."

.

2007-08-17 09:34:33 · 11 answers · asked by Chewie 3

they passed this law:

1) All men are to be clean shaven and not allowed to shave themselves.

2) All men must be shaved by a licensed barber.

3) Only one license is issued to the village Elder


Then the something happened that was like totally overlooked.


Who shaves the Barber; Remember NO ONE is allowed to shave themselves.

How did the Stooopidest city Avoid this Paradox?

2007-08-17 09:33:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys were selling toothbrushes and got paid by the total amount of sales each made.
First guy was a previous salesman and knew how to sell. At the end of the week he went to the boss and told him he had sold 400 toothbrushes. Very good says the boss Here is your pay See ya next week.
Second guy was also a previous salesman and done very well also He sold 500 toothbrushes. Boss gives him his pay and sends him off till next week.
Third guy had no experience whatsoever and to top it of was speech impaired. Boss asked him how he had done. To the boss' amazement the new employee had sold 10,000 toothbrushes. The boss asked what in the world he had done to sell so many that was the most anyone had ever sold in one week.
Poor man told him that he had went to the airport and set up a table.............
On one side of the table he had chip dip set up...................
On the other side he had potato chips set up.................
When the people got off the plane They'd take the chips, put it in the dip, and taste.......
HMMM taste like SH*T the man's response


It is SH*T wanna buy a toothbrush........

2007-08-17 09:25:09 · 9 answers · asked by russbillen 4

If this sentence is false, then the following sentence is also false.

If the answer to this riddle is two, then the correct thing to write in the blank is "four".

If more of these sentences are true than false, the answer to the riddle is three.

If the second sentence is true, then the answer to the riddle is two.

More than half of the previous sentences are not true.

More than half of the previous sentences are not true.

If the blank says "four", then four is the answer to the riddle.

None of the sentences containing the word "false" are true.

The next sentence is false.

The answer to the riddle is the number of true sentences containing the word "false".

The fifth and sixth sentences are both false.

The word "five" should be written in the blank if the answer is four.

This sentence and the previous sentence are true if most of these sentences are false, and false if most of these sentences are true.

******

Write the correct word here_________

2007-08-17 09:10:25 · 14 answers · asked by prof. hambone 3

The pair of gates identical to those at Graceland, are somewhere in north staffs i think. it was reported that there were several complaints on there construction

2007-08-17 09:06:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career hs has saved hundreds of foreskins as momentos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir.

He takes is specimens to a leathersmith and asks him to make something out of them. A week later the surgeon returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet.

'All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet'? exclaims the surgeon.

The leathersmith replies 'Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase'.

2007-08-17 09:06:50 · 22 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Man A is on the left looking to the right at a brick wall with a black cap on. Man B, C, and D are looking to the left. B has a white cap, C, a black one and D a white one. Between A and B is a brick wall which can not be seen through. They know that between them are 4 hats, 2 are black and 2 are white. They do not know what colour they are wearing. In order to avoid being shot one of them must call out to the executioner the colour of their hat. If they get it wrong, everyone will be shot. They are not allowed to talk to each other and have 10 minutes to fathom it out.

After one minute:
Q. Which one of them calls out?
Q. Why is he 100% certain of the colour of his hat?

This is not a trick question. There are no outside influence nor other ways of communicating. They cannot move and are buried in a straight line. So A & B can only see their respective sides of the wall, C can see B and D can see B & C.

2007-08-17 08:59:48 · 6 answers · asked by Jo 1

eyes on fire.. driving down the street staring at every1. feels like theres ants crawling through my skin. i just want to pull over and beat some1 random to death. so much coke in my mind. money in my pocket selling rocks and hooking kids from ventura to La. americas most wanted. only 18. smoking pcp and snorting pure. im a monster.

2007-08-17 08:59:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Arthur Starkey, an old aristocrat was lying on his death bed. His son, James, was standing close to Arthur's bed. Being that Arthur was on a ventilator and could not speak, James brought him a pen and a piece of paper to communicate. As James sat down beside his father, suddenly Arthur's eyes began to grow wide. He was wheezing and struggling for life as he scribbled a note and placed it in his son's pocket (but because of the pandemonium in the hospital room, James never noticed). He died ten minutes later.

An hour later...

James, crying hysterically, stood in his bedroom. Realizing that he looked quite messy and that he might wake his wife with his tears, he tried to calm himself. After quieting down, he reached into his pocket for a hankerchief but he found a piece of paper. It read: 'Get off my oxygen tube you bleeding get!'

Star if you like!

2007-08-17 08:56:32 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous