Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

2007-08-17 08:55:32 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"
6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

2007-08-17 08:44:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anchor 2

2007-08-17 08:42:58 · 3 answers · asked by jenniesrainbow 3

How do you spot a Scottish ship?

It's the one not being followed by seagulls

A 12th century sixpence was recently uncovered at an archaeological dig in Aberdeen. Gathered around it were four skeletons on their hands and knees.

A Scotsman gets a cab to take him and his girlfriend home. she's so beautiful he can barely keep his eyes on the meter.

McTavish is on his death bed. He calls over his friend Hamish and says 'I have a bottle of 35 year old whisky under my pillow. When i'm dead would you do me the kindness and pour it over my grave??

'Of course I will my old friend' replies Hamish. 'Thought I might be passing it through my kidneys first'

Why don't Scotsmen buy fridges?
They don't believe the light goes out when you close the door.

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a canoe?

A canoe tips occasionally.

2007-08-17 08:40:26 · 10 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

A little boy was playing cowboys and indians when he heard the ice cream truck. The little boy runs up to get his ice cream. "Cute cowboy outfit" says the Ice Cream lady, "What will you have buckaroo? " The boy replied, "Gimme a double ice cream sundae, raspberry topping" "Do you want whipped cream?" "Yep!" says the kid She asks "Do you want crushed nuts?" "No way, do you want shot up boobies?"

2007-08-17 08:36:28 · 3 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub and buy beers. Just as they raise their drinks to their lips, three flies land in each of the pints.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Irishman fishes the fly out of his beer and carries on drinking.

The Scotsman picks the fly out of his drink and starts shaking it, 'Spit it oot, ye thieving wee bastard! Spit it oot...!

2007-08-17 08:28:22 · 25 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

1.You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
2.You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3.You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4.Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
5.The subway makes sense.
6.You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
7.You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
8.The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
9.You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
10.You consider Westchester "upstate".
11.You think Central Park is "nature."
12.You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
13.You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it’s a "steal."
14.You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times

2007-08-17 08:20:07 · 8 answers · asked by clancy 1

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?"

"No, this is 223-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

2007-08-17 08:18:15 · 18 answers · asked by "!" 5

Old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so long as you don't have to go along to.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

2007-08-17 08:14:50 · 10 answers · asked by ? 1

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'O God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.

2007-08-17 08:10:15 · 17 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

STAR if funny.

2007-08-17 08:03:13 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

someone told me along time ago he died..
so for years i thought he was dead
but then..i just seen his face in an ad
weird...

2007-08-17 07:53:24 · 8 answers · asked by lalalala (: 3

A grocery worker is stocking shelves when a man asks him how much the watermelons are. "They're on special - one dollar each" he replies. The man looks them over and says "Hmm these are too big, do you have any smaller, about half this size?" the grocer replies. "No just what you see there, one dollar any size, it's a good deal" The man says "Yes, but I don't want one that big, could I buy half a melon for 50 cents?"
"I'll check with the manager" says the grocer. He gets down to the managers office and says "Some moron wants to buy half a frigging watermelon" suddenly he realizes the man followed him into the office, "And this fine gentleman has generously offered to buy the OTHER half!"

2007-08-17 07:48:23 · 7 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.

2007-08-17 07:43:01 · 12 answers · asked by ♥ Rachel The Great ♥ 4

I want to prank call a girl that I hate, that keeps pranking me, so i wuz wonderingif anyone knew good ones that could work.

2007-08-17 07:40:29 · 23 answers · asked by Lauren 3

A skunk, a doe and a giraffe go into a bar. "Drinks are on me"" the skunk cries. When it came time to pay the skunk said "Oh no, I forgot my wallet all I got is a cent!" The doe checks her purse, "Well I've only had one buck on me all week" The giraffe says "Looks like high balls are on me!"

2007-08-17 07:35:34 · 4 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."

2007-08-17 07:32:06 · 13 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. She marks the answer sheet 'true' for heads and 'false' for tails.

Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the next few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

STAR if funny.

2007-08-17 07:26:59 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

2007-08-17 07:25:33 · 43 answers · asked by Anonymous

a limo driver. One of the lady's friends asked her, "Why do you need 4 husbands, why not just one?" The lady said, "One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and four to go!"

2007-08-17 07:08:52 · 63 answers · asked by Anonymous

Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain.

"Bit of a ****-up in the medals department, chaps," he said.
"So the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?"

"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!'"

"That's 720 pounds. Well done private. Corporal?"

"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms stretched, sah!'"

The captain took the measurement.
"Six feet, two inches....740 pounds. Very good, corporal. Sergeant, how about you?"

"Tip of me dick to me balls, sah!'"

"Very well. Drop your trousers, then."

The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked,
"Where are your balls, sergeant?"

"Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"

2007-08-17 07:06:11 · 7 answers · asked by puma 4

Welsh man walking through a field,
sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Welsh man shouts "Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr"
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow sh!t.)

The man shouts back "I'm Pakistani, speak English,
I don't understand you".

The Welsh man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

2007-08-17 06:59:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sitting in the bar Skybluecarp asked his 40-year-old buddy Jim jr M, "How come you aren't married?"
Jim jr: "I haven't found the right woman yet."
Skyblu: "So what are you looking for?"
Jim jr: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house-keeper, and she's got to know how to handle money, a really nice and pleasant personality is a must -and money, she's got to have money...and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."
Skyblu: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU."
Jim jr: "Oh, it's okay if she is crazy."

2007-08-17 06:59:19 · 18 answers · asked by "!" 5

Irving, a Rabbi is visiting his good friend Father Clarence, a Catholic Priest. Clarence remembered he had a dentist appointment and asked Irving if he would fill in for him at the Confessional. "I don't know about that Clarence" said Irving. "It's easy" said Clarence," you watch me for a few hours then you take over" A woman came in and confessed to adultery. "How many times?" said the Priest. "Three times" said the woman. "OK, say three hail Marys and put $5 in the poor box" A man comes in and confesses adultery, "How many times?" says the Priest "Three times" says the man "OK say three hail Mary s and put $5 in the poor box." It was time for Clarence to go, he asked Irving if he knew what to do. "I think so" says Irving. A woman comes in and confesses adultery. "How many times you do this?" says the Rabbi. "Once" says the woman. The Rabbi says, "OK go and do it two more times, we're having a special, three for $5"

2007-08-17 06:58:35 · 13 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

There was an old man laying on the beach naked and a little girl pasing bystops and
stares at the man and asked "mister what is that".
The man asks "what?"
The little girl says "that between your legs."
The man says "oh that well the thing
that is standing is the bird, the two things
on the side are the eggs and the thing around
it is the nest."
The old man then asked her to leave so he can get some sun. He falls asleep and when he wakes up there are paramedics around him
he asked "what happened?"
The peramedic said "ask the little girl."
The old man calls her over ans asks what happened.
The little girl said "when you went to sleep I tried to make the bird fly I pulled and pulled but he got big and spit at me. So I kicked the bird smashed the eggs and burned the nest.

2007-08-17 06:54:08 · 10 answers · asked by samurai_fairy 5

Guess what I dream about and earn 10 points.

2007-08-17 06:35:45 · 9 answers · asked by nickson faction 7

Glasgow Rangers manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland.
Two weeks later the 'Gers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
" Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!"

2007-08-17 06:35:21 · 25 answers · asked by Ĕrotic Ńightmare 5

An old lady got dressed in a negligee and walked into the dining room where the old fellas were sitting down to dinner. She starting singing, "SUPER SEX! SUPER SEX!" Irving looks her up and down and says "I'll have the soup"

2007-08-17 06:35:13 · 8 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."

2007-08-17 06:33:10 · 9 answers · asked by samurai_fairy 5

A group of blond guys, jim jr blueskycarp and smila and little nervous nemises were in a class at New York State University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.
So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student Mykla comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the blond guy's and walked away.
After the engineer had gone, one blonds turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb woman engineer? We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!"

2007-08-17 05:51:36 · 29 answers · asked by "!" 5