Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

I've never heard this one before, have you?

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

2007-08-17 05:50:52 · 20 answers · asked by passionatemilf 2

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.

If you had another brain, it would be lonely.

STAR if funny

2007-08-17 05:48:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk man comes home and drinks a tea before going to bed...

Lying in the bed he asks his wife: "Darling, do lemons actually have small yellow feet?"

His wife is irritated and says: "No, you old drunkard, did you cause trouble again, what did you do?"

"Oh, sh** - I squeezed out the canary..."

2007-08-17 05:12:52 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

hes struggling away trying to force the door open and getting really frustrated
"wats the matter mate "?said a passing soldier
"ive just locked myself out of me car and i cant get in,these modern cars are too sophisticated nowdays"
"no probs " said the soldier and rubbed his leg up and down the door.in a couple of seconds it opened .
"thanks mate"said the bloke"how did you do that?"
"easy...i had my khaki trousers on!!!!!!!"

2007-08-17 04:34:34 · 13 answers · asked by ottenham dave 1

Two couples spend a night in a bar, have some drinks, talk and play cards. One of the husbands, Bob, drops a card on the floor and, searching for the card, can see that the wife on the other side of the table does not wear undies.
Next day, he meets that wife in the mall, and she tells him "If you enjoyed that view I have something for you - for 500 bucks."
Bob thinks about it... and agrees to visit her the very next day.
He gets to the house, pays 500 cash, and they spend an hour in bed.

In the evening her husband comes home and asks his wife: "Was Bob here and did he give you 500 dollars?"

Her blood curdles, but she dissembles and says: "Yes, why?"

Husband: "This morning, he came to my office and asked me to borrow him 500 dollars. He promised to come by this afternoon and give it back to you."

2007-08-17 04:30:16 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

2007-08-17 04:29:14 · 30 answers · asked by xoxox 5

Ok 2 kids (a boy and a girl) are at sunday school and the asks "who is father all mighty?" The girl falls asleep and the boy pokes her with a pencil and she says "God!"

The next day the teacher asks "who is God's son?" And the girl yet again falls asleep and the boy pokes her with the pencil and she says "Jesus Christ!"

On the day after that the teacher asks "what did Eve say to Adam after thier 99th child?'' the girl sleeps and the boy jabs her and she says "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!"

2007-08-17 04:22:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a pub and sits at the bar. The man beside him says "When you jump off the top of this building and you hit the twenty-second floor you get sucked in by this mysterious force." The man said " No! That's not possible!" The other man says " Come up to the roop and I'll show you!" So the men go up to the roof and the one man jumps. Sure enough when he hits the twenty-second floor he gets sucked right into the building. He walks back up tot he roof and says " Now you try" The other man jumps hits the twenty-second floor and keeps falling. The first man goes back down to the bar orders another drink and the bartender says " Superman you sure are an *** when you're drunk!"

2007-08-17 03:59:51 · 4 answers · asked by Fo' Shizzle...Oh Snap!! 2

Irishman walking down the street and spots a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it in the gutter so he rings the police " I've just found a sandwich that looks like it's a bomb" he tells the operator. " Is it tickin" she asks, " No i t'ink it's beef!" he replies.

2007-08-17 03:36:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

2007-08-17 03:33:34 · 8 answers · asked by Slimm D 3

Had a car crash the other day, went straight into the back of another car and smashed the light. When the other driver got out he was a midget! "I'm not happy" he shouted at me " Well which one are you then?" i asked.

you might have already heard it but it's my first and last joke on this!!

2007-08-17 02:56:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy makes grocery deliveries to a lady's house every week. The lady owns a mean dog and every week the little boy stops outside her gate and says,"It's Johnny, Mrs. Smith, lock up the dog." So she proceeds to lock up the dog and tells him "come on in Johnny, the dog is locked up." This goes on for weeks. So, someone tells the lady to have the dog castrated, it will calm him down before he hurts someone. So the lady takes the dog and has him done. The next week here comes Johnny and says " It's Johnny, Mrs. Smith, lock up the dog." She tells him, "it's OK Johnny, I've had the dog castrated." To which Johnny replies,"I'm not afraid he's gonna screw me, I'm afraid he's gonna bite me

2007-08-17 02:29:58 · 3 answers · asked by Garden Girl 2

I was listening to the morning zoo today and there where talking about cheap people…
I heard about grandparents that recycled plastic silverware, people that recycled plastic zip locks & much more…..

2007-08-17 02:27:34 · 10 answers · asked by sara76c 4

*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Because they couldn't find 3 wise men let alone a virgin!

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Star if you like!

2007-08-17 02:17:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

2007-08-17 02:09:17 · 20 answers · asked by pd6491 2

if 1 = 3
2 = 3
4 = 4
5 = 4
6 = 3
7 = 5
8 = 5
9 = ?
10 = ?
11 = 6
12 = 6
what is the regularity ???
i left 9 - 10 open for quessing
it's tricky question....

2007-08-17 01:52:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Irelands worst plane crash happened today when a two seater plane crashed into a cemetary.

Irish rescue workers have recovered 985 bodies so far...

The search continues!

lol

2007-08-17 01:51:44 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

well, check out these sentences i've found out....

• The farm is used to produce produce.

• This is a good time to present the present.

• We must polish the Polish furniture.

• He could lead if he would get the lead out.

• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

• The bandage was wound around the wound.

• The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

• They were too close to the door to close it.

• A bass is painted on the head of the bass drum.

• I did not object to the object.

• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

• The wind is too strong to wind the sail.

• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

• Upon seeing the tear in her clothes she shed a tear.

• The buck does funny things when the does are present.

• They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

• After a number of injections my jaw got number.

• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests

2007-08-17 01:47:20 · 39 answers · asked by namesake 3

A Texan oilman walks into a bar in Ireland and orders a Guinness. He starts drinking it and spews it on the floor.
"What the heck is this crap? It's disgusting!" He exclaims.
-What do you mean? says the bartender, a bit offended. It's one of our finest!
-Really, well I bet $100 with any man in here you can't drink 10 pints of those in an hour.
So a little Irish guy comes up and says "Sure, Lad, I'll take that bet. But give me an hour first and I'll be right back.
The Texan says sure.
So the Irish guy comes back 50 minutes later and says "All right, mate. I'll take that bet."
So the bartender lines up the 10 pints of Guinness on the bar. The Irish man sits down and drinks them one after another.
The Texas oil man is amazed and he says:
-Well all right, you've earned this. Here ya go!
And gives him the $100.
-But before you leave, could ya tell me what you did in that hour you left?
-Well, I just wanted to make sure I could do it, so I went to another pub and tried it first.

2007-08-17 01:30:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One brunette, one red head & one blonde,
Two guards bring the red head forward & the executioner asks any last requests? no she says... the executioner shouts ...Ready....Aim ..... & the red head shouts "Earthquake"
everyone looks startled & looks around & the red head manages to escape.
The angry guards bring the brunette forward, any last request asks the executioner? no says the brunette.... the executioner shouts .....ready....aim..... the brunette shouts......"TORNADO"
Everyone is startled again & looks round & the brunette manages to escape.
By now the blonde had figured out (somehow) what to do.
The guards are by now very angry & bring the blonde forward, Any last requests asks the executioner?.... No says the blonde, the executioner shouts Ready....Aim.....
& the blonde shouts........... FIRE!

2007-08-17 01:27:45 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

McDonald's love story..



A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything ."

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.

The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered "THE TEETH"

2007-08-17 00:27:13 · 13 answers · asked by shami742003 1

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?

2007-08-17 00:19:28 · 7 answers · asked by raindrops 5

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

2007-08-17 00:08:50 · 4 answers · asked by Sweety 3

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".

The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"



Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?

A. A wind tunnel.



Q. How do you confuse a blonde?

A. You can't, they have always been like that.



Q: A blonde going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?

A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.



Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.



Q. How do you confuse a blonde?

A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.



Q: How does a blonde try to kill a fish?

A: She drowns it.



Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?

A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

2007-08-16 23:22:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A biker speeds on the motorway.

Suddenly there is a tiny sparrow in front... the biker tries to avoid hitting him... but it is too late. The tiny sparrow hits his helmet and falls down, knocked out unconscious.

Now, the biker feels really guilty about that, picks up the bird, and at home, he puts him into an old bird cage, swears to take good care of the little victim and places some bread and a bowl of water.

The next morning, the sparrow awakens, does not know where he is... he looks around... the railings, bread, water...

Aghast, he yells:

"Oh, my God, I killed the biker!!!"

2007-08-16 23:05:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats white and 12 inches long?


Nothing.








Heard it in the film Heartbreak Ridge, I am white too.

2007-08-16 23:04:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hippy 1: "Hey man, turn the radio on"
Hippy 2: "Hey radio, I love you"

2007-08-16 22:57:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This blonde cop pulls over this blonde speeder and asks for an I.D.
The speeder pulls out a library card, but the blonde cop says, "No Ma'am, it must have a picture of you on it, so I can see that you are who you say you are".
So the blonde speeder comes across her compact, sees her reflection in the mirror and thinking this is her I.D., she hands it to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop stares at it incredulously for a second and finally says,"I am so sorry, I didn't know you were a cop!"?

2007-08-16 22:42:20 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are five people in a small plane about to crash.
an old man
a pastor
a father and his son
and the pilot
There are only 4 parachutes
so,
the old man says, "I am old, I have lived my life, I will go down with the plane".
the pastor says, "Well, people need me down there, so I have to go." (so the pastor grabs a parachute and falls out of the plane)
The father says, "My son should go first, he has many years ahead of him".
The boy says, "But Dad, we can all go".
The father says, "How come?"
The boy says, "because the pastor took my backpack".

2007-08-16 22:28:01 · 20 answers · asked by anti-imperialistzombie 3

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"

"Yep."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

2007-08-16 22:19:47 · 20 answers · asked by raindrops 5