Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A man and his wife had just moved to a new town. They lived right on the shore of the big lake that the town was famous for. After a long day of fishing on his new boat, the man went inside and took a nap. Unfamiliar with the lake, his wife took her book and went to the middle of the lake with her husband's boat. Little did she know, she was in the no fishing zone. She looks up from her book to see a police boat zooming over to her. The police officer on the boat said, "Ma'am, what do you think you are doing?" "I'm reading." The woman replied.
"I'm sorry to say that I am going to have to charge you with fishing in a restricted zone," The police officer said, pulling out his notepad, preparing to write a ticket. "But I'm not fishing! I'm reading!" The wife said impatiently. "Yes, but you have all the equimptment. For all I know, you could start up at any moment." The woman crankily replied, "Then I'm afraid I will have to charge you with sexual assault," "But I'm not even touching

2007-08-17 20:06:15 · 10 answers · asked by Marrianne 2

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in His pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

(Old men can still think fast.)

2007-08-17 19:48:36 · 27 answers · asked by Sweety 3

An older Irish pensioner was living alone somewhere in Northern Ireland. He had an only son who had been arrested on suspicion of arms trading.

As he was getting on in years, he began to worry about his ability to dig up his garden to plant potatoes for that year. He wrote to his son in prison about the problem and received a letter back that read the following:

Dad,

Whatever you do, DON’T DIG UP THAT GARDEN - that’s where I buried the guns!!

Your loving son,

Paddy

At 3am the next morning the man was awoken by a dozen British soldiers who proceded to dig up the man’s entire garden only to find no guns.

Bewildered, the man wrote to his son, telling him what happened and asking what he should do next. His son’s reply came:

“Plant your potatoes.”

2007-08-17 19:46:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jane was walking down the street on her way home from work. It was her and her husband's 17th anniversary. As she was walking, she came across a homeless woman. The woman smelled horribly, had bags under her eys, her hair was matted, and looked like she hadnt eaten in weeks. The woman begged Jane for some money. Jane pulled out a 50 dollar bill and asked:
"If I give this to you, you wont go and spend it on makeup, will you?"
the woman responded "Ma'am, I wouldnt spend that on anything but food."
the conversation went on as follows:
jane: "wat about soap?"
woman:"No"
Jane "diet coke?"
woman: "i gave that up after i ofund that i couldnt aford to live and spend wat little money i had on that."
jane "wat about going to the local beauty shop to get your hair, makeup, and nails done?"
woman "i already said id spend it on food."
to which jane exclaimed "Miss, I will not only give you this 50 bucks, but i would also like to take you to dinner tonight with me and my husband"

2007-08-17 19:17:41 · 5 answers · asked by Vi 4

Newton in Romantic mood!

" Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from
One girlfriend to another girlfriend or 1 boyfrnd to another boyfrnd with some loss of money. "



first law:

"a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl
in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until on unless
any external agent(brother or father of the gal or someone) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy."



second law:

" the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance."



third law:

"the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite
to the force applied by the girl while using her sandal

2007-08-17 19:11:41 · 18 answers · asked by risker4you 2

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly,
he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding
a frying pan in hand.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy"
written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse
races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on."

The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.

Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he
is bonked on the head.

Man: "What's that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

2007-08-17 18:57:24 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry I put this in the wrong category.....here it goes!

DEAF
A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?"

The doctor says, "Well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how bad the problem is."

The man goes home, sees his wife and says, "Hi honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer. "Honey, what's for dinner?" He repeats this several times, until he's standing right next to her. Finally, she answers, "For the tenth time, I said we're having Pot Roast!"
5 hours ago - 3 days left to answer. - 6 answers - Report Abuse
You can't answer your own question.

2007-08-17 18:51:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

2007-08-17 18:51:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

A few cans short of a six-pack.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

All foam, no beer.

As smart as bait.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawe.

A room temperature IQ.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't anywhere in sight.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

2007-08-17 18:38:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you get it right, you get the points! Please star my question. Thanks!

2007-08-17 18:18:05 · 47 answers · asked by A Little Birdy 2

The Bored Man

There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, "Why the long face, Ralph?"

"Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me."

His friend says, "No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?"

He says, "Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you." He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, "Hey Ralph, how ya doing?"

He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president.Ralph says, "Sure, we go way back." This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up.

His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. "Well, there must be someone that you don't know." He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, he's a Protestant.'

But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend desides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction.

So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in the Papal square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph.

Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. "What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?"

"No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger standing next to me who said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'"

2007-08-17 18:03:48 · 11 answers · asked by baby _girl_06 3

Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.

He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."

Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "F*CK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"

Billy shakes his head as YES.

Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a c0ck and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."

Billy shakes his head YES.

He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.

When he gets there he askes this guy...

"Could you hold my bum and f*ck it while I get my c0ck and spank it"

2007-08-17 17:54:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the color of my eyes? tell me

2007-08-17 17:52:24 · 35 answers · asked by Huzaifa 3

She was sitting on my lap in my home office drawing on a pad of paper when my wife comes to the doorway and says to the 3year old come with Grandma now. She jumps off my lap in an instant starts running to her grandma but stops in mid flight to come back to me and points her index finger to my belly button area and says I WILL PUT YOU ON PAUSE!!! then jumped away and was off with her grandmother the favorite!!

2007-08-17 17:30:39 · 17 answers · asked by Brick 5

God was talking to Adam and ask Adam which he wanted first,
the good news or the bad news.

Adam chose the good news.

God told him he had made something for him: it would never
wear out, it was warm and slick, it felt good, and would give
a tremendous amount of pleasure in his lifetime.

Adam said that is great and asked what could possibly be the
bad news.

God said that he put a woman in charge of it.

2007-08-17 17:04:52 · 5 answers · asked by I'M GONNA GO PLACES 5

I'm not a fig plucker or a fig plucker's son, but I'll pluck your figs till the fig plucker comes.

I'm a sheet slitter and I slit sheets, and I'm the best sheet slitter that ever slit a sheet.

2007-08-17 16:52:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-17 16:50:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Tammy says "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?"

I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly
.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said,


Shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital.

2007-08-17 16:45:33 · 16 answers · asked by Sweety 3

I think he should be naked, rubbed down with bloody meat, tied down, and let those very dogs that he made fight have at him..and then if he proves not to be a good match for the dogs he should be drowned like he did to the dogs that didn't perform well. It just makes me sick to see that arrogant a$$hole talking about every where he goes he gets support...I for one wouldn't pee down his throat if his guts were on fire.

2007-08-17 16:43:04 · 5 answers · asked by macattack 1

It's nicknamed the gentle giant.

2007-08-17 16:40:18 · 23 answers · asked by Milly 5

2007-08-17 16:04:05 · 2 answers · asked by tradejewel 3

3 men walked into a bar. You would think one of them would have seen it.

2007-08-17 15:36:59 · 16 answers · asked by RAW DIVA™ 5

Joke: For All Those Dirty Minds ...
These may sound bad but the moral at the end is a good one...

I was scared at first.
It was very wide, and very long,
and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.

Now I ride on escalators all the time.

I took my fingers and slowly,
and gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once, twice ... I found I couldn't stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder.
I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth!
All sweet and creamy.
I was done.

And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.

I squeezed it gently at first,
then a little bit harder.
There seemed to be more and more of it
I moved it towards my lips.
It was a strange and new sensation for me.
I put it in my mouth
and moved it around and around with my tongue.
The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out.
It was quite an experience.

The 1st time I tasted toothpaste.

They were both round and firm.
There was only the slightest difference between the two.
I took one in my hand and twisted it hard.
I used my other hand to grab the other one
and twist it hard the other way.

Now there's a brighter light bulb in the living room.

It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers
until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands,
and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

I knew it could be done.
I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it.
I called my friend.
He said he knew how to do it and would teach me.
He put his arms around me and started.
I watched nervously in the mirror.
He finally finished and pulled back slowly.
I felt relieved that it was over.

I hate neckties.

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting.
I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.

But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.

MORAL???

It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.

2007-08-17 15:06:19 · 7 answers · asked by rnrlovin 1

I guy falls madly in love with this woman and they start dating. Things are going great but there's one problem, he's got a wooden leg and doesn't know how to break it to her. He's terrified of being rejected by her so he keeps it a secret and never takes things to far when they make out. Finally they get married and head out on their honeymoon and when they're in bed with the lights off he finally says, "honey I have a big surprise for you" and he puts her hand on his wooden leg.
"My, that is a surprise", she responds, and adds, "well pass the vaseline and we'll see what we can do."

2007-08-17 14:51:47 · 7 answers · asked by seadog 5

What do you get when you cross an elephant, a donkey, and a kidnapping?

Getting that @$$ into the trunk.

2007-08-17 13:47:13 · 10 answers · asked by ? 1

A magician was driving down the road...then he turned into a drive way...

Why don't aliens eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
I have no I-deer.

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other: "Funny, I smell carrots too."

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.

This last one (no offense to women):

What do you do when your wife's staggering?
Shoot her again.

2007-08-17 13:42:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I do. lOL. it's hilarious seeing my grandma's look of pure hate

2007-08-17 13:31:08 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Which animal walks on four legs in the morning, on two legs at noon, and on three legs in the evening?

2007-08-17 13:15:14 · 10 answers · asked by suga...honey honey 5

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers



Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

****************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

****************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

******************************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

*****************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.



San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

******************************************************************************************************

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.



"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


*******************************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

*****************************************************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

********************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.



Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

2007-08-17 13:11:17 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Ok a bunch of kids are at school when thier parents are picking them up and one asks "Daddy why was I named Lily?" and the dad says "because a lily landed on your head when you were born." The next kid says "Mommy why was I named Rose?'' So the mom responds "because a rose landed on your head when you where born."

Then one kids starts spinning around and falls and a pole so the parent yells "Stop it Brick!"

2007-08-17 12:08:52 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous