English Deutsch Français Italiano Español Português 繁體中文 Bahasa Indonesia Tiếng Việt ภาษาไทย
All categories

Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and "voila", everything else was automatic!! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. But when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.

He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but none would remove it. Panicking, he called the supplier's Customer Service Hotline. The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?" Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 litres of milk."

2007-08-18 09:17:59 · 21 answers · asked by "!" 5

Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

2007-08-18 09:10:05 · 19 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

favorite food???

it can be any kind.....indian, chinese, italian....

2007-08-18 09:03:28 · 6 answers · asked by ღßutterflyღ 3

"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
"A little. What's wrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

2007-08-18 08:52:19 · 12 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

Dogs' Views on Changing Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog's point of view....

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!

ROTTWEILER: Make me.

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet

2007-08-18 08:52:10 · 19 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

2007-08-18 08:01:25 · 4 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

2007-08-18 07:58:26 · 6 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

2007-08-18 07:55:13 · 14 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

The best answer will be voted on. :]

2007-08-18 07:47:05 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a young fellow named Skinner,
Who took a young lady to dinner.
They sat down to dine
At a quarter past nine,
And at quarter past ten, it was in her.
(The dinner was in her, not Skinner--
Skinner was in her before dinner.)

There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper.
They sat down to dine
At a quarter past nine,
And at quarter past ten, it was up her.
(Not Tupper, and not the supper--
It was some son of a ***** named Skinner!)

2007-08-18 07:37:43 · 2 answers · asked by gamblin man 6

Al Gore, Rosie O'Donnell & Leo DeCrappio are sitting in a hot tub...

2007-08-18 07:26:40 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

This blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurised?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my chin."

2007-08-18 07:22:22 · 12 answers · asked by "!" 5

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".

"Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

2007-08-18 07:20:45 · 16 answers · asked by "!" 5

He’s charming and handsome and slim
But Mary is dumping her Tim:
He’s unfaithful and brash
And won’t put out the trash,
Although all the trash put out for him.


I awoke late last night in my bed
With a grandiose scheme in my head
For ascending Mount Everest,
But it wasn’t my cleverest,
So I went to the bathroom instead.


“This looks like two squid on two bikes,”
Said the surgeon of poor Michael Sykes,
As he held up the tumor
(He just loved stand-up humor
And could never resist open Mikes).


Arthur Jones to his bride-to-be said,
“I can shoot off this pear from your head.”
Then he missed by a hair,
But he still split a pair,
For there’s lead in the miss he misled


A gambler in debt far too deep
Was needing a way to live cheap,
So he planted by hand
Lots of crops on his land.
Now he just has to weed ‘em and reap.

STAR if funny

2007-08-18 07:07:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

whoever answers right first will get best answer?

2007-08-18 06:39:52 · 11 answers · asked by Larry V 1

There was a young fellow from Sparta
Who was an incredible farter.
On the strength of one bean,
He played "God Save the Queen"
And Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata".

2007-08-18 06:36:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

the train went into a tunnel and all the people heard a loud smooch as if someone kissed someone and then a loud slap(It was pitch black), the train came out of the tunnel and George Bush was holding his face as if he had just been slapped,
Hillary imediatly thought that George leaned into kiss her but missed and got Saddam, and then he was slapped
George thought that Al kissed Hillary and she thought it was him so she slapped him,
Saddam thought that George kissed Hillary and she slapped him,




Al thought, if we go into another tunnel, i can make that smooch sound and slap George again,








hope you all liked it, i know it was kinda long and i prob spelled somin wrong but a whell, best answer 10 pts, show your grattitude

2007-08-18 06:30:18 · 5 answers · asked by iluvchristianity 2

Two men are talking to each other...

1: Do you know, when i die i want to die like my grandfather but not like my three uncles.

2: Well, how did your grandfather die?

1: He feel into a deep sleep and never woke again.

2: yes, well how did your 3 uncles die?

1: Well they were in the car with him.

:-)

2007-08-18 06:30:02 · 11 answers · asked by Dave 2

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does he always...

2007-08-18 06:04:27 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ben decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy
had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed
Ben that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a
12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Ben felt this was also the time for him to open up and
admit that he had a deformity too. Ben looked Sandy in the eyes and
said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an
infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes I will marry you because I love you sooo much and I
will learn to live with your infant-sized penis."


Sandy and Ben got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Ben whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started
touching, teasing, holding one another...as Sandy put her hands in
Ben's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room. Ben ran
after her to find out what was wrong.


She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant."


"Yes, it is," Ben replied.... "7 pounds, 3 ounces, 19 inches long..."

2007-08-18 05:48:21 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers.

Nicholas Cage, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office oomph of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to
select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Cage, "I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Beethoven has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I’ll play him."

"I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I’d like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says........

"I’ll be Bach."

2007-08-18 05:44:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the box it says "You can do it, we can help."

2007-08-18 05:13:19 · 11 answers · asked by verleybe 4

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped, and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the TV remote."

2007-08-18 05:02:40 · 13 answers · asked by puma 4

here's a contest for writing the funniest haiku. whichever makes me laugh the most will get best answer.

if you don't know what a haiku is it's a poem that has three lines. the first having five syllables and the second having seven and the third having five again. it is generally unrhymed. and here's an example written by your's truly:

i wrote this haiku
with out saying anything
and you just read it.

2007-08-18 05:01:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

6

A very poor father and son looking to eat have no food. The father turns to the boy and says, "Son, go to the store and see what you can get with this small chunk of change i have."
The boy takes the change from his father and makes his journey to the store.
The boy walks in the store and looks around to see what he can afford with the small amount of change. He comes across a big wedge of cheese. He asks the store owner, "Sir, may i have a sample of this?"
The store owner gives the boy a sample.
The boy tastes the cheese and loves the way it tastes. He notices the price of the cheese and says to himself, "Papa wld love this cheese. I have to let him try this."
The boy runs home and gives his father the cheese. The father tastes the cheese and agrees that the cheese is delicious. "Son, what kind of cheese is this?"
"Nacho cheese." he says confident.
"How do you know?"
"Cus papa, when i ran out the store, the store owner yelled, 'Hey son! That's NOT CHO cheese!!

2007-08-18 04:39:59 · 16 answers · asked by Pecan Pie 2

they give him a dice and tell him if he throws between 1 to 5 they will give him a good kicking. the chav asked what happens if he throws a 6 the skinhead said you get another go.

2007-08-18 04:33:53 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

LESSON to be learned from typing the
wrong e-mail
address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to
Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned
to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years
before. Because of their hectic
schedules, it was difficult to
coordinate their travel schedules. So,
the husband left Minneapolis and flew
to Florida on Friday, and his wife
was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel,
and unlike years ago, there was a
computer in his room, and he decided
to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one
letter in her e-mail address, and
without noticing his error, sent the e-
mail to the wrong address.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston ... a
widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a
Minister who was called home to glory
after suffering a heart attack. The
widow decided to check her e-mail,
expecting messages from relatives

2007-08-18 04:05:49 · 32 answers · asked by kaybielle 3

3 men

phonebox ring. man 1 answers. phone man tells him blow up car. man 1 blows up car. phoneman ask "how many letters in alphabet.
man1 "26"
phoneman gives him money.

phonebox ring. man 2 answers. phone man tells him blow up lorry. man 1 blows up lorry. phoneman ask "how many letters in alphabet.
man2 "26"
phoneman gives him money.

phonebox ring. man 3 answers. phone man tells him blow up building. man 3 blows up car. phoneman ask "how many letters in alphabet.
man3 "24"
phoneman asks "how".

man3 says "i just blew up B&Q"

for those who don't know B&Q is a hardware store.

2007-08-18 03:56:18 · 42 answers · asked by Crimson Crow 3

There is a picture of a Rower in a boat! Then a picture of a dial pointing to HI! Then a & sign?

It is suppose to be a American State?

2007-08-18 03:31:37 · 8 answers · asked by tinkerbell 3

2007-08-18 03:29:22 · 24 answers · asked by ♥That.One.Girl♥ 7

fedest.com, questions and answers