Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

There was a blonde crying and her nieghbor came over to find out wats wrong and then she said that my mom died. So the neighbor comforted her and left the house.

The next day she found the blonde crying again. She asked her wat was wrong and the blond said "i just got of the phone with my sister. and her mom died too!!"


wat do u think?

i u like it gimmie a star!!

2007-08-19 13:56:20 · 17 answers · asked by ♪Sparkles and Cats♫ 3

send her what and tell her what?

2007-08-19 13:43:48 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

while camping with my mom we were coming back from a river and we had to go walk this grashopper field. as my mom walked through it she screamed and walking very soon turned into running. when i asked my brother who screamed and why my mom was running i laughed. i didn't like going through there either but not cuz i'm scared of grasshoppers, cuz they were hopping everywhere and constantly touching my leg which made it uncomfy to walk through there. so is this funny?

2007-08-19 13:22:08 · 14 answers · asked by Hunny b 4

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God ~gay~ or -straight-?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both ~gay~ and -straight-."

At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

2007-08-19 12:54:08 · 12 answers · asked by happytohelp 2

I'm really bored and stuck at home with no siblings, friends and nothing to do. Can someone help me to do something fun?

2007-08-19 12:53:16 · 5 answers · asked by I'm not willing to eat salt 2

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students . The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

2007-08-19 11:56:35 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

i have the phone number for a pay phone outside a mcdonalds. loads of funs especially when i stand where i can see people walking by it.

10 things to say for prank calls.

10. "wrong number, eh? well for a wrong number you sure have a pretty voice."

9. "hi i'm from 21st century realtors and i'm selling house made from pancakes and the souls of little children."

8. scream: "BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!!!"

7. "give me your money. you're not giving it to me! GIVE IT TO ME FASTER!!"

6. "hey, i was just wondering if... boy are you ugly."

5. "cool! i've never found anything that cool in a hole before and i've explored just about every hole there is!"

4. "d***it! i'm mad!"

3. "happy mother's day."

2. "politics makes me soooooo horny."

1. "most toilets flush in E flat."


when i answer the phone i say one of the following:

"guitar center, chad speaking."

"anthony's pizza how may i help you?"

"tech support. it's your fault."

2007-08-19 11:46:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer’s wife was in her kitchen cooking one morning. She picked up a can of Carnation milk and read on the label about a contest the company was having. Whoever submitted the best slogan for their product would win $50. She sat down with a pencil and paper and wrote . . . "Carnation Milk, best in the land. Comes to you in a red and white can." She couldn't think of anything else at the moment so she pushed the paper aside and went about her chores.

Later in the day her husband came in from the field and sat down at the table for a glass of ice tea and saw the letter his wife had started. After reading the about the contest on the can label he picked up the pencil, wrote some more to the slogan, sealed it in an envelope and put it in the mail box.

Two weeks later the farmer’s wife checked the mail and was surprised to see a letter from Carnation Milk as she had completely forgot about the contest. She opened the enveloped and inside was a $50 check and a letter. The letter said "Congratulations! You are the lucky winner! Enclosed is a check and a copy of your slogan. Confused, she read the enclosed slogan.

Carnation Milk, best in the land.
Comes to you in a red and white can.
No t*ts to squeeze, no hay to pitch.
Just poke a hole in the son of a b***h!

2007-08-19 11:38:00 · 23 answers · asked by pd6491 2

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little

to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

2007-08-19 11:07:24 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Another Brain teaser:

Chuck & Joe work n a coal mine. At the end of the day, Chuck & Joe come out of the mine and bid each other farewell for the night.

Chuck's face is dirty and Joe's face is clean.

As Chuck & Joe set out for home, Joe wipes hs face and Chuck doesn't bother.

Since both men appreciate cleanliness, why doesn't Chuck clean his face?

** Best Answer awarded to the person that's closest to the right answer

2007-08-19 11:06:57 · 6 answers · asked by Tracy C 2

In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

2007-08-19 11:01:45 · 21 answers · asked by "!" 5

Doctor says to lawyer We were born on the same year, month, day, and minute. We were born in the same hospital, hospital room and we have the same 2 parents. We are not twins and we have no brothers. Explain this.

2007-08-19 10:06:27 · 13 answers · asked by BrothaAli 3

Note: This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using paper and a pen.
Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.


What is the total? (scroll down for answer)








Did you get 5000?






















The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don' t believe it? Check with your calculator!
The decimal sequence confuses our brain, that always jumps to the highest decimals (100s instead of 10s).

2007-08-19 10:04:13 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

can any1 spell fish w/o using the regular spelling of "fish"?


***HINT!:letter sounds***

closest to get it will get best answer unless they get it correct

u must say why u spelt it the way u did

2007-08-19 09:51:47 · 15 answers · asked by Bob B 3

She was wearing mittens

2007-08-19 09:30:13 · 5 answers · asked by Emtie El © 5

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,_ How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is
way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now."

2007-08-19 08:59:27 · 11 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

An insurance salesman came to the door and asked the woman of the house if she would like to buy some insurance for her family.She said yes. The salesman then said, "How many children do you have?" She replied 3. The salesman then asked "what ages are the children"? "That is getting too personal" she replied. "WIll you give me a clue" the salesman asked. "If you add the ages of my children togethr they will equal the address of my next door neighbor". The salesman runs quickly next door and returns. He is panting as he says, I
need one more clue. The woman smiles and says, "My oldest child plays the piano." Do you know the ages of the children?
and can someone please explain how they figured it out?

2007-08-19 08:55:13 · 7 answers · asked by leslie j 1

finish the sentence.

2007-08-19 08:50:53 · 12 answers · asked by jane doe 3

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"

2007-08-19 08:47:15 · 3 answers · asked by confused 4

This Is Mine
zamrsdss
Everybody This Is Not Making Fun Of People This is just to see what we come up with so please dont delete it i cant lose this again so others can type corectly with there eyes colsed but some cant so please dont report this question or else ur gonna have to show ur self sonner or later!!!!

2007-08-19 08:35:09 · 18 answers · asked by ♥Christofer Drew and Adam Young ♥ 2

Doc was giving talk on involuntary muscle contraction and thought he should liven the lectrue to make it more interesting, so he points to a lady sitting in the front row and says Do you know what ur *** hole is doing when your having an orgasm, Lady replies, he is probably out playing golf with his friends

2007-08-19 07:01:10 · 4 answers · asked by little star 4

i can bring you joy i can bring you sorrow i bring you faith i last a moment which last you a life time what am i

2007-08-19 07:00:09 · 5 answers · asked by help 1

Senator Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't, the cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.

He was carrying a bottle of whiskey in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the whiskey, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I told them I was Hillary Clinton's driver, and I had just killed the old cow.

2007-08-19 06:07:21 · 14 answers · asked by Jaimee1987 5

because they cant spell tobagan.

2007-08-19 05:40:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

- Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.

- Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes... in case you doze off in the middle.

- Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF !

- Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin... just in case!

- Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.

2007-08-19 03:37:33 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

2007-08-19 03:34:47 · 5 answers · asked by Sweety 3

Farmer smila lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer smila called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING


Three days later Farmer smila called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

2007-08-19 03:17:31 · 17 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that is about to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. Then he sneezes again, unzips, and wipes himself off again with the handkerchief.

The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"

"Pepper," he answers.

2007-08-19 01:35:10 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

STAR if funny

2007-08-19 00:12:27 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the top of the jar off."

2007-08-18 23:51:28 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4