Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-08-20 22:00:31 · 5 answers · asked by Zack 2

When he arrived the Devil offered him three ways to spend eternity. At the first door the Devil showed him Newt Gingrich hanging from the ceiling with a fire raging beneath him.
'No thank you' said Clinton 'Thats not how I want to spend eternity'.
They went to the second door where Rush Limbaugh was chained to the wall being tortured.
'Thats not for me either' said Clinton
So they moved onto the third door. Behind it was Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky, on her knees , giving him a seeing to.
Clintons face lit up 'Yeah looks OK to me. I'll take it'
The Devil said 'Good, Hey, Monica, you've been replaced'

2007-08-20 21:46:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Indians and three English are travelling by train
to a
>> >
>> >cricket > > > > > match at the World Cup in England. At the
station, the
>> >three > English > > > > > guys each buy a ticket and watch as the
three
>> >Indians buy just one > > > ticket > > > > > between them. "How are
the
>> >three of you going to travel on only one > > > > > ticket?" asks
one of
>>the
>> >English. "Watch and learn," answers one > of > > > the > > > > >
>>Indians. >
>> > > > > > > > > > > They all board the train. The English take their
>> >respective seats > but > > > all > > > > > three Indians cram into
a
>>toilet
>> >and close the door behind them. > > > > > > > > > > Shortly after
the
>>train
>> >has departed, the conductor comes around > > > > > collecting
tickets.
>>He
>> >knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket > > > > > please." The
door
>> >opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with > a > > > > >
ticket in
>> >hand. > > > > > > > > > > The conductor takes it and moves on. The
>>English
>> >see this and agree > > it > > > > > was quite a clever idea. So
after
>>the
>> >game, they decide to copy the > > > > > Indians on the return trip
and
>>save
>> >some money (being clever with > > > money, > > > > > and all that).
> >
>> > >
>> > > > > > > > When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket
for
>>the
>> > > return > > > > > trip. To their astonishment, the Indians don't
buy a
>> >ticket at all > > "How > > > > > are you going to travel without a
>>ticket?"
>> >says one perplexed > English > > > > > guys. "Watch and learn,"
answers
>>an
>> >Indian. > > > > > > > > > > When they board the train the three
English
>> >guys cram into a toilet > > and > > > > > soon after the three
Indians
>>cram
>> >into another nearby. The train > > > departs. > > > > > > > > > > >
> >
>> > >
>> >Shortly afterwards, one of the Indians leaves the toilet and walks
> > >
>> >over > > > > > to the toilet where the English are hiding. He
knocks on
>>the
>> >door > > and > > > > > says, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > >
>> >
>> > > > "Ticket please". > > > >

2007-08-20 21:38:56 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just a reminder........

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

2007-08-20 21:25:11 · 9 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

A man in a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says, “I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

“Sorry. I didn’t realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much,” the passenger says.

“It’s not your fault,” replies the cabbie. “Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse.”

2007-08-20 21:15:38 · 5 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

In a hotel in Vienna:
"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter"

Germany's Black Forest:
"It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

Zurich hotel:
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby area be used for this purpose."

Translation from a Russian chess book:
"A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played."

Dentists in Hong Kong:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodist."

A Roman laundry:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

Czech Tourist agency:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages."

Thai donkey rides:
"Would you like to ride on your own ***?"

2007-08-20 20:12:37 · 22 answers · asked by SEJ71 3

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

2007-08-20 20:10:20 · 6 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

a watermelon weigh 100 lbs..99 % of it is water..after it sits in the sun it depreciates to 98% of water..how much does it weigh?

2007-08-20 17:13:34 · 7 answers · asked by Holly 2

A younge female blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who also asks the blonde to move. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the head stewardess tells the co-pilot that there is a young female blonde who refuses to go to her right seat and insists to stay in first class.

The co-pilot says, "Oh, let me handle this, my wife's a blonde, I speak blonde." So the co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her right seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her that first class isn't going to Jamaica"

2007-08-20 16:32:25 · 25 answers · asked by blackfirescorpio05 3

TRY TO COME UP WITH FUNNY PEOPLE TO PUT.
NOT SERIUS PEOPLE

2007-08-20 16:24:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is the name of that one thing that you can buy were u can use it to turn of any tv. not a remote control. u can use it at like a restaurant if there is a tv there and u can just turn it off with that thing. i herd about it on the news a while ago. and i wanna buy one. if u no anything about it or were i can buy one please tell me. thanks!!

2007-08-20 16:18:16 · 21 answers · asked by #1 padres fan 3

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said

2007-08-20 16:14:09 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Have you noticed how similar the words marital and martial are? Hahaha...

:)

2007-08-20 16:08:30 · 7 answers · asked by cve5190 4

2007-08-20 15:59:28 · 19 answers · asked by shakira 1

The wave, over the wave, a weird thing I saw, through-wrought, and wonderfully ornate: a wonder on the wave-water became bone.

2007-08-20 14:59:14 · 4 answers · asked by AxNxG 2

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
_____________________________________
How do you keep a Blonde busy(see below)
How do you keep a Blonde busy(see above)
________________________________________
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, ''What for? Are you going to set it on fire!''

2007-08-20 14:38:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

2007-08-20 14:30:23 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was the best in his preschool and the teacher liked him so much, she gave him an assignment. "Tomorrow, when you come back, you have to know the first five letters of the alphabet."

At home Johnny doesn't forget about his assignment. He goes to his older sister, Sarah, who is on the phone, and asks her, "What is the first letter of the alphabet?". "Shut up," she says.

Figuring she’s busy, he goes to his older brother, Tommy, who is watching T.V. "What is the second letter of the alphabet?"
"Nah Nah Nah Nah Batman!" he replies. He wasn't paying any attention to Johnny and was only focusing on his favorite show Batman.

While Johnny was walking around, he decides he needs to know the third letter of the alphabet. He goes to his oldest sister who is doing her math homework and once again not paying any attention to Johnny. "What is the third letter of the alphabet?" he says! "400! Yeah!," replies his sister doing her math.

2007-08-20 14:24:48 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act.

Before his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed.

Johnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping.

Johnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

2007-08-20 14:16:35 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

2007-08-20 14:14:07 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall

2007-08-20 13:46:22 · 5 answers · asked by Joe 1

The Junk Mail Song


Undisclosed recipients-you've won the jackpot!

Don't you ever get tired of saying, what-What?

Click right here to become a millionaire,

Get your money ready and take the dare!

Overseas Pharmacy- we've got your pills,

Just click right here for a big ole thrill!

Yeah say good bye to that ole ED,

This little blue pill is all you need!



My great grandfather he passed away,

He lived in Nigeria but what the hay?

He left a fortune for you to spend,

Cause we couldn't find his next of kin!

Read e-mails for 25 dollars a hit,

I think those people are full of… spit!


Want to buy a Rolex? You know its fake,

First thing you read before you're even awake!

Credit Card Company forgot your password,

Just type in another one you silly ole bird!

Fill in the information for your bank account,

And click right here-we're going to clean you out!

Free 500 dollar gift card for you,

Click right here and boy you're really screwed!


My great grandfather he passed away,

He lived in Nigeria but what the hay?

He left a fortune for you to spend,

Cause we couldn't find his next of kin!

Read e mails for 25 dollars a hit,

I think those people are full of… spit!


15 hundred dollars for typing at home,

Click right here and work your fingers to the bone!

Casinos and games and girls and blackjack,

Just click right here and you'll be in the black!

Guaranteed traffic for your website,

The whole damn world is going to see it tonight!

Start your own home business my friend,

Just click right here-you'll never see the end!


My great grandfather he passed away,

He lived in Nigeria but what the hay?

He left a fortune for you to spend,

Cause we couldn't find his next of kin!

Read emails for 25 dollars a hit,

I think those people are full of… spit!


Want to lose weight-want to meet a girlfriend?

Just click right here and send your money in!

My new guy's tool is really- really big!

Do you think I care? Shut up you pig!

If you want to opt out just click right here,

But you're wasting your time cause we don't care!

We'll take you right off of our mailing list,

Then put you right back on after you click this!


Read e-mails for 25 dollars a hit,

I think those people are full of…shh-

What's that word again? Yeah,

That's what I'm talking about!


© 2007 Oscar McLeod

2007-08-20 13:38:09 · 4 answers · asked by teri 2

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

I haven't posted new ones lately but i'll try =P become my fans to get latest jokes

2007-08-20 13:36:30 · 4 answers · asked by Joe 1

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

2007-08-20 13:31:34 · 12 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

what is unique about the sentence "rats live on no evil star"?

2007-08-20 13:24:50 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Signs and notices
- "How To Repair Your VCR." - The title of a how-to video tape.

- "Great New Taste!" and "Same Great Taste!" - On opposite sides of a drink cooler in a grocery store.

- "Ears pierced while you wait." - A sign in a shop.

- "Free Parking ($1.50 per day)" - A sign at a parking lot in Ocean City, Maryland.

- "If you can’t read or write, phone this number."

- "Lunch and Learn Seminar: ’Who’s controlling your life?’ (get your manager’s permission before attending)" -- The contents of a flyer for corporate seminar.

- "We are sorry, but these toilets are out of order. Please use floor." -- A sign on a shopping center’s restroom door, indicating that the restroom was closed. The sign was intended to give directions to the nearest open restroom, but the staff had forgotten to fill in the blank.

- "Shoe Rental: Adults: $2.00. Seniors and Children: $2.00." -- A sign in a bowling alley in Katy, TX.

- "Do not open this door when locked." -- A sign on a gym door.

- "Speed Limit 5 Miles per hour" / "No vehicles beyond this point" -- Two signs on the same sign post at a camp site.

- "A reminder to all lady Lancers that you are not to wear t-shirt tank tops on campus. If you do so, you will be asked to remove them." -- An announcement that appeared in a Hilltop High School (Home of the Lancers) bulletin.

2007-08-20 13:24:31 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy named Pete was at a bar. He just stared at his drink without any expression. The guy sitting next to him, a truck driver, said, "Hey, if you ain't gonna drink that, then I will." He gulped it all down. Pete started to burst into tears.The truck driver said, "Come on now. I can't stand seeing a man cry. I'll buy you another drink." Pete wiped his tears and said, "No, no. It's not just that. My alarm clock broke this morning and I overslept. My boss fired me. I leave and somebody had stolen my car. The police searched everywhere, but couldn't find it. I got a cab home and relized I left my wallet, keys, and cell in there. I climbed through the window and catch my wife in bed with my neighbor. I walked to this bar and wanted to put an end to all this and tried to kil myself, but you come and drink my poison."

2007-08-20 12:53:55 · 39 answers · asked by 11:11 pm<3 4

A mother and her teenage daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
"She's been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried abou ther," said the mother.The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you dear?"
"No mommy," said the girl. "Why you know that I have never so
much as kissed a boy!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there
something wrong out there?" "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like
this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was goint to show up."

2007-08-20 11:46:01 · 25 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

How long would it take for meat to spoil, it absolutely nothing had been done to it? ex. salted.

2007-08-20 11:37:14 · 11 answers · asked by Isa . 2

HOW?

2007-08-20 11:26:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous