Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

2007-08-20 11:25:53 · 3 answers · asked by confused 4

heres another joke!

so, i always hated going to wedddings, because all these random old relatives (that ive never met...) come up to me and pinch my cheeks saying "you are next!" but, u know what? i love going to funerals because i can go up to all my old relatives and pinch there cheeks and say "you are next!"

ok, so not that funny, but.... gives me a laugh!

ps... did i mention i really like stars! they are so shiny and prrrrretty!

2007-08-20 10:56:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am really bored and could use a good laugh. Any funny jokes our anythign funny to be said at all would be gladly appreciated. First one I laugh at gets the points thanks

2007-08-20 10:48:14 · 8 answers · asked by panda7504 4

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the sh*t out of college students!"

2007-08-20 09:50:16 · 12 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Dan is going over to his fiance's parents house for the first time. Bill, his father in law, really hates Dan, and keeps giving him the evil eye.

They all sit down for dinner, and the guy heres that they're serving beans.

"Great", the guy thinks to himself, "I had chilli for lunch, my stomach isnt going to do very well."

He eats it anyway, and a few minutes later he really needed to fart. So he lets out a little one. "Squeek!"

Bill looks at the dog behind Dan's chair, and yells, "REX!"

"Nice," Dan thinks again, "he thinks it's the dog"

So he lets out another one...."Buuuuuuuuurrrrm!"

"REX!" yells Bill

Then he really had to let loose so the guy slightly leans to the side, and lets out a huge one!!!

"PPPPUUUURRRMMPPPP!!!!!!!"

"REX! God dammit!!! Move out of the way before he craps all over you!!!!"


♥♥♥♥♥

2007-08-20 09:40:06 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Peanut♥ 2

put petrol on it and set it alight.

2007-08-20 09:38:46 · 6 answers · asked by random mentalist. 3

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."

"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went th rough college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided togo back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

2007-08-20 09:32:37 · 11 answers · asked by Mom of three beautiful kids. 5

Instead of an airbag, there’s a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel

You lose the traffic light getaway race to a milk float

Joyriders have stolen every car in the street except yours...even though you leave it unlocked

For the past five years you’ve had to settle for making 'vroom vroom' noises while sitting on the driveway

Only the Garfield on the side window is holding the car together

You keep losing dates on left turns

The stench from the bodies in the trunk is becoming unbearable

2007-08-20 09:26:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

because they're plugged into a genius

2007-08-20 09:23:05 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

One rainy night, skyblue the taxi driver spots an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolls to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaps into the cab and slams the door. Checking his mirror as he pulls away, skyblue is startled to see a dripping wet, naked daggers sitting in the back seat.
"Er ................... where to?" he stammers.
"The staition," says daggers.
"Ok," says skyblue, taking another long glance in the mirror.
Daggers catches him staring and says, "What are you looking at, driver?"
Skyblue says, "Well, i'd noticed you're completely naked and was wondering how you'll pay your fare."
Nodding slowly, daggers spreads her legs and puts her feet up on the back of the front seat.
Daggers smiles at skyblue and says,"Does that answer your question?"
"Bloody hell," cries skyblue. "Got anything smaller?"

2007-08-20 08:38:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I am just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I'm lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

2007-08-20 08:35:46 · 18 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

lets see whos the funniest

2007-08-20 08:35:09 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

so the fist prostitute starts strippng the other two ask why so she says when it crashes they will rescue me first.so the secon done strips and puts make up on so they will rescue her first so the the third one a black prostitute strips off and spreads her legs so the other two say why are you doing that. because they always look for the black box first

2007-08-20 08:32:58 · 9 answers · asked by darren v 2

Fidgetyfingers goes to her therapist and moans, "Every time we're in bed and my husband has an orgasm, he lets out an earsplitting yell."
The therapist says, "Thats completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
She says, "It wakes me up."

2007-08-20 08:27:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

MUST SELL...before it falls apart

RUNS FINE...I was going to say 'runs excellent' but I had a last minute conscience attack

NEEDS SOME BODY WORK...was blind sided by a Winnebago

WELL MANTAINED...I changed the oil occasionally

ALL ORIGINAL...I never had anything fixed, adjusted or replaced

LOADED WITH OPTIONS...each one more troublesome than the last

NEVER SMOKED IN...unfortunately, that’s the best thing I can say about it

A REAL CHERRY...its the pits

ONLY ONE OWNER...difficult to sell

GREAT ACCELERATION...downhill

LOOKS LIKE NEW...just don’t drive it anywhere

GREAT SECOND CAR...you wouldn’t want to depend on it for primary transportation

LOTS OF POTENTIAL...doesn’t run

NEEDS MINOR REPAIR...doesn’t run

2007-08-20 07:27:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the year 2000,a Belgium man went to his local priest and confessed: 'forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the Second World War, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.’
'That’s not a sin,’ said the priest. ‘It was an act of great kindness.'
'But I made him agree to pay thirty five francs for every week he stayed.'
'I admit that wasn’t particularly charitable, 'said the priest, ‘but you did it for a good cause.'
'Thank you, father,’ said the man. ‘That is a great relief to me. I have just one more question.'
'What’s that?'
'Do I have to tell him the war is over?'

2007-08-20 07:00:01 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-08-20 06:33:59 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of Archaeologists found a fossil and identified Adam and Eve remains. How did they know which one was Eve's?

2007-08-20 06:13:33 · 8 answers · asked by j_money91 1

2007-08-20 06:13:09 · 19 answers · asked by MUSIC <3 3

Somebody tell me something funny. Summer vacation's getting boring.

2007-08-20 06:13:03 · 15 answers · asked by ? 1

Operation
A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.

A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.

When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”

He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the halls.”

2007-08-20 06:01:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

2007-08-20 06:01:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mine are, I did not climb the food chain to be a vegeterian and 99% of lawers give the rest a bad name.

2007-08-20 05:59:14 · 11 answers · asked by PARVFAN 7

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

2007-08-20 05:57:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know I just asked you guys this, but no one will answer! And there's no one in singles and dating, so you guys will just have to help me!!

Okay, there's this guy I like, but neither of us has ever had a date in our lives. He's a few years older than me and I'm not old enough to date. We don't go to the same school and the only time we see eachother is at church. How do I start a conversation? What are some good subjects? What are some flirty tricks that are guranteed to make him like me? Anything else that I need help with!!! Please help!! Kudos to best answer.


P.S. He's good at singing but doesn't belong to a specific choir, he's really good at piano, and I think he likes basketball.

2007-08-20 05:35:56 · 20 answers · asked by Miz Gorgeous 2

A family is sitting around the supper table.
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter.
So the daughter said " Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!

2007-08-20 05:00:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

....it is suggested that you should walk a mile in the other mans shoes.

That way, you are a mile away, and you have his shoes.

2007-08-20 04:05:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

New york because since 9/11 you could put them through sieve

LOL@THAT

2007-08-20 03:53:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I chased a man for two years then learnt we liked the same thing-men!

2007-08-20 03:52:10 · 13 answers · asked by Plato 5

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

2007-08-20 03:49:59 · 16 answers · asked by Fabe 6