lets see whos the funniest
2007-08-20 08:35:09 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
2007-08-20 08:40:27 · answer #1 · answered by mskaityw 3 · 5⤊ 1⤋
There is this comedian at an airport. Apparently, the airport security tightened up so of course this big guard comes up to him and starts interrogating him. Remember though, the comedian is being interrogated so the conversation went really fast and the comedian found the need to answer quickly [well, duh he's being interrogated]. So, anyway, the convo went out like this:
G: Where are you going?
C: Chicago
G: What for?
C: Stand-up comedy.
G: You a comedian?
C: Yeah.
G: Say something funny.
C: Yourrrr good-looking!
I guess the comedian didn't make it pass the security check point. :P Unless the security guy was a sport and had a laugh.
If I were the guard, I would've tasered the guy.
2007-08-20 09:32:37 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
1st person: Did you Hear what happened to that girl from Legally blond ?
2nd person: No What?
1st person: She got stabbed! What her last name again Resse.. Resse
2nd peson: Witherspoon?
1st person:No she got stabbed with a knife you idiot!
I know its stupid but its somewhat funny
Genies
A married couple of 15 years were playing golf the wife had never before in her life played so as they were hitting on the 9th hole the wife's ball went another direction and broke a window of a house little less then a mile away.So they went to go apologise to the owner.
When they got there they noticed a lamp was on the floor shattered into many tic tac size pieces. the man who owned the house came down and said you have broke the curse on the lamp i am free!! Im a genie you see and now i shall grant you three wishes. the wife is so excited go she just blurts out i wish we had a vaction home in Aspen. done said the genie
next the husband wished for a billion dollars on this kitchen table everyday.
Lastly they both agreed to wish for a child and the genie siad done.They the genie said before you go i have a request i havent done anyone in years because of that lamp could i do your wife since i granted your three wishes. sure the couple say 4 hours later they come back downstairs
the husband says i can't believe you guys have been up there for 4 hours.
then the genie says i cant believe you guys still believe in genies!
2007-08-20 09:09:34 · answer #3 · answered by lollypop8493 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Talking Clock
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup" replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:
"FOR The Love of God, YOU ASSHOLE....it's three o'clock in the morning!"
2007-08-21 12:35:50 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
The brothel where Lola works is raided by the police. All the girls are lined up outside for questioning by the police, when Lola's 95 year old gran comes by. Not wanting gran to know that she's a prostitute she tells her gran that the police are giving out free oranges. So gran lines up.The police man asks how she does it at her age. No problem says gran, I take out me teeth, rip back the skin & suck 'em dry. The cop fainted!!
2007-08-20 08:58:12 · answer #5 · answered by turkishydelight 2 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Q.why did they call an ambalance at the chip shop?
A. because the fish got baterd
2007-08-20 08:44:04 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
a lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A drunk sitting at the bar says, " hey, where'd you get the pig?"
The lady says, "this isn't a pig" the drunk says, " I was talking to the duck."
2007-08-20 08:47:26 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
A drunk man was walking home when he sees a man by the road with the hood up on his car.
"what's yer problem dude?"
"Piston broke" the man said.
"Me too, that's why I'm walkin home"
2007-08-20 08:49:46 · answer #8 · answered by Limestoner62 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
A woman posts an ad in the newspaper saying ´ looking for a man who wont beat me up or run away and is good in bed'
one day a man turned up at her door: ' hi im bob, i dont have arms so i wont beat you up and i dont have any legs so i wont run away' what makes u think ur good in bed replies the woman ' ´i rang the door bell didnt i?´
2007-08-20 08:44:41 · answer #9 · answered by wondergirl 4 · 5⤊ 2⤋
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
2007-08-20 09:09:22 · answer #10 · answered by revmccormick 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋