Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

The dummy refused to pay his Tailor for Ironing his pants.

2007-08-16 08:35:03 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat
runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

2007-08-16 08:32:30 · 24 answers · asked by "!" 5

Mine is:
3 blondes trapped on a deserted island and discover a lamp.
1st blonde rubs it and a genie appears.
He grants them one wish each.
1st blonde says: "I really want to get off this island. Can you turn me into a redhead?"
Genie grants her wish and she turns into a redhead and she turns a lot smarter, figures outwhere the mainland is, and swims to safety.
2nd blonde says: "I really want to get off this island. Can you turn me into a brunette?"
Genie grants her wish and she turns into a brunette, she becomes really smart, cuts down some trees, builds a raft and sails to the mainland.
3rd blonde says: "I really want to get off this island. Can you turn me into a man?"
Genie grants her wish, she turns into a man and the man walks over a bridge to the mainland.

Whats yours?

2007-08-16 08:31:13 · 7 answers · asked by Black Star Deceiver 6

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But decides, what the heck," as he says to himself. I really need a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, What's the name of your penis?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not Into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, " I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the Bar calls his Snickers, because it really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he'll give him a second to think it over.

The cowboy turns to the man drinking a beer and sitting to his left and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

2007-08-16 08:27:24 · 15 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "*****!!!"

They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.

Men just don't listen.

2007-08-16 07:52:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

in a remote post in the African desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women.
And sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the Molly the Camel."


The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges". The camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges" and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with Molly.

When he's done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No not really, sir... they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are".

2007-08-16 07:41:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young boy had just gotten his Driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son."You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut." The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

2007-08-16 07:38:59 · 58 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Barbadian, Trinidadian and a Jamaican were feeling hungry but didn’t have any money so they decided to scheme against an expensive restaurant.

The Barbadian goes in first and orders a large meal. When he was done the waiter comes over for the payment, and the Barbadian demanded that he had already paid the waiter, not wanting any trouble, and not being sure if he was paid or not, the waiter allows him to leave.

Later the Trinidadian comes in and does the same thing, this time the manager comes over and the Trinidadian became very loud, not wanting to cause a scene, the manager allows him to leave

A few minutes the Jamaican comes in and orders an even more expensive meal. Just before he finished his meal, the manager comes over and told the Jamaican the he has been having problems with Caribbean people eating and claiming that they had already paid. The Jamaican says “That’s your problem, just give me back my change.”

2007-08-16 07:37:43 · 3 answers · asked by islandgirl God and family 5

An elderly Jamaican lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York, going to visit some relatives.
A beautiful young woman gets in smelling like very expensive perfume. She turns up her nose at the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio, Beverly Hills, $120.00 an ounce."
The elderly lady with a deadpan expression says nothing.
Another young and beautiful woman smelling expensive, enters the lift, turns, looks down her long pointed nose at the old lady and says "Chanel No.5, Paris, $200.00 an ounce."
The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the
combined perfumes.
One floor later, as the Jamaican lady approaches her destination, she quietly
eases out a long silent burst of gas, which quickly overpowers the combined expensive perfumes and leaves the two women with water in their eyes.
As she steps out of the elevator, she turns and says "Breadfruit, Jamaican, 36 cents a pound."

2007-08-16 07:15:12 · 6 answers · asked by islandgirl God and family 5

Myklia the gorgeous blonde had just gotten two puppies and her friend the equally gorgeous Calamity Jane called in for a visit. "OOOOHHH what a cute couple of puppies" she cooed "What are their names.?" Myklia replied "Rolex and Timex" Calamity Laughed and said "Why would you give them such silly names.?" Myklia said "HellOOOOOOOO........... They're WATCHDOGS"

2007-08-16 07:13:36 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

1. you have to hold on to the lawn to keep from fall off the earth.
2. your job keeps interfering with your drinking.
3. your dr. finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4. the back of your head keeps hitting the toilet seat.
5. you really believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
6. 24 hrs in a day, 24 beers in a case; coincidence???
7. 2 hands & 1 mouth, now that's a drinking problem!
8. evryone you see has an exact twin.
9. you fall off the floor.
10. I'm not drunk, you're just sober!
11. That damn pink elephant followed me home again!

2007-08-16 07:11:27 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Write a short song!!!!!!!!!!

2007-08-16 07:02:53 · 29 answers · asked by ? 6

A lobotomy.

2007-08-16 06:48:12 · 10 answers · asked by hoffmann17 2

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a
5-story hotel with a sign that reads “For Women Only”
Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go
in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
“We have 5 floors…go up floor by floor, and once
you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It’s easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what’s
inside”

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads
“All the men here have it short and thin” …the friends laugh
and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the Second floor reads ”
All the men here have it long and thin”.

Still, this wasn’t good enough so the friends move
up to the Third floor, where the sign read
“All the men here have it short and thick”.

This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are
still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.
In the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect.
“All the men here have it long and thick”

The women get all excited and are going in when
they realize that there is one floor left.
Wondering what they were missing,
they go to the Fifth floor, where the sign read”

“There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove
that there is no way to please a woman” !!!!!!!!!

2007-08-16 06:08:52 · 15 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

of which gravity is 1/6 of earth's gravity, will it fly faster, as fast, or slower than on earth?

(I feel that it's an old one, but it's new for me anyways!)

2007-08-16 05:34:35 · 6 answers · asked by Mohamed Sanad 2

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.....

He said "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'

"So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.'

"I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

"Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm, "said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon, Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here try these on."

So she did and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me."

Jack said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack and said, "Here, you try on mine."

So he did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Jill said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart *** attitude, you never will."

2007-08-16 05:32:38 · 4 answers · asked by Wendie 6

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

2007-08-16 05:22:29 · 7 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

2007-08-16 05:19:41 · 6 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

2007-08-16 05:18:59 · 8 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

NIGHT-SHIFT DUTY

A man working the

night-shift received a

telephone call and

rushed home instantly.

His informant was right --

his wife was in bed with a stranger!

However, he seemed

more surprised than angry

and even went so far as to

bring them both breakfast

in bed

What had happened?

(This and more available at my blogsite: http://ca.blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-eKqJ7GI7datedl.L7zN7PAr4zA--?cq=1)

2007-08-16 05:15:43 · 2 answers · asked by ♣ ♦ ♥ ♠ 3

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long, hot soak in the bathtub, still pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered it, and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a trying day her husband must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

2007-08-16 05:10:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!

2007-08-16 04:54:25 · 33 answers · asked by "!" 5

are at the top of a building doing some work, they sit on one of the high beams to eat there lunch and all three of them see a sandwich they dont like, and all three of them say "if i have to eat the same sandwich again tomorow im gona jump"...so the next day there on the beam again and see the same sandwich as the one they had yesterday and all decide to jump! when there wives got their the firefighter told them "we believe they jumped because they had a sandwich they didn't like" the english wife says "oh no its all my fault", the scottish wife said "why didn't he tell me" the irish wife said "he makes his own lunch"....a star if you thought that was funny! :-D

2007-08-16 04:31:08 · 18 answers · asked by Thank Me Later... 4

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone,
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and t he prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.

2007-08-16 04:08:26 · 10 answers · asked by big H 4

what do you get when you cross a redneck man with a redneck woman?












A pickup truck with 12 kids in the back.

2007-08-16 04:01:17 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

What would you do if your driving through a desert and you saw that your friend's car broke down... at the same time you saw an old lady begging for help that is needed to be brought to the hospital.... and you saw your crush all alone in the bus stop. Will you let the chance go by without spending any time with your crush?

If someone can answer my question correctly i'll give them 10 points.

2007-08-16 03:59:06 · 18 answers · asked by sNickerz 2

Did he take his own name in vain?????


(He was a carpenter so you know it had to have happened.)

2007-08-16 03:53:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

...and the bartender asks what drink he wants. The guy says "One Bourbon, one scotch, one beer." The bartender hands him the drinks and says "Here you go, George Thorogood".

I just thought I would jump on the bandwagon here at Jokes and Riddles by being lame.

2007-08-16 03:44:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

do you know one

2007-08-16 02:35:38 · 5 answers · asked by lovepets 6

1)If someone is 36 years old, what year did theyu finish high school?
These are math Riddles so be careful!
2) How many sis-cent stamps are in a dozen?
3) From what non-zero number can you take half and leave nothing?
4) How can you make seven out of three 6's?
5) Why should you never mention the number 288 in front of your math teacher?
6) When does eleven plus two equal one?
7) How far can you go into a forest?
8)How many sides does a circle have?
9) How do you cut down pollution in math class?
10) What is the longest table in the world?
Thank you all!

2007-08-16 00:49:35 · 5 answers · asked by love ya 1