Jokes & Riddles - August 2007

you are returning with your sister and her friend (another girl) from a late night movie. onway, in a desolate area, a few goons surround your group and misbehave with the girls. you enter a fight in defence, but are in a position to save only one girl. what wud you do in that situation and why.......???

the guy answered the question and got selected.....post your answers....i'll let you know his answer when i select the best answer.....

2007-08-16 00:44:51 · 12 answers · asked by raindrops 5

1. can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

2007-08-16 00:30:46 · 19 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

you can come in to heaven.
first one says joan of ark,she was good i'll like to be her. st peter waves her in.
the second said flowrence knightingale she looked after people i would like to be her. st peter waved her in.
the third said sara pipeliney. st peter said i've not heard of her, wait there and i'll check it out. two hours later st peter returns, saying he has no reference of this sara pipeliney,and could she help. to which she put her hand inside her waistband, and produced a f olded piece of paper which she gave to st peter. he unfolded it, was a newspaper headline which read
SAHARA PIPELINE LAYED BY SIXTY MEN IN THREE DAYS.

2007-08-16 00:23:19 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tom and Clark were standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break and Clark said, "Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?"

"Get outta here," said Clark.

"No I'm serious, watch me."

Clark hopped off the building and sure enough, he was taken in by the draft at the third floor window. He took the elevator back to the top and Tom and a security guard that arrived were standing there, Tom in awe.

"I can't believe it." Said Tom.

"I know you should try it Tom."

So Tom hopped off and plunged into the ground.

"Superman you're an asshole when you're drunk." said the security guard.

2007-08-15 22:56:05 · 6 answers · asked by Kinkerbell 2

A Catholic priest and a rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotions.

"What do you have to look forward to in terms of being promoted?" asked the rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the rabbi.

"Well, next I can become a bishop."

"Yes, and then?"

"If I work real hard and do a good job as bishop, it's possible for me to become an archbishop.""OK, then what?"

Exasperated, the priest replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a cardinal."

"And then?"

Growing angry, the priest responded, "Well, with lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work, if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?"

"Good grief!" shouted the priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," responded the rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

2007-08-15 22:30:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....."

He sighed................

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

2007-08-15 22:28:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

1]DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
2]Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations :

1. At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps
on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??

Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated
cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together:
When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

2007-08-15 21:35:40 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

1]An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes first to the German hell and asks " What do they do here ?" He is told " First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of day." The man does not like sound of that at all.

So he moves on....

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here ?"

He is told " First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of day." But that is exactly the same as all the other hells-why are there so many people waiting

2007-08-15 21:25:38 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your answer is supposed to be ok.

2007-08-15 21:08:46 · 4 answers · asked by turducken2k1 1

1. Mr Chu from China & Mr Tiya from Korea came to India & setup a Firm. Till now, they have no Business & are still wondering why their firm: ******* & CO. failed?

2. Q: What is common between a girl's legs n Amul butter?
Both are delicious when spread.

3. Baniya gave matrimonial ad for his daughter, working at a call centre: Wanted a suitable match for Chandigarh's highest paid call girl

2007-08-15 20:31:18 · 11 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Four years ago, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His frie

2007-08-15 20:06:49 · 4 answers · asked by gangrekalve k 7

2007-08-15 19:47:55 · 5 answers · asked by balls a 1

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"

2007-08-15 19:39:46 · 14 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

So a bunch of college students go out the weekend before a big test wich is on Monday. On that Saturday, there is a big party they decide to go to, thinking that they'll just cram for the test all of Sunday. They party gets a bit out of hand, and they end up partying until Sunday. So they call their proffessor making up an excuse saying their car got a flat tire. The proffesor said, that's fine and you kids can take the test of Tuesday. So now it is Tuesday, and the professor gives the test to each kid, and puts them all in different rooms. (if they were in the same room, it would be easier for them to cheat) All of them were almost done with the test; they had one final question. The question was:

Which tire was flat?




Get it?

2007-08-15 19:27:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you want? I can't hear you. What do you want? I can't hear you. I know, granny go to bed. No, I am going to play without you by.

2007-08-15 19:22:38 · 6 answers · asked by grannywinkie 6

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.


At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.


At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

2007-08-15 17:38:44 · 50 answers · asked by shaktimaan 5

so a man arrives at the pearly gates. the man walks over to st. peter and asks "is there any place around here to have a smoke?". st. peter answers "no.". then the man asks "is there any place around here for a man to get a drink?" again st. peter replies "no." now the man is kinda frustrated but he asks st. peter one more question. "is there a place for a man to get fcked around here?" st. peter looks at the man for a few seconds and then motions for the man to follow him. as they are walking, st. peter tells the man "now that i think of it, there is such a place where you can smoke, drink, and fck all the time." the man looks at st. peter with wide eyes and sais "well what are you waitin for? show me this place!" so the two come upon a small tv. st. peter pops in a tape and the screen shows people smokin, drinkin, and fckin everywhere. the man looks at st. peter and sais "god damn! send me to that place!" the next thing the man knows, he is looking at nothing but fire and death.

2007-08-15 17:37:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok so a octpus lives in the english channel. and sees a boat with a man. he grabs the man and takes him under water. so guy is like what do u want. so the octpus is like do u want some tea.

2007-08-15 17:20:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why? Who watches this ****? Do people lay awake at night and think " Gee. I wonder what rich and coddled 17 year old coat racks in CA are doing with their time?"

2007-08-15 16:52:14 · 2 answers · asked by David R 2

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.

The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

2007-08-15 15:06:41 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a guy in high school who's a nice guy but really self conscious about his wooden eye. He's never had the courage to approach a girl before because he's afraid of being ridiculed. Finally, one night he goes to a school dance and is looking at the crowd when he sees a pretty girl with a harelip sitting off by herself. After a few moments he gets brave enough to approach and asks her to dance.
She's so excited she says "Would I! Would I!" to which he responds "Harelip, Harelip!" and storms off.

2007-08-15 14:02:10 · 13 answers · asked by seadog 5

There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden
there
was a downpour of thunder and rain. These two young
guys ran
for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally
reaching
their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in
the car,
started it up and headed down the road, laughing and,
of course,
still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old Indian man's face appeared in
the passenger
window and tapped lightly on the window! The
passenger screamed
out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old
Indian guy's
face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) This old
Indian man kept
knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a
little and
ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and
said, scared
out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old
Indian softly
replied, "You have any tobacco?" The passenger,
terrified, looked
at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well
offer him a
cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old
man a cigar-
ette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window
in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and
they start
laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you
think of
that? The driver says, "I don't know? How could
that be? I am
going pretty fast? Then all of a sudden AGAIN there
is a knock
on the window and there is the old Indian man again.
"aaaaaaaaa,
there he is again!", the passenger yells."

Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls
down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"
"Do you
have a light?" the old Indian quietly asks. The
passenger throws
a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the
window and yells,
"STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still
guzzling
beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and
heard, when
all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "Oh my
God! HE'S
BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out,
"WHAT DO YOU
WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help
getting out of
the mud?"

2007-08-15 13:43:24 · 5 answers · asked by RED SONIA 3

and you fell and broke your knee cap, and let out a blood curdleing scream, did you make a noise?

2007-08-15 13:30:26 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mexican Ghost Story


This is a true story. It happened in Pecos New Mexico , and even though
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true:

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was cold and wet and no cars went by.

The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stopped. The guy, without
thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door, and only then realized
that there was nobody behind the wheel !

The car starts going again, very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees
a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray and begs for his life.
Just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and
turns the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared each time the car approached a curve. Gathering his strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila and
starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.
A silence enveloped everyone when they realized the guy was crying
hysterically and wasn't drunk.

About a half hour later, two other guys walk into the same cantina and one said to the other, "Mira, Pedro. That's the Pendejo that got in the car
while we were pushing it!"

2007-08-15 13:26:35 · 7 answers · asked by RED SONIA 3

what does it mean when you come home
and your man gives you a little affection
a little tenderness
and a little lovin????

2007-08-15 13:18:18 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHY WOMEN SHOULD AVOID A GIRLS NIGHT OUT AFTER THEY'RE MARRIED!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight , "I promise!" Well,
the hours passed and the margaritas went down WAY too easy. Around
3:00 A.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such
a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos = MIDNIGHT. The next morning my husband asked me what time I
got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem pissed off at all.
Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh sh#@.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared
it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

2007-08-15 13:07:06 · 7 answers · asked by RED SONIA 3

I reeeeeeeeeeeeally hate stupid people. Don't you? I just HATE them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you?

2007-08-15 13:02:20 · 8 answers · asked by Chloe Anne 3

We're off to see the Wizard!

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado....
And off they whirled to the land of OZ.




They finally made it to the Emerald City ...

...and went to find the Great Wizard

"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:

"I've come for some courage."


"No Problem!" said the Wizard, "Who's next?"


Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said:



"Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done! Says the Wizard."

"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said,



"The American people say that I need a brain."




"No problem! Said the Wizard.
Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,




"Well, what do YOU want?"







"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

2007-08-15 12:59:55 · 13 answers · asked by RED SONIA 3

I have 1000 eyes, but live in darkness. I have 1000 ears but live in silence. I am 2, yet I am one. What am I?

I can't figure this one out!

2007-08-15 12:49:56 · 9 answers · asked by Tokyo_rocks 2

10 point to the first to make me howl

2007-08-15 12:08:38 · 26 answers · asked by CharlieWarlie 3